Flying by the seat of my pants...

I remember my Dad saying that - and that was one of his favorite expressions.  I miss my Dad - but that's for another post.  I think he would be amazed at what we are doing - but I think he would also be happy for us, and maybe even a bit proud.  I would like to think that anyway, so don't pop my bubble - LOL!  I'm just taking it one day at a time and trying not to 'what if' myself into a frenzy.  Just tackling one thing at a time.  Now if I'm prioritizing things right or not - time will tell.  Getting Gary set up and going is the first priority right now.  He's done all the hard work though.  Passed the schooling and is going to be 'shipped' off to Fontana for the 'training' part.  I PRAY that he gets a good trainer and not an A$$#0!E... one that teaches and not just use him as an extra log book.  He won't need too much of the driving part - but the QualCom (computer logging) and trip planning etc. that type of stuff I think he would need more of.  Me - I need the driving AND that stuff - LOL!  I WILL have faith in my self though... I WILL do this... I WILL pass the schooling and the training and join Gary on the road.  Things WILL work out the way they are suppose to - I just hope its the way we think it will be - LOL!  I picked up 20# of protein the other day - figuring the powder weighs less and will be easier to pack (he gets half/I get half) - space will be at a premium!!  He will need to pack the protien and vits - PLUS clothes for a week or two (who knows how often he will be able to wash his clothes).  So the adventure begins for the first half of the team - and he will be able to let me know what I will need to pack.  Plus I want to be able to ship him stuff that he won't be taking with him for when we do get our own (company) truck... such as map books and tools.  I will figure that out though - one step at a time...

5 days and a wake up...

Thats how much longer Gary will be here in Sac.  Then he is off on his/our new adventure!!  It IS exciting - but its scary too.  The 'unknown' - taking 'the chance'.  Will it work out?  Will we make it? Will I pass the schooling??  I'm also realizing how I won't be seeing people (in person) that I do now for quite a while.  Even then - even when we plan on see them, it might not come to pass on the dates we want.  Such is 'trucking'.  The front bedroom though is coming together.  Its all painted and a couple pieces of furniture have been moved in.  Its suppose to rain tomorrow - but clear again on Wednesday (consideration for moving the kids stuff over) - so hopefully Gary and I will be able to share at least 1-2 nights in the new room before he leaves.  That would be nice.  The plan right now is for me to start school the first part of February.  That way the kids are totally out of their apt, and moved in... we can make sure the 'scan the mail' process is working... and coordinated paying bills.  I figure there will be a few bumps - but with the internet/e-mail/Skype/cell phones we will stay in pretty good contact.  I NEED to get to Sam's Club/Costco - we are out of our base protein (yes I have a supplement business, but I don't want to use up all the product in the store - and I use the Nectar Proteins as treats since they taste so good!!) and a few other staples.  I have just been SO busy with the room - car pooling (finally have 2 running vehicles - and just one week left of needing them) - moving our stuff around and trying to figure out what to keep and what to toss... The hall bedroom - that we were going to use as storage - is now to be the nursery.  Which needless to say - I don't mind at all <BSEG> - but that means we need to 'go through' stuff in a shorter period of time.  I have a feeling the front bedroom will turn into a 'store room' of our stuff - LOL!  Well I need to scoot - I'm at work (going to miss these guys here too!! 12 years I've been with this family - sigh - seen them ALL grow up) and need to chart - and I have personal bookwork to do.  Nice now that everything is on the laptop - I can do my bills and stuff while I'm at work :) Well G'Night all...

Blessings...

Yep its that time of year to think about the blessings that I have recieved.  A time of gratefulness and thanks - yeah Thanksgiving is another, but I'm feeling contemplative today - LOL!  I am VERY blessed.  No - I'm not monetarialy rich, I'm not fall over gorgeous, I'm not uber smart.  However I am rich with friends and family - that is something money can not buy.  We have enough money that we have a roof, food and clothing - that's more than quite a few people have.  We don't have so much that we become unmindful of money.  I'm not to hard to look at (or at least I like to think that) - and I'm getting more and more comfortable in my saggy skin :) I might not be uber smart - but I'm not dumb either.  I seem to still be able to learn (which is a good thing) and with this change in career - I will be keeping my mind active learning and doing new things!  My family though is my greatest treasure!!  Let me start with my husband - how very proud I am to be able to call him husband!  He is my 'home'.  Where I feel safe, loved and cherished.  My daughter who has grown into a beautiful woman!! I am so proud of how she is handling life.  The choices that she makes and the views that she has.  The husband that she chose (and that chose her) we are also blessed with.  One that loves and cherishes her and makes her happy... that is all we wanted for her is to be happy!  They are also blessing us with a grandchild!!  I'm happy we are still on this earth and able to see this.  We might not be in town, but we are in their lives - for that I am grateful for.  There are so many other things - I could go on and on - but I won't... at least not here.  You just might get bored - LOL!

Its good for me look on the wonderful things in life - and it warms me to realize just how many gifts God has given me.

Merry Christmas everyone - This next year I will continue this wonderful journey called life (and will
BLOG about it) - and it will mostly on the highway - LOL!

My baby is having a baby!!

That means I'm going to be a GRANDMA!! Needless to say - I had to call everyone I know (well 4 folks anyways) and post it on Facebook - now I get to BLOG about it - LOL!  Everyone is going to get tired of hearing about it - LOL!  You want to see some pictures??  OK - don't have those yet - but I will :D  I just hope she has as great a pregnacy as I did... I loved being pregnate!  Just a little bit of nausea in the evenings - but only for a couple weeks.  Then I ate for 2 and enjoyed every minute of THAT - that's where I gained 100#... I can't blame that on her though - I wasn't able to get rid of it without surgery (but that's another story).  Now I know that the baby will take what ever nutrition it needs WITHOUT the Mom having to double do the food. (wish I had known that then) What Mom needs to do is just make sure her own nutritional needs are met, that's it.  Now I knew when we decided to 'truckers' that EVENTUALLY they would have kids and we would be out on the road... however its coming sooner than I expected.  That's ok though.  I'm happy. The timing is just as it should be.  The house and the trucking and Momma - all that was decided BEFORE the news of the baby.  None of these decisions were make BECAUSE of the baby.  I am so amazed at the works of God sometimes (although why I should be - I have no idea).  I look back and see the path Gary and I have come, and the way things have happened.  There really is a 'plan'.  Anyway - just had to share!!



Another day closer...

Well I sent my letter out to my volunteer job - letting them know I'm leaving home.  Now to just tie up loose ends there and pass it to who ever ... right now I have short-timers attitude and am SO glad I'm leaving the politics and back stabbing and 2 assholes behind.  You know what else is freeing - I don't care right now if they know I think they are hemorrhoid free and 100% perfect asshols - LOL!  Anyway - we have been juggling 1 'legal' vehicle between 2 households since last week - that will end as of today - WOO HOO! Also taking in the green truck to get it worked on FINALLY so it will be 'legal' (not able to smog it due to the #### computer!)... we 'should have' done it sooner, but hey - robbing Peter to pay Paul just isn't condusive to vehicle matainance - it sucks though that repair costs so much more.  Yeah I know a ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure... how right THAT is!!  Well off to do a bit more 'clean up' on the front bedroom before I swap vehicles at the repair shop ... need to get that ready for Gary and I to move into so the kids can move their stuff in... bye for now :D

Family Gather

It was SO good to see family yesterday!  Sure - not everyone could make it - and that is understood.  Life and other commitments to tend to crop up - we've had our share let me tell you!!  LOL :) As things get closer and closer to where I will have to say bye to Gary for a couple months - and deal with things here without him - I'm getting a bit anxious.  Will I make the right decisions?  Will I do everything I need to do?  How long will it take me?  Will I pass the schooling?  Will I be able to drive one of those things?  What happens if??  Then I remember this is a leap of faith - and put it right back on 'God's' shoulders.  That helps.  I just wish we wouldn't be separated for so long.  The longest we (Gary and I) have been apart is just a few weeks - now we are talking about a few months - sigh... I also have to get things ready for my volunteer job - I made a commitment there that I have to follow through with.  I would love to just turn everything in and say "you deal with it" but then it would land on just one set of shoulders, and I don't want to do that.  So now to start work on the 'front bedroom' which is where we will be staying when we get in town...

Bitter Sweet...

Such a wonderful group of friends and family!!  We are making the rounds and saying 'good bye for now's and 'we will see you as we drive through town's.  REALLY great to see everyone - but sad when we realize it will be quite a while until we see everyone again.  Thank goodness for the internet (FB/email) - we can at least keep in touch and know how everyone is doing.  This is just the beginning of the 'good bye for nows' though - we have another one on Monday (tomorrow).  I am glad we are doing this - I think it will be the best thing for all of us - but it just isn't easy.  I feel for Lynn - being in the middle and trying to make everyone happy.  Them not wanting to loose 'their' stuff as the households merge - but also trying to take into concideration our feelings when property needs to be thinned. Gary... he has deeper roots here than I do.  My home is him - where ever he is I'm home.  Buildings and material possessions - yes then mean something - but I'm not as tied to them as others seem to be.  So its a fine line we are treading.  Well off to start doing some house cleaning - its a mess and a bit chaotic - LOL - but hey, thats how we roll!!

Thursday morning challenge...

Woo Hoo - yesterday Gary passed all his tests except for one - his vision test - new glasses and then back to DVM to retake it.  Well he let the instructor at school know that we would be going to DMV as soon as they opened to finish the vision part and get his permit.  We got there with time to spare (my Daddy taught me right - "get to the train station BEFORE the train leaves" - that was just one of his favorite sayings).  As we are sitting there in the 35* foggy morning - we start to get cold so start my daughter's PT Cruiser to run the heater.  The check engine light came on (wasn't lit on the way there) - mmmm - wonder what is causing that.  So we do the turn the key on 3 times thing to get the code.  Ok we will need to look that up when we get home.  So into the office we go - do all that stuff - now back out to the car to head to class w/permit.  Car won't start!!  It gurgles at us (glug, glug, glug) - sounded like it was 1)flooded 2)vapor locked.  We eventually get it started and pull out of the DMV and down the street about 500' - stop for a light and the car DIES!!  Not even a click now when turning the key.  Lights work - windows work - turn key NOTHING!!  Sigh - so now we need to figure out 1) how to get Klingon back to class (he already has a ride home) 2) get me to work 3) now that we need to use the dodge that my daughter was using how does SHE get to work...

So what did we learn first thing this morning 1) patience 2) cooperative sharing 3) coordination of effort 4) how to look at a situation and work out a solution - might not have been a FUN morning - but we made it though. 

Now to figure out how we are going to do tomorrow - no word yet on what happened w/the car except that it was something electrical and to do with the radio - a short and blown fuses - and how much is this going to cost???

Busy - Busy :)

WOW I feel accomplished today - LOTS done!!  Still a lot more to do, but that's OK. 

Its seems like Momma is settling in - or they are getting use to her - LOL!  Visited today without letting them know I was coming (that's the way we will probably do it most of the time) and she was in the chair with 2 other ladies - chocolate on her finger (probably her calcium chew) and petting the dog.  She seemed happy just chatting away.  She didn't know who I was but giggled when I gave her a hug and kiss on the forehead. 

Preparation continues for Lynn and Morgan to move into the house.  Fence is up and the 'boys' (2 dogs) will be coming over tomorrow to check for holes - LOL!  They will have about 1/2 acre to run on - so much nicer for them than a 2 bedroom apt :)

Gary is stressed about taking the permit test tomorrow.  I know he will do fine, but that's just him.  Then I guess they will get behind the wheel.  I can't wait until it's my turn!!  I"ve been trying to drive the pickup with an imaginary trailer behind it... squaring the corners and such - making sure that 'trailer' doesn't hit the curbs - LOL!

Also today I have really been concentrating on eating.  Even if I wasn't hungry I MADE the time to eat something before I came to work.  I had my 2 scoops in the AM.  Then for lunch I had a mini quiche my daughter made up... that was tasty!! Now here at work - 1 apple w/peanut butter - 3 string cheeses - and I have a small serving of meat loaf to go.  I purposely chose the peanut butter and the cheese because I know they are calorie rich foods.  So I figured that I would at least get calories - plus the cheese and peanut butter have 'some' protein... and the meat loaf is almost all protein - so I'm making sure I get that and my vits in FOR SURE!  Oh and lets not forget fluids!!  It was 'nicer' in a way when I didn't HAVE to think about what I ate.  Of course that is how I got to be 320# too.  So I guess I will take being uber aware of my intake to keep what I have lost - LOL - if that makes sense :)

WLS Stuff...

Well I hit an all time low (except when I was growing up) the scale read 155# this morning.  This is the lowest I have been since I have no idea when.  I haven't been trying to loose any more weight either.  I have been getting so busy and distracted that I have been forgetting to eat.  I have been reminding myself to get in my fluids - and I have been taking my vits - but taking the time to 'eat' is hard.  Then when I do take the time, its like things have shrunk back to almost an early post op status.  Got an Angus Chili from Smash Burger  and ate not even half of it and was full (yes I did have a few (6-7) fries off my daughter's plate)... then took it to work and still couldn't finish it.  Tried to increase the calorie count by having a string cheese as well.  I might just need to get some peanut butter and celery (or apple) and start snacking on that.  I do get my protein in though - minimum of 2 scoops - 46g - but if I'm not eating like I should, I should get in at least another scoop I think.  I've been feeling fine - tired some - but with everything thats going on - I would say that's normal - LOL!  I will miss my scale though when we get on the truck - and figure I don't need a truck scale to weigh myself anymore - LOL!

Spinning wheels...

My brain is spinning and I can't go back to sleep... Momma woke up at 4 - did the bed/diaper change and couldn't go back to sleep.  I would have been up again if I had though because she was up again at 5 - LOL.  Its now 6 and I'm thinking MAYBE I could lay back down and doze, because its going to be a LONG and active day - with bunches of emotions happening for ALL of us (except Momma - but she will probably sense the emotions of everyone else).  I need to keep thinking with my head though - and make sure Gary does to.  If my heart starts thinking too much, it just might put a spanner in the works.  I KNOW we are doing the right thing (no matter how much it hurts)... just like when you have to discipline your child.  You know you have to do it for the good of the child - but your heart doesn't want the child to hurt - but you know in the long run it's better for the child to do it, than not.  Not that we are disciplining Momma - but in the long run it is better for her - but harder for us.  I don't know if that makes sense or not - like I said my brain is spinning.  Well I'm going to attempt to lay back down for what ever time I get... even if its just to snuggle up to Hubby... won't be able to do that after 3 weeks - at least for a couple months that is.  It will be the LONGEST we have been apart since we got married.  Even with him being an O/O before - he was only gone for maybe a month at the longest (during his training w/John).  There wasn't the internet/cell phones then (and I won't be raising a toddler) - so I'm hoping it will be easier this time.

And so it begins...

Gary is off taking his drug test and getting his second physical in a month.  When we were headed this direction he got a DOT physical done... then found out that the school/company do their own (to make sure the other doc didn't just 'sign off' on things) so the recruiter says... and you know you can ALWAYS trust the recruiter to tell you the truth :) Ours seem to do OK though - plus since Gary has driven before we have SOME idea what we are heading into - him better than me, but I'll learn.  This is really going to happen!!  There are so many emotions going on though.  My head knows that we are doing the best thing for Momma - as I'm scooting around the house (well typing right now) and she is parked in front of the TV as a Momma sitter.  That doesn't do anything for the social interaction.  She gets bored and we just can't sit there and 'entertain' her.  My heart though is going through a rough patch.  So is Gary's.  We both wanted to take care of her until she didn't need it any more - but in reality - that isn't a possibility.  Now not only will we not be doing it personally, but we won't even be in town!!  I know (in my head) that we are doing everything we can to make sure we find a GOOD place and we have people we love and trust in town for her. My heart though feels like we are abandoning her.  That's not a fun feeling.

To concentrate though on the good feelings though... the fence (to seal the back yard for Lynn and Morgan's dogs) is going in.  Sunday Momma will be moving into her new place - Monday Gary starts school - 6 days a week for 3 weeks... then off to 'training'... so I have 3 more weeks to get my HUGS in. 

I am so proud though of my daughter and her husband.  They are really stepping in and shouldering a lot!  Yes they are getting a lot - but still.  They could have said no, but they didn't.  Doing this the home and property will stay in the family and we will have a place to come back to.  They won't be doing it ALL alone, but its very different when we aren't just right down the street. I'm just glad they have invented the internet and cellular phones :)  I'm wanting them to feel that this is their HOME. When we took over the old house, I never did any of my OWN changes.  I regret that.  It will be hard to 'let go' the 'let them' - I did have some visions where I wanted to take the house - but time and money played their part and now this is happening. 

So now I need to get ready to go to work - Gary is on his way back from the stuff he needed to do.  Tomorrow is our Monthly Breakfast we have been doing for YEARS - it will be a 'goodbye' there - but we have one of our favorite waitresses on FB so can keep in touch - LOL!  Well bye for now...

Things in motion

Well things are 'in motion'... not just plans anymore.  Gary for sure is going in on Friday for physical and drug test (which we know he will pass - no problems there) - Sunday we will be moving Momma to her new home - and I have a good feeling about them and think it will be a wonderful move for Momma.  Monday Gary starts his schooling (as long as he passes his tests from Friday) the 13th!!  That begins 3 weeks of schooling to get his CDL ( basically a recert for him - he drove before) which IS in Sacramento - so after those 3 weeks he will get shipped via Greyhound to Fontana and hop on a 'trainers' rig for 5 weeks - then will drive solo until I can join him.  So as of the first of the year - Gary will not be in Sac.  I will begin my 3 weeks as soon as things get into a flow here.  Making sure Momma is settled and fitting in well, arm healing and paperwork done.  Bills set up so that we can pay them - Lynn and Morgan fully settled.  So depending on when that happens - I'm thinking 2 months or there about.  It will be hard - because I won't have Gary to be my rock near by.  Thank goodness for internet and cell phones - we WILL be able to be in touch verbally.

Really upset though about the care Momma got at the 'hotel' this last time.  Never before was Momma treated this way. We let them know that she had a broken arm.  That they needed to use the belt around her jacket so that her arm would be 1) elevated 2) supported.  Well they said (when we got her there) that they couldn't use it because it was a 'gait' belt and concidered a restraint... we said as long as you can use something to support her arm.  Well she didn't have anything on for that whole 2.5 days she was there.  'She wouldn't leave it on' - well DUH!!  Why do you think we did it the way we did AND had to keep reminding her that her arm was broken!!  Then as I'm complaining to the Admin today - she was saying how Momma hadn't slept for those two days.  NO WONDER she slept from 7 pm last night to 9 am this morning.  Another thing - if she would have slept like that for us - her bed would have been SOAKED - it wasn't - which means she wasn't getting the liquids like she should have.  That would all contribute to the lethargy and unstable gait she had yesterday. Then when we go to pick her up - after lunch - she had stool in her pants which I cleaned (I will say the aid offered) and it looked like it had been there a while because it wasn't just the underware that was soaked with stool. I am SO PISSED!!  I thank GOD she won't ever have to go back there!!  I will post that the name of the place is Citrus Heights Terrance - not recommended needless to say. 

Walls

This has been such an emotional time (for the whole family, not just me) and for the most part my 'walls' have been intact.  Its a defense mechanism that I inherited from my childhood - I can place walls around things in my mind. (not always a good thing) Such as emotions and fears.  It helps me remain distanced from the situation and 'functional'.  Last night one of my walls crumbled - I was at the new home we were vetting for Momma and I was discribing one of the times Momma became 'agitated' - it was my fault because I was impatient with her - anyway - I almost lost it while I was talking about it.  You know when the wall crumbles it is really hard to build it back up again.  Another chink came out of the wall came today - we took Momma to the home we are hoping she is going to - and to watch her there with the other LOL (Little Ol' Ladies) and interact and feel comfortable enough to doze in her chair - it did a heart good!! At the same time though - there is a feeling that we are abandoning her... In my head I know we aren't - in my heart though I hear the echo of the promises made that "we will always take care of you - you will always be 'HOME'".  Sigh - I have to keep in my mind the picture she made talking and interacting with the other ladies and remember that she didn't have that at 'HOME'.  I have to remember she is in a place that will take good care of her and that there are two people that will be making sure of that since we won't be close by!! 

I'm afraid I haven't done as much with the business during all of this.  For that I appoligize.  I know folks understand, but I still feel bad.  Once things 'settle' a bit, we will get into a new routine.  So hang on - we aren't going anywhere (well the business isn't that is - LOL)

Scattered

This is going to be short and scattered - warning in advance!!  I am exahasted (and spell checker I don't think is working on this new computer so - oh well) - Gary and I looked at 4 homes for Momma today - like two of them.  Took BFF Rene and daughter Lynn over for their opinions and they saw totally differnet things than what Gary and I did... SO glad - they liked our number 2 better and after seeing it in their eyes - I agree.  Now if they will take Momma - we are taking Momma over there tomorrow so they can meet each other - hopefully it will be a match.  Please pray for us - ALL of us.  So many fears and uncertainties - we try to plan ahead as much as possible, but life is not a guarentee of anything.  My mind is so numb and overwhelmed right now - even though we have the night off from Momma I just hope I can sleep. 

Placement

Well saw 4 places today for Momma - the first one we saw is our first choice.  The others just didn't sit right.  This is SO not easy!!

Stuff getting done!!

Sigh... Momma in the hotel and we are getting stuff done!  Well maybe not as much as we could have, we played a little bit; but we were just enjoying the day - being able to walk at a normal pace - not having to be aware of the toddler and concider anything and everything that would effect her - not having to change but one 'diaper' today (love that one) - and tonight being able to sleep WITHOUT having to be hyperaware of sounds (such as the bell on the bedroom door).  Tomorrow we go look at 3 different 'homes'.  They are smaller, and will hold 6-8 residents.  I'm so glad that this option is available!!

We did make a purchase that I needed, but cringe at spending money.  Its a new laptop.  Before the truckdriving leap of faith, we were trying to 'revamp' the computer that Momma was using for solitare (until she forgot what a computer was) - it was having ALL types of problems.  Needless to say just as we get it up and running - we leap!!  Well I can't take a desk top in a truck, and I still want to run the business - plus our own household stuff - so I can't use a little netbook like Gary has for just web and email.  I need to run Quickbooks (it uses more memory than available on the netbook) - so we went for a basic/basic laptop, with just enough memory RAM to run QB.  (that's what I'm using to BLOG now) So I will be able to do all household stuff on this AND take it with me.  OH I have skype on this too - so if you want to skype me I'm ladyklingon :) I'm trying to stay intouch with everyone on Facebook - but the forums I'm not doing so good at.  Since my attention has drifted from Bariatric reading to Trucking reading I have been on a Trucking forum.  I need that info for the 'change' of careers.  I will try to touch back frequently to the WLS forums - though, I need THAT support and reinforcement too.

I have been (with all that is going on) loosing more weight.  I was holding steady there at 165ish for the longest time.  OK 165 to 161 (which was my lowest) - however this morning 158!! I feel fine - Gary says I don't look to thin - my body dismorphia fear is that I might get too thin and not recognise it!!  I know in my head that I'm now 'thin' but sometimes I don't FEEL it.  Its getting better though - I'm using that voice in my head to tell me I am - LOL!

Things be changing....

Case in point - the name of the blog.  I took out the 'Bariatrics' because even though I will still be in business for some products I won't be 'expanding' for a while... I'm going to maintain what I have and the services I have (delivery) and will be getting use to doing that from the road and having the kids help locally. 

I'm also 'letting go'... its a nice/scary feeling.  Letting go of what??  Possessions that is.  When I'm looking at what I want to keep I start thinking 'will I want that in my room' (Momma's old room) and do I want to hang onto it for a couple years for when Gary and I aren't long hauling anymore... but I'm expecting to do this for 10+ years or so.  So I'm becoming 'detached'.  Its hard to decide which momento I want to hang onto, because there are so many 'things' we have hung onto. I also don't know what type of stuff the kids will want to use/keep - but I'm going to leave that up to them... figure we are as far away as a phone call and email - its not like we are dying!! 

One thing that is going to be hard - if/when Lynn and Morgan have kids - I will be on the road.  I want to be here for them.  I want to be able to hold my grandchild BEFORE they learn to hold their head up - I want to smell that newborn hair smell - and I want them to burp all over me <mushy stuff I know> but that goes with burping them and having them fall asleep on you... such a trusting/calm/loving/protective time - sigh - <saying in a granny voice> I remember when Lynn was that age!!!

So that is what is happening in my life right now - just got back from a Support Group.  One I can attend because they are on the weekend.  I will miss the face to face support - I have enjoyed that. Maybe when we are on the road - we might be able to meet up with other folks and have a 'rolling' support system - that would be way cool!!

Blessings and Challenges

THE BLESSINGS

This is almost like a reverse dasha vue (or however you spell it)... about 1987ish Momma refinanced her house (we took over payments and moved in) and bought a motor home to go 'traveling' in. Which she did for a couple years - more like 2 long trips... then with the price of gas etc she decided to park it - and it became her home.  She parked it in the 'driveway' and it stayed there ever since.  Until today that is.  Today that motor home is no longer on the property!! Today reminded me so much of when we moved into Momma's house.  Lynn and Morgan are going to be moving into 'our house' and making it their own.  Its a happy and sad event.  Gary and I are going 'traveling' and the agreement is there will be a room for us when we decide to park the truck.  When we moved in - we filled 40 yard dumpsters FULL of stuff.  Today the yard looks totally different by the work and labor of the kids (they will always be kids to us) <3 WOW - what goes around comes around for sure.  This change in our lives will be as life changing as marriage (which has been a blessing - for I found my other half) and having a child (which is my other blessing and joy).  Yes a truck is a really small place - yes we will be moving almost continuously (7 days on for 1 day off); but we will be doing this together. 


THE CHALLENGES

One of the challenges will be giving up cooking on the road.  Sure I've heard of folks with a sm electric grill - but there isn't a whole lot you can do with those is there??  We will be living out of a truck - and truck stops.  This will make us get really creative to be able to eat healthy out there.  Also another challenge will be keeping track of the business and ordering supplies; basically letting go of some of the things I do and having someone else do them.  Then trusting them TO do them... so at this point - yes the business will stay in business.  I'm not joining Gary out on the road for at least 6 months. (health insurance has to kick in - then I have to be trained - and hopefully pass training!!) So there will be time to smooth out processes and train my local folk (my kids :) Also setting up paying bills and showing them the house maintainance stuff.  Stuff that I will need to 'let go'. Kinda hard to do - so I know I won't be perfect at it... but at least I will be away and not looking over their shoulders with the words 'you should have done <____>!!'

So anyway - back to reading a new forum - a truck driving forum - man to they talk a whole new language!!

Information overload and introducing the Bariatric Truckers :)

WOW my brain is fried!!  So much to do in so little time and details and tasks and time!!  So today Lynn and Morgan came over and Momma sat - we went to DMV and got my driving record. Over to the driving school/job recruiter and talked to her.  Then the most stressful part of the day - to a 'Skilled' facility to look at it for a possible place for Momma.  AH NO - can I just say at this point HELL NO.  I'm sure for the folk that need the place - its the perfect place for them, and it was clean, and the folks nice, but NO... she is not THAT bad yet.  So with Lynn helping me research/screen some numbers I finally talked to someone that didn't just refer me off to another number.  It appears to be an actual agency that helps folks in our possition find places for folks in Momma's possition... and they cover/deal with 4 different counties!  I told her we weren't choosy on the county - because we would not be available to visit that frequently anyway.  Since at this time I was TOTALLY stressed and was nearing my last straw (and near to tears) I think she could hear that in my voice... a lady will be coming out tomorrow to 'assess' Momma and we will go from there.

Business wise - this is what the plan is right now - the company PJ's is staying in business!!  We will stay 'on-line' and we will still have free local delivery (as well as shipping - LOL). It just won't be me making the delivery personally.  This business owner will be a Bariatric Trucker - LOL!

That seems to be the direction life is taking Gary and I right now.  This is 1) a dream we have had; that when we 'retire' in that mythical 'some day land'.  We would be truck drivers and see the US of A... well it seems like SOME DAY is coming to pass.  2) a way to save the house/property.  We weren't able to do it with Momma's income and my income alone and the job possibilites were not there in Sacramento for Gary.  Also with caring for Momma it seriously restricted what jobs and when Gary could even consider.  (I thank God that he placed me with whom I work right now... and that was 12+ years ago!  She/and the family have been wonderful and they are one of the things I will truly miss. I will visit though and there is always FaceBook - LOL) 3) Lynn and Morgan's lease on their apt is up really soon - they were trying to figure out which way to go next because their apt complex is - lets just say, not the best and leave it at that... plus with 2 dogs, places are hard to find.  I really think that this will work out all the way around.  It might have a rocky start - where we figure out where/what/when/who and stuff - but I think it will work... So the eventual plan (and with that word God starts laughing) is... Gary and I will be OTR (over the road) long haul team drivers - Momma will be cared for in a facility that will offer her socialization that we could not do and 24/7 care - Lynn and Morgan will have a house (with a room set aside for Gary and I when we are in town) to live in and our home will be cared for and will remain within the Johnson family!!  Win/Win/Win...

Boy when they said WLS was a journey - this is one road I didn't expect to go down!!  Speaking of down, I broke the 160# mark (159.6)... not intentionally though.  What with the stress, fever (which is getting better) and such - just haven't been 'hungry' - even at work which is really weird.  I usually tried to shove food in my face even when I'm not hungry and I'm not... <start Twilight Zone music here>

So now you are all caught up in what has been spinning my mind - and it has helped just putting in type... so I'll type more later :)

Momma Update

Well for anyone not on FB and is interested - Momma will not need surgery!!  WOO HOO <happy dancing!!> That was a fear I was having - I have seen many in the Acute Care setting after a pinning of a bone that went totally loopy after anesthesia and was NOT wanting that for Momma!!  So its limited movement - basically 'as tolerated' and some dangles to maintain range of motion.  Stay with the Tylenol (he was glad we didn't give any NSAIDs because they can inhibit bone healing - I didn't know that!!) So our plans do continue in finding a place for Momma.  That hasn't changed with the no surgery option.  We will be 'dropping' in on a place tomorrow to check them out.  Its relatively close to the house which can be a good and bad thing.  Good because IF she needs anything - we don't have to travel too far.  Bad because there can always have the 'guilt' thing if we don't visit as much as we think we should.  Who knows though - they might not even have any openings - or we could get 'bad vibes'.  So we will see... Another thing we get to do tomorrow is check out possible work opportunity.  Not much info given over the phone, we have to go in - Mmm - I wonder if its a 'sales' speech or real employment - we will see tomorrow!!  So tomorrow will be a busy day.

I do want to 'say/type' how proud I am of my daughter and her husband... they are some pretty great people!!

Change is brewing...

And what that change will be I'm not sure.  You know the old saying when it rains it pours - we it sure as shit does!!  Yep I cussed - because damn it I feel like cussing right about now - LOL - OK I feel better :)  My head is going around in so many circles - I'm not sure which way the wind is coming from - but I'm going to trust in God!!  He hasn't failed us yet - but he sure has surprised us a few times!! 

A touch of history here - way back when, my Dad had a stroke.  My sister cared for him for as long as she was physically able to (not sure of the 'lesson' God was sending her), then Dad moved back to his house and we (Gary and I) moved out of our home (Leaving Lynn at age 18 taking care of the house. What a way for someone that age to learn what its like to live on their own with the safety net of Mom and Dad near by) and moved in with Dad to care for him until he needed to move to a skilled facility.  That timing was just right to sell his home at the top of the housing market. (All of this brought the three sisters closer together - which even to this day we enjoy a closer relationship than we had for YEARS before) Things went on and Mom passed and the estate closed.  With the gift that my parents left us we were able to build the home we are in now (With a second 'Master' for Momma) - on the same property Gary grew up on. (The timing here was impeccable!! Momma was at a point where she could NOT live on her own anymore and the 'motorhome' she was in was unlivable)  So now it seems we are at another crossroads...

It is a fact that IF she has to have a pin placed (especially if under general anesthesia) her Alzheimer's will go FULL BLOWN - and no she isn't full blown right now.  IF she doesn't need surgery - she will still be needing more care that I/we can give.  Gary is out of work and for him to get a job - we can't take care of her.  Especially as he will most likely be going back to truck driving.  So what ever is decided tomorrow at the Ortho Specialist - something will be changing soon...

So if you are a praying type of person - please pray for us - that what ever is blown our way is meant to be... Thank you!!

Distance...

Distance is so frustrating!!  I had a chance for some overtime work doing a night shift - I took it - and what happens when I'm 25 miles away? Momma decides to wander down the hall way at 5 am (needless to say - not for the first time last night) and just as Gary gets to her, she stumbles and falls into the wall.  Yeah she's fine - bumped her elbow (who said it was a funny bone!!) but there is no way I can leave work to help him pick her up!!  Plus even if I could have left right then it would have taken me 30 minutes (pretending to drive the speed limit) to get home. She refused/didn't understand to get to her hands and knees - he tried a gate belt (a wide belt used in skilled nursing facilities to 'grip' patients and help with transfers) - just couldn't get her up - so called EMS.  She is back in bed and won't remember any of this in a few minutes.  The frustration I feel at not being there to help though will stick around for a while!!  God bless my husband - and of course during this time (as he tells me) she is asking for 'her son'. When he says 'Mom I am your son', she replies 'I thought I had a good son'... If she had any clue as to how good a son she has!!!  Of course if she had any clue she would be mortified at her actions and responses.  Some times the repeated example of the person we have already lost is just ONE of the hardest things about this disease.  Yeah sure - Momma's body is still here.  She moves, talks and poops - but WHO she was isn't here anymore.  That 'who' has gradually left, and on very rare occasions will we see glimpses of her.  Those occasions thought are almost zilch at this point though.

An off the wall thought we have had - and a dream in a way... We always thought it would be cool that 'when' we 'retire' we would become 'team' drivers and drive truck across country.  That might come to pass.  Gary is looking into every avenue to getting a job (he even applied as a used car salesman!!) and truck driving is something he use to do and enjoyed.  IF he does that though - Momma would not be staying at home anymore - she would need to go to a 'hotel' full time.  Especially if he got a job that wasn't a set time frame - and I don't see that happening as a new hire.  He would get the scutt jobs and I don't think they would be the 'choice' hours.  There would be a 'few' considerations before I became a driver - such as health insurance and who would take care of the house or run the business that I started (not that there are a lot of customers - but I do have a few!!) - who knows what will be in a year though - I never thought I would see below 200 pounds again and here I am - time will tell and I will trust in God!!

Thanksgiving

Well today is Thanksgiving and it has been a great day so far... Its been quiet with none of the usual hustle and bustle that usually goes with doing something with a large group of people.  There are times that all the chaos is fun, but dealing with an Alzheimer person - calm is so much better.  It is definitely a change from other years.  We would go over to a family friends house (friend of the family for longer than Gary and I have been married - so basically they're family).  There would upwards to 25-30 people... adults and kids - it was scattered chaos - but fun!!  If we had tried to do that today it would NOT have been fun - for her or for us.  I posted that I wasn't going to be on FB - and that has been a bit hard.  I'm almost addicted to knowing what is happening it everyone out there - LOL - but I've been good.  Gary is having his quiet time in the office - and I have my laptop out in the front room w/Momma - just sitting and watching TV.  Lunch turned out AWESOME if I do say so myself!!  Cooked a 16# turkey (yes just for the 3 of us) and we will have left overs for DAYS!!  I also baked then mashed some sweet potato/yams, mixed w/Whey Low Gold and real BUTTER <he-he> Then did up a green bean casserole using the Frenches Onions; however I didn't have the 'regular' ones just the cheddar flavored ones - YUM!!  Then the 'can' of cranberry sauce - I ran out of time to make up the bag I bought - the turkey cooked faster than I thought it would - didn't stuff it this year.  Then warmed up a bun or two for Momma. Oh and I also did up gravy - and I didn't burn it - it even tasted good - LOL!  I also tweaked a family favorite - Apple Crisp - my grandmother taught me how to make it - and so I can't wait to dig into it!! I love cooking - its relaxing to me - especially if it turns out well - and I'm impressed with how things turned out today, and I had a blast!!  Gary did clean up while I made the mess - nothing is sexier than a man with dishpan hands <just saying - wink wink>  Well I'm going to continue to relax and pretend the rest of the world isn't out there today... I must admit though - I'm glad I see my daughter and her husband weekly or I would seriously be missing them today... but I know they are starting out their own lives and traditions - and I'm happy for them :)

Thanksgiving is also suppose to be a holiday - originated by George Washington if I remember correctly - as a time for all Americans to be thankful to God.  I am very thankful this year - and I thought I would make a list:

I'm thankful for my faith - I don't always practice it like I should, and I doubt when I shouldn't - but I know that God is there and loves me anyway - with all my faults and doubts. Some how he will provide - but it will be HIS way.
I'm thankful for my husband - he is my HOME - no matter what building we put our stuff - he is home.  He protects me and comforts me.  I have well and truly blessed when God put him in my life.
I'm thankful for my health - that is one thing money CAN NOT buy.  The surgery that I had last year has given me a chance to do better and change what I can.  We will let God decide the rest :)
I'm also thankful for my friends - both the ones from my youth, the ones I have had through the years and also new ones.  Each one of you bring a special seasoning to my life that brightens the flavor of the day. (Ooo that sounds so impressive and philosophical) - but its true!!  Each interaction whether it be on Facebook, BLOGS or in person brings something to my life.  A glimpse into someone else's triumphs or fears.  Information they have had the time to look up that I haven't.  I am blessed anyway you look at it.

I loose sight of that sometimes - I look at the bad stuff and get so caught up in my own mouse trap that I forget just how much I DO have.  I'm glad I have taken the time today to really THINK about the blessings in my life and be truly THANKFUL!!

Options and pathways

There are options and pathways possibly opening up - or at least different places to look.  This might be a good thing - SCARY - but good... time will tell... Sorry I'm not being any more forthcoming,  but I'm not ready to 'put it out there' because it is just thoughts.  At least these thoughts have sparked a light in Gary's dark thinking.  A glimmer of hope - and that is a precious gift!!

Thin person question...

And what is weird/wonderful is I can actually count myself as a 'thin' person right now :) Anyway... why is it when my core temp was 101.3 my hands were frozen and my lips blue?  (that's what was going on yesterday - when I wrote the blog entry - I hadn't checked my temp yet) That would mean my body was pulling blood from 'non essential' parts to keep my 'core' warm - and believe me it was warm enough!!  It took a blanket and an electric heating pad for me to stop shivering.  I know I'm a 'nurse' so I should have some basic idea - but I can't think of one.  So I thought I would ask all those 'thin' people out there what their experiences are - because I new at this 'thin' thing :^/

WLS popcicle ...

Yep that would be ME!!  The thermostate in the house says 72* but I think it lies!  I was even cold enough to have my lips turn blue and my fingers turning numb and tingling - LOL... I remember getting blue lips as a kid while swimming - "No Dad, I'm not cold" said through chattering teeth :)))) Before surgery I would have been toasty warm at 72*... now I have a  blanket and heating pad on.  Gary says 'turn the heat up' - well its a HUGE room.  I like to save $$ and electricity for a heating pad is WAY cheaper - LOL - I do take after my Dad.  I didn't appreciate it when I lived with him, but I do now.  Hopefully this popcicle stuff won't last for too long - either way the plan is NOT to gain the insulation back, so I best invest in some cute sweaters :D

Well the meeting yesterday is over with - but it sounds like a bunch of stuff came up today that would have landed on my shoulders if I was there.  I'm so glad I wasn't there!!  There was also an offer of another possision on the BOD... I'm going to have to pass on that.  When I say I'm going to do something I do everything I can to do it... (another thing my Dad taught me).  So if I said I would do it - I would put that above *me* and as my husband reminded me - I need to take care of *me*.  So sorry guys - gonna have to say NO.

Still no desktop computer - this is done on my laptop - so a bit of frustration.  I will need to figure out how to get my Quickbooks over here and then back again when things are up and running... but that is challenge for tomorrow.  Lynn is going up to Auburn for some stuff and I will be going with her in the morning... yep she still wants her Mom along for some stuff ((HUG)) makes me feel needed :) Well Gary has my tea ready and we are going to have some couch time <3 bye for now!!

Bah Humbug...

LOL - Oh it has been quite a day.  Gary has been working on getting all my info on a 'new' computer (well its not 'new' but its the one Momma used to play solitaire on it - so basically new) and it was all done - Woo Hoo!!  Then I got my hands on it - the only thing is all I did was replug in the wires and it won't boot up - GRRR! Not even rebooting is working - and of course we have had that computer long enough that we can't find the CPR disc... sigh... we can order another one that will be about $30 and with shipping - sigh... yeah I'm sighing a lot - LOL!  So with that and Momma... it was like she knew I wasn't in the best of moods - every button was being pushed; or at least it seemed that way.  You know when you're frustrated even a rose can be a weed to you. (do you like my analogy? Well it made sense in my mind.)  So now I'm at work thinking ahead to tomorrow.  I am SO glad I put in my resignation - the petty bickering, one-upsmanship and spiteful back stabbing - and all coming from a couple people.  I've done the job for six+ years now - I think its time.  Plus I have other things on my plate.  Now if it was a PAYING job - that would be a whole other bottle of sauce!! Well I'm hoping to get out of here soon, so I'm signing off - looking forward to Sunday, but not sure what we are going to do.  Daughter and her hubby are Momma sitting but with how tight $$ is right now; the question is, should we really spend it on a road trip?

Oh let me toss in a little bit about the business - I actually got a call from a 'Dr.' office/business that have their own line of stuff - they want me to try it and possibly sell it.  I haven't tried it yet - I did look them up on-line and I think (if I can remember correctly, because its not in front of my face right now) it is more of a diet thing - not really for bypass folk.  Sugars and stuff - but don't quote me - I will need to look again.  ANYWAY - I thought it was cool that they searched ME (well PJ's) out to possibly sell their product <grin>... also I'm suppose to be getting samples of some RTDs as well from another company.  They will have a local distributor (Sacramento area) so I can pick up directly from them and it won't cost me delivery charge!!  I hope they work out - and that they will be appropriate for us... I thin it will though; its a relatively well known name for proteins.  IF it works out - I'll let everyone know <grin> OK I'm grinning more now instead of sighing - Yep thinking about good things does improve the mood - need to do that more <note to self>  Well bye for now <waving>

The gift of time...

Gary and I were just told what we are getting for Christmas from the Eastern Johnsons... a gift of time!!  Some prepaid days for Momma to stay at the 'Hotel'.  WOW - I am so SO grateful!!  You never really know just what you are carrying until that load is lifted from you.  I want to thank the them but also thank God for the timing of the gift!  He knew that the load Gary and I have been carrying has been (and is) SO heavy and stressful right now.  The time and relief that this will provide us is priceless.  My daughter and husband cover for part of a day once a month - and that has helped for sure.  We so look forward to those days let me tell you!!  Even if all we do is sit next to each other in a vehicle - as long as we are away from Momma (and I feel guilty saying that) it is a relief. 

That brings up a point - the guilt of 'caregiving'.  I'm going to 'bare my soul' here a bit - <gulp> - but there are times when I look forward to the time when we will not have to care for Momma.  (and I'm not talking about for just the weekend) The only thing is for that to happen - she will be dead. THERE is where the guilt comes in.  How can I look forward to that time AT ALL - how could I even consider it??  Then I think about how she is at this point in time - in a way she already is.  The person I knew as Momma - that loved to sew - and travel in her truck - and laugh and cook... is no more.  I watched her the other day as she sat at the sewing machine - she didn't even know what it was.  She talks/argues with her reflection in mirrors not recognizing that it isn't another person.  She gets lost in the house now and doesn't know how to find her room without someone leading her there.  That isn't the Momma I remember - she has no memories of how she made my wedding dress or teaching me how to make salmon patties and curried rice.  She can't enjoy a jigsaw puzzle or a good card game of pinochle.   She wanders the house wanting to 'go home' - asking where her Momma is or her brother.  Nightly (and sometimes several times during the night) she wakes up after soaking her bed and the PJs she is wearing.  Then I consider - she might not know who we are, but we know who she is... THAT is why we do it.  THAT is why we will keep caring for her for as long as we can.  Nothing against long term facilities - there really are some good ones out there - but...

So now that I got THAT off my chest - LOL - I will say bye for now. 

New Day...

Its so weird how circulatory my moods can be.  Today though has been a nice day. <sigh> I love nice days :) I feel like I actually got something sort of accomplished - LOL!  I deep cleaned 1/2 of the kitchen (and we have a bigger kitchen), vacuumed 1/2 the house, Liberty Bell came out and worked on a speaker (talk about great customer service!) for the in-home surround sound that we had them install when we built the house.  I got at least 1 load of laundry done, Momma taken care of and I got to visit with a couple friends (while they toured the 'store').  On the way to work (yep that was all in the morning) I dropped off 8 (eight) large yard bags FULL of clothing that wasn't taken from the Gather.  Well 6 was from the Gather and the other 2 were my husbands 'too big' clothes, dropped them off at WEAVE Thrift.  Then of course I had to see what they had - so I picked up a couple (5) shirts for Gary... grand total of $25 (shhh he doesn't know yet).  Now I'm at work and 'blogging' - feeling much better and not quite so down.  Not that anything but my mood has changed - but actually DOING something during the day REALLY helps.  It really is a vicious cycle though - you start feeling down, so you 'mope', nothing really gets done, you feel guilty that you're not doing things you should, so you get more depressed, so you concentrate on what you're not doing and what you 'can't' do, and you get more depressed, so on and so forth . For today at least I broke that cycle - and DID something.  It felt good!!

My name is Lisa...

MY NAME IS LISA

This is a YouTube 'movie' - only 6 minutes long, but boy does it hit home!!  No I'm not in High School like she is - but the main character I'm thinking of is the Mom.  I look back and wonder - just how much we didn't want to acknowledge that anything was wrong w/Momma - 'she's just getting older' - yeah we used that one for quite a few years.  Then she started getting lost - and she was just down the street!  THAT is when we had her 'examined' by the Doc (MMSE - mild to moderate) and HE reported her to DMV and 'they' took her license.  I think that was about 6 years ago now?  In 2007 we finally moved her out of the 'motor home' she was living in - to live w/us.  It sure has been a long road to hoe THAT'S for sure.  She doesn't know who we are (at least by name) any more - nor some of the basics of daily living. I am SO thankful though that I haven't cared for her all on my own.  I'm also glad that I have been here for my husband, so he hasn't had to do this alone.  My hats off to those that DO care-give for someone (not necessarily Alzheimer's) and they don't have the relief that I am blessed with.  Anyway - Melting Momma had this video on her BLOG - I had seen it before, but didn't know the 'address' of it - so I thought I would share it... This will just give you a 'glimpse' as to what Alzheimer's is like - there is so much MORE to it.  I don't know that I want to get into THAT though - However I might some day - there is some good info to know out there... its just way to close to home right now.

Milk and Support

I think I might be becoming lactose intolerant.  I had heard that is was a possibility.  When I was fresh out, I would have milk in my protein drinks and had no problems with them.  Then when reading on a forum I was faithful to, folks were saying 'un-needed' calories in milk - don't use milk, use water!!  So I followed what they suggested, and I got use to using water in my protein drinks.  They weren't as thick - but I got use to them.  So flash forward to today.  I didn't have my usual protein coffee for breakfast, because it was our 'monthly breakfast' that we do every month...

Breaking off to tell you about the monthly breakfast - it use to be a Club Meeting for our 4 wheel drive club (California Trail Runners) but with 'life' intruding the membership is now - to say the least - minimal.  So we decided to open up the 'breakfast' to anyone that would like to join us.  So consider this an open invitation to anyone who reads this to join us on the 2nd Saturday of the month - 9 am - Mel's Diner. 

Back to what I was saying - - - instead I split an omelet with Gary.  After getting home I scooted off to a support meeting and didn't get home until about 3 pm.  All I had since breakfast was water.  THEN we went out to the front of the house and did some serious weeding in the front ditch and cleaning out the culvert under the driveway (preparing for winter) - still no protein drink.  (slapping myself on the back of my hand - I know better!!) So when I came inside to start fixing dinner (about 4:30 ish) I decided the milk in the protein drink (since I hadn't had one yet today) wouldn't hurt me - WRONG!!  No 'dumping' or dropping in BS, but I had pain in my pouch - and what feels like some bloating - uhggg.  I really don't drink milk any more and then to have > 8oz at one time - yeah, not going to do that again soon.

So some thoughts about what the RD was talking about at the Support Meeting today.  She brought up some good points - especially with the holidays coming up.  Think ahead - plan - have some strategies in place.  What am I talking about?  Well if you know you are going to a party - and that there is a good possibility there won't be any foods that you can (should) eat - then bring a dish with you.  OR have something BEFORE you go.  If you go without eating or bringing something with you - you will run the risk of eating something that won't agree with your new plumbing.  Nothing worse than spending a Holiday Party in the potty!!  Also with the craziness of the Holiday's and shopping and time commitments - make sure you bring a little something in your car or purse 'just in case' - such as a small package of nuts or a protien bar.  That way you won't be tempted to 'just pick up something' a the nearest Fast Food place. It was common sense type stuff - but things I would never have thought about BEFORE surgery, but need to now.  I might do a post a little more in depth later... just like I still want to do a 'presentation' about the importance of protein. We tend to forget that - and let our selves fall back into old eating patterns after a while.  Forgetting just how important that protien is to us... especially if you have had a malabsorptive procedure done.  Or have any type of wound/surgery that you are healing from.  More on that later :)

Anyway - it is Saturday - and its been a relatively busy and productive day - but I'm signing off now and I'm going to spend some quality couch time with my husband. With him doing work in the mornings (me watching Momma) and me going to work in the evenings (and him watching Momma) - we really don't get to much 'quality' time together - so bye for now <waving>

This is a test...

Playing with a new toy - Networked Blogs - lets see if it worked :)

Pick your poison...

Artificial sweeteners... there are several out on the market and there are folks with definite preferences and others that just don't care which one or if any.  We (Gary and I) definitely have a preference which one NOT to have... that would be aspartame (aka Equal) also listed in bold print in the 'ingredients' PHENYLKETONURICS: CONTAINS PHENYLALANINE.  Why am I writing about this?  Well I was posting on FB (surprise - LOL) and there was someone there that was having a reaction to Splenda.  Well that is our artificial sweetener of choice now, so I explained why we didn't do Equal... here is the cut and paste (so I don't have to retype it):

Gary (my DH) had been having 'dizzy spells' every once in a while - we though - mmm inner ear something. It wasn't interfering with anything really - just a hassle. since they didn't last long... As time went on - they became more and more frequent and more severe. It got to where they were coming a minimum of monthly and we really started to get worried... so trips to the Doctors (Kaiser) - after MRIs and lab test - Neurologist, Cardiologist, ENT specialist - no one could say what the cause of these dizzy spells were. They had gotten SO bad that with the nausea/vomiting they caused he would pass out (vegal nerve stimulation). They were also coming more than once a week!!  Well during this time my Dad read an article about the 'Evils of Equal' and passed it along to us. Since when aspartame is broken down by the body it is VERY similar to another neurotransmitter - it causes a multitude of symptoms... one of them is vertigo (as well as symptoms similar to MS) so for kicks and giggles we stopped ALL equal consumption. Which was really hard - since we were FAT and thought we were doing the 'right thing' going 'sugar free' (so glad there are other options now!!). Anyways - after stopping ALL Equal we waited - and waited - and waited for the next dizzy spell - it never came!! UNTIL he went through a fast food restaurant drive through and they gave him diet soda - yep with in 45 minutes he had a dizzy spell. Only one other dizzy spell since and that was with some Flavored Water. We didn't check the label close enough. 

Now the way I got MY information is via the internet - so needless to say, you need to take the info with a grain of salt (kosher please - LOL) any way... HERE is one link that is a good one.  Please read it... it might apply to you - or someone you know. 

Ruts...

Yep I fell into my old comfortable rut today... I tried a couple times to steer my way out of it, but slipped right back in - sigh...

So I'm at work now - in another one of my ruts - LOL!  This one I get paid for though :)  Business is slow - but then I haven't been able to really go out an push 'myself' - not quite sure how, beside just going to support meetings and having a presence on-line... putting myself out there in cyber-land is a scary thing though.  One its a new process and learning curve and I just haven't had the time to sit down and figure it out.  (excuse #1) I just can't seem to get motivated - even typing out this much tonight has been an on/off process... my mind is just scattered and doesn't want to stay on track.  I have days like that - where I just feel 'fuzzy' and 'disconnected' - really hard to describe.  I think a big part of it is stress... and not wanting to face 'life' right now.  So I've been jumping from one thing to another and NOTHING gets done... sigh... I'm going to stop typing now and delve into some HULU and try to chart.  Thank goodness THAT is done by route - nothing really changes and I could almost do it blind folded - LOL - but then I would write outside of the lines :^/

Bariatrics

bar·i·at·rics[bar-ee-a-triks]

–noun ( used with a singular verb )

a branch of medicine that deals with the control and treatment of obesity and allied diseases.

You know - it was kinda embarrassing yesterday - I was talking to a bank manager while we were working on some of my volunteer stuff and I mentioned my business PJ's Bariatrics... she asked - what is bariatrics - I just kind of sat there with my mouth open... how do you describe it - its a type of surgery? Its what I had done?  I was at a total loss for words - LOL - 'I' knew what it was, but I couldn't tell someone else what it was... so for anyone else that needs to tell someone just what 'bariatrics' is - above is the official definition per www.dictionary.com

SSDD

Its Monday morning and I did some more of the 'reading' I told myself I was going to start doing - it didn't 'jump' out at me so much this morning - but there were distractions like the cat walking across the key board, Momma getting up and needing to get dressed and have breakfast, and my mind just not sticking to reading.  My ADD kicking in, or my no coffee yet syndrome - LOL!  There was one sentence though that I highlighted - "The effort to shield ourselves from the pain also blocks our awareness of the good stuff." - with that sentence she is trying to get across that when we have had our 'pains' and we shield ourselves so that we won't feel those pains again - that shield doesn't JUST block out the pain, it also blocks out the GOOD feelings as well... the appreciation of a sunset/sunrise - the pleasure of hearing a child's giggle.  That type of 'good' stuff.  She was talking about the pureness of the good childhood memories - the joys that came from simple things.  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I don't have many detailed memories of childhood.  I think that might be a self protective measure, but who knows - it just might be the type of brain I have - LOL!  I even now have difficulty remembering details.  So that is what I glommed onto with my reading this morning :)

Other than that - its the Same Stuff, Different Day - hence the SSDD title... I have weighed basically 163 +/- a pound all week - that is a good thing, and I'm happy with that.  It would be kinda fun to loose to 159.9 though - then I will have lost more than I weigh!!  We are still waiting on bids for Gary's work.  I'm still running the 'store' and business is slow, but steady with the few customers I have (thank you guys!!).  I still work with the little one I have worked with for over 11 years (so he's not so little anymore - LOL).  So not much has changed... Hopefully this week will bring GOOD changes though - maybe we will hear from some of Gary's bids - praying that will happen SOON!!!

Autopilot

As I mentioned before - I had lunch with my sister yesterday.  During that lunch she recommended a book - Strong Women, Soft Hearts by Paula Rinehart.  She said to try reading it slowly and praying before you read for the day.  Read just a page, or two - absorb what was written... see if there a something in there that touches you.  So I started this morning.  She was right - there was a phrase that just jumped out at me. "Life is not a journey you want to make on autopilot".  I have been doing that recently.  The stresses of each day - work, Momma, bills, housework (and the list goes on) I have been just going one day at a time - doing things by habit.  Not really paying attention to life as it has been going on around me.  Another sentence "We can so easily sleepwalk through our days - out of touch, disconnected, half-alive".  I don't want to do that any more.  I have a feeling this book will help point me, and guide me to be alive again.  To help me find joy and passion for living... Oh don't get me wrong - I do have happiness now. I have a loving husband, a wonderful kid and many other blessings... this is more of an inner reflection. "It's just that sometimes we get mired in the very clay he dug us out of, tangled in the weeds of our own wanderings".  I think I'm going to enjoy this 'quiet - just for me time' :) and I might just get something out of it!!

Lifestyle

I have been reading posts and links that folks put up on Facebook - and I really need to read them more closely, but one thing they have in common - they all mention that you have to CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE to maintain the weight loss... what do they mean about lifestyle... the car you drive?  Where you live? What clothes you wear? Well those will change a bit - to a smaller size, but you get the idea.  The lifestyle they are talking about is how you approach and deal with... wait for it... FOOD!!  Yep - THAT is the lifestyle that everyone is talking about. (there is also exercise, but I can't talk about that one - I don't 'exercise', but I do 'move' more now than I did) I am so working on my 'lifestyle'... having the surgery has helped, but the hard work is just beginning.  I've lost the weight I wanted to loose (thank you Lord), but now comes the work on the head - so I don't turn to food for comfort.  That is a change in my lifestyle. I also need to not turn to food out of boredom, another change.  Or how about turning to food in times of stress, depression, celebration - yep that is another change in lifestyle.  All my life up to this point (well April of last year actually) I would (and could) turn to food for distraction, comfort and celebration (I can still celebrate w/food - just changing the type and amount of food).  Now I'm learning a new lifestyle - to DO something if I'm bored.  To pamper myself if I'm depressed.  To concentrate on what I'm celebrating INSTEAD of the food I'm celebrating with.  ALL of those things are different for me - a change in my lifestyle.  Now this isn't saying that I don't fall back into my old ways at times - I do - but my old lifestyle would have been to give up and say 'ah to hell with it' - now my new lifestyle is 'pick your ass up and try again!'... so far so good :)

Cobwebs...

Ahhhh - I feel so much better :) It is so amazing to me how even a short ride will help clear out some of the cobwebs.  Its almost a 'ZEN' feeling when riding.  I'm just riding to work, but in that short 20-30 minutes I don't concentrate on anything else BUT riding.  No worries about $$ or computers or 'to do' lists - just riding!!  There is a vibration and humming - then the feeling of the wind - ahhhh.  Words just don't do it justice - LOL!  An old saying - only a biker knows why a dog hangs his head out a window - yeah, I get it!

I hadn't been riding because I actually had a cold last week... I wanted to make sure I was completely over that because without my fa 'insulation' it gets downright cold at times on the way home.  LAYERS and wind proofing are the keys though.  I feel like the Michelin Man with all my gear on.  The layers consist of a head cover/face mask, helmet - then moving down a shirt, fleece, jacket and a windbreaker - legs get tights, pants and chaps - feet are socks and shoes (hope to get some boots someday soon).  Oh and gloves - LOL!!

I remember one of my favorite NSV (non scale victory) was when I was wondering what was going on with my bike!?! I had 100 miles on it and I wasn't having to switch over to the researve tank yet... when it finally dawned on me, it wasn't anything to do with the bike - it was ME that had changed!!  I had lost about 100# at that time - so the bike was getting better gas mileage not having to haul that extra 100# around.  I was stopped at a light and let out a squeal - now remember if I biker says anything out loud, folks can hear it - there are no windows - so I got a few funny looks, but I didn't care - it was a GREAT NSV!!

Ziploc

As I'm sitting here at work - thinking about eating dinner - I look at the little Ziploc container I'm using and think - I really like these things!  So I thought I would pass it along.  I have mentioned before that I have a problem with portion control... these really help.  I have a lunch box that I fill to bring with me to work - I can fit 4 of these in the box... That is plenty for a 'snack' when I get to work (about 3 pm) and dinner (at about 6 pm) with another 'snack' (about 8-9 pm) before I leave for home.  Each container holds 1-1.5 cups worth of food - so even if I pack a slider food (food that slips easily through my stoma) such as cottage cheese or soup, I still can't eat more because I didn't bring more :) Then now have come out with the twist top ones to - so much better for that liquid stuff!! So tonight I brought home made chili (Momma helped me sort the beans - LOL - kept her busy for a while) some pumpkin cheese cake w/SF caramel sauce drizzled on top, some peanut butter sweetened w/splenda and an apple.  So only 3 containers tonight - with an apple... Evening is the time I eat the most - so limiting what I bring really helps - at least that's the goal :)

Patience

pa·tience/ˈpeɪʃəns/ Show Spel[pey-shuhns]

–noun

1.  the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

Definition provided by Dictionary.com 

What a precious commodity that is!!  It has been totally used up today... now I am just fatigued, depressed, frustrated... by what you might ask?  Oh a number of things... and if I went into detail I would be seriously WHINING - and OH do I really want to!!  However I do know this is sort of public here - I am putting it out there - but this is also my 'life' I'm blogging/journaling about... and right now its a very frustrating/stressful life.  Yes I do know others have it harder - and yes things could be worse - and no I don't want them to be worse - I DO want them to get better - but some things won't GET better... in a single word - Momma.  Other things will take time and waiting - and I don't like waiting - because I would like to know the outcome NOW!! Another thing is computers and programs and stuff I am not that good at - and all the CRAP that goes with them!! Can we say FRUSTRATION here? Still other stuff I pray will get better - but I'm scared that it might just get worse - hence the stress.

During this stress/fatigue/frustration - I would really like to eat myself senseless - so I don't have to feel any of this ... well sort of.  I find myself wanting to, but not wanting to.... it's like a vicious circle in my head - go ahead/NO don't/go ahead, you know you want to/NO DON'T - needless to say, I'm not always successful listening to the NO don't voice... sigh... but sometimes I am.  I sure hope it gets easier - because right now - its not so easy!!

 

Absolutely Nothing...

I feel like I got absolutely nothing done today... I did get Momma's laundry done and made lunch and dinner (with enough left over to eat for DAYS) - so I did do 'something' - just not anything really productive, or anything I 'needed' to do... sigh... Kinda nice, but - feeling a tad on the guilty side as well. 

Its also Halloween tonight - Ba Humbug - we have no carved pumpkin, candy, porch light is out, not getting dressed up - the only concession I made for an Autumn celebration is the pumpkin cheese cake - and that's because I had a boat load (5# block) of cream cheese in the fridge that HAD to get used some how.  I've been that way for a couple years re: the 'Holidays' - I just don't seem to get in the spirit of them.  They are just another day - except for Christmas - that one I do recognize is Jesus' birthday - and I will get little presents for family, but that's about it.  I don't know when I really enjoyed the trappings of the holidays - not so far out from them that's for sure... they have Christmas stuff in the stores already - how $$ oriented is that!! sigh...

So what to do tomorrow - not sure - I 'need' to do SOMETHING productive though - LOL!  There is such a long list of things - its hard to choose just one.  Almost like a Lays potato chip, wait that eat only one - anyway - you get the idea :)

Well both Hubby and I are playing on the computers - side by side in the office - at least until I go to bed - LOL! Off to read my Google Reader - makes keeping up on other folk's blogs a lot easier <thumbs up>

Depression and Vitamin Deficiencies

HERE is a link to where I got my info - I also posted it on my WLS links page.

Reading this it makes me wonder if that is what is causing some of my occasional 'depression'.  Maybe not, because its not a consistent 'depression', but more cyclical (hormones?) - but they might play a part in it.  I've contacted my PCP to see if she could order our labs for us.  Our new insurance doesn't recognize WLS - plus its a 'prior' condition - so no coverage - Grrr!!  THANK GOD (knocking on anything handy) we haven't had any complications NEEDING a doctor re: our WLS... but that also means no rechecks with our surgeon.  I'm not too broken up about that though - we haven't see 'her' since our one week post op.  Its always been someone else in her office - its just the labs really - so if I can get the request from the PCP (and not referencing that its for WLS lab check up) that would be WONDERFUL!!

WOW - Shocker!!

Wow - shocker - there are good people in the world!!  OK, so not too much of a shock there - but here is the story:

I made a sale of several cases of RTD protein. A check was written and I deposited it via on-line scanner (neat thing - don't even have to leave home!! Wish I had remembered that later..) I didn't notice until reconciling my account that the full handwritten amount wasn't written down, so the check didn't clear.  Standard practice - no problem except that I was going to use that $$ to order more product.  Basically right now - when I sell anything - I have to turn around and order what I just sold.  I just don't/didn't have the capitol to put into a 'stock' of merchandise for it to just sit there. (although some has - I guessed wrong on what would sell - but hey I'm buying it from myself :) Now to return to the story - - - I contacted the person and they sent out a replacement check right away. (Another example of great people) Well I didn't deposit it from home like the other - I had it in my wallet to deposit later at the bank (I wanted it to be available right away - no pending) That was last Sunday - when Lynn and Morgan watched my MIL so Gary and I could get away for the day.  Well I decided I would deposit it when we got back - so I still had it in my wallet when we visited the wharf in SF... well when I took my wallet out to pay for the fried calamari - you got it - I lost the check!!  It was windy and there it went... GRRR!!  I was SO ticked at myself... it was $200+ and that is a HUGE chunk of change for me right now.  So I called the person that sent the check - told them my story - apologising profusely for losing the check and could you please put a stop payment on it and take what ever the bank charges and a touch more out for all this hassle and send me a new one.  Well I haven't recieved that 'new one' yet, but what did I get in the mail today??? The check that I lost!!  WOW!! It was in an emvelope post marked in Oakland (tourist maybe? I seriously doubt it floated/flew to Oakland) with no return address.  So I can't even sent a THANK YOU!!  I am so impressed that someone would take the time to mail the check back to me... how cool is that?  Now I have a call out to the original check writer with the question - did you stop payment on that last check??  Oh my - what a comedy of errors, but WOW - THANK YOU to whom ever it was that mailed it back to me!!

Unconscious Munchies

Why is it I sit at the desk at work - I know I'm not 'hungry' - I have a drink (ice tea) in front of me - yet I feel the need to grab for my lunch box and find something SOLID.  I know I can't have anything to drink after eating, and I know I haven't had enough fluid this morning, so why to I reach for it... mmmm... habit?  Yeah - that could be one of the reasons.  My 'work' is in a 12x12 room watching a little one (been with him for 11+ years - not quite so little any more :) and besides reading (and now computer stuff) and the obligatory paperwork,  there isn't too much to do. So I ate.  Sedentary job + unconsciously shoveling food in my mouth = morbidly obese ... yep that WAS me.  I don't want to be able to say that IS me, so instead I'm 'blogging' about it - LOL!  Why not - I've been trying to think about what and where I want this 'blog' to go... I don't know that it will 'GO' anywhere.  I'm going to take a comment that was written to heart and just basically make this a 'journal' of sorts.  A place to put thoughts and musings - hence the name I guess "Scattered Thoughts".  There won't be any particular focus - at least not intentionally - and I will try not to whine too much - LOL!  That won't be easy - it seems like I want to 'vent' and it comes out as a whine. 

One thing I haven't been doing recently is visiting the forums like I use to.  When I first thought about WLS, I started looking into the forums.  I found one (it was listed on a paper handed out my my surgeon's office) and it was (and still is) confusing to navigate around and keep track of posts and messages.  Its a popular forum though and there are LOTS of info... it didn't seem to have any moderators though - there was some bashing that I read and that kinda turned me off from them... I found another one that I could navigate around in and there was a way to track what I posted and where I posted and would even let me know about replies... OK - I liked that one... however there was a distinct focus on it - and I can understand why - it is sponsored by a business.  The info was good though - and there are some really good folks there.  That's where I stayed for quite a while.  I got to know the folks cyber wise and even hosted a couple 'gathers' so we could meet in person.  Then I started branching out - I found another forum that had just as good information - it wasn't slanted toward 'the business' - and wasn't as narrow in their out look.  I also found one that was very small - (not a bunch of active members) - and that was nice as well. 

So where is this story going?? I'm not really sure... just something I've noticed.  I have been spending much more time on FaceBook... supporting and reading there than any of the forums.  I go back now to read on the forums - but I almost feel disconnected from them.  There are so many new people - and I  - I don't know - just don't feel like 'talking' on them.  I should though - I have a business that I'm trying to build.  To do that I need to 'network'...  I just don't want'ta **said in a whiny voice**  Maybe because I was looking at it as work - instead of just enjoying giving and receiving the support.  Almost like I was starting to look at this 'blog' - work - and work is a four letter word.  Soooo I think I will quit beating myself up about not being on the forums like I use to - and start just 'enjoying' what ever time I do spend on them... maybe post... maybe not... but stop making it into a job. 

Well I distracted myself away from the 'munchies' so that goal has been achieved - LOL - now to go get another glass of iced tea...

Mustard...

This was sent to me via e-mail - yeah one of 'those' pass along because they are funny jokes... well this one had both Gary and I rolling...

Mustard
I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).
 

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.  
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers..  
 I love mustard.

 I had no napkin.

 I licked it off.

 It was not mustard.

 No man ever put a baby down faster.

 It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
 tongue protruding out.

 With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
 shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

 Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
 wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard
 Poupon.'' 

  When you stop laughing, pass it on.