Sunday, October 31, 2010

Absolutely Nothing...

I feel like I got absolutely nothing done today... I did get Momma's laundry done and made lunch and dinner (with enough left over to eat for DAYS) - so I did do 'something' - just not anything really productive, or anything I 'needed' to do... sigh... Kinda nice, but - feeling a tad on the guilty side as well. 

Its also Halloween tonight - Ba Humbug - we have no carved pumpkin, candy, porch light is out, not getting dressed up - the only concession I made for an Autumn celebration is the pumpkin cheese cake - and that's because I had a boat load (5# block) of cream cheese in the fridge that HAD to get used some how.  I've been that way for a couple years re: the 'Holidays' - I just don't seem to get in the spirit of them.  They are just another day - except for Christmas - that one I do recognize is Jesus' birthday - and I will get little presents for family, but that's about it.  I don't know when I really enjoyed the trappings of the holidays - not so far out from them that's for sure... they have Christmas stuff in the stores already - how $$ oriented is that!! sigh...

So what to do tomorrow - not sure - I 'need' to do SOMETHING productive though - LOL!  There is such a long list of things - its hard to choose just one.  Almost like a Lays potato chip, wait that eat only one - anyway - you get the idea :)

Well both Hubby and I are playing on the computers - side by side in the office - at least until I go to bed - LOL! Off to read my Google Reader - makes keeping up on other folk's blogs a lot easier <thumbs up>

Friday, October 29, 2010

Depression and Vitamin Deficiencies

HERE is a link to where I got my info - I also posted it on my WLS links page.

Reading this it makes me wonder if that is what is causing some of my occasional 'depression'.  Maybe not, because its not a consistent 'depression', but more cyclical (hormones?) - but they might play a part in it.  I've contacted my PCP to see if she could order our labs for us.  Our new insurance doesn't recognize WLS - plus its a 'prior' condition - so no coverage - Grrr!!  THANK GOD (knocking on anything handy) we haven't had any complications NEEDING a doctor re: our WLS... but that also means no rechecks with our surgeon.  I'm not too broken up about that though - we haven't see 'her' since our one week post op.  Its always been someone else in her office - its just the labs really - so if I can get the request from the PCP (and not referencing that its for WLS lab check up) that would be WONDERFUL!!

WOW - Shocker!!

Wow - shocker - there are good people in the world!!  OK, so not too much of a shock there - but here is the story:

I made a sale of several cases of RTD protein. A check was written and I deposited it via on-line scanner (neat thing - don't even have to leave home!! Wish I had remembered that later..) I didn't notice until reconciling my account that the full handwritten amount wasn't written down, so the check didn't clear.  Standard practice - no problem except that I was going to use that $$ to order more product.  Basically right now - when I sell anything - I have to turn around and order what I just sold.  I just don't/didn't have the capitol to put into a 'stock' of merchandise for it to just sit there. (although some has - I guessed wrong on what would sell - but hey I'm buying it from myself :) Now to return to the story - - - I contacted the person and they sent out a replacement check right away. (Another example of great people) Well I didn't deposit it from home like the other - I had it in my wallet to deposit later at the bank (I wanted it to be available right away - no pending) That was last Sunday - when Lynn and Morgan watched my MIL so Gary and I could get away for the day.  Well I decided I would deposit it when we got back - so I still had it in my wallet when we visited the wharf in SF... well when I took my wallet out to pay for the fried calamari - you got it - I lost the check!!  It was windy and there it went... GRRR!!  I was SO ticked at myself... it was $200+ and that is a HUGE chunk of change for me right now.  So I called the person that sent the check - told them my story - apologising profusely for losing the check and could you please put a stop payment on it and take what ever the bank charges and a touch more out for all this hassle and send me a new one.  Well I haven't recieved that 'new one' yet, but what did I get in the mail today??? The check that I lost!!  WOW!! It was in an emvelope post marked in Oakland (tourist maybe? I seriously doubt it floated/flew to Oakland) with no return address.  So I can't even sent a THANK YOU!!  I am so impressed that someone would take the time to mail the check back to me... how cool is that?  Now I have a call out to the original check writer with the question - did you stop payment on that last check??  Oh my - what a comedy of errors, but WOW - THANK YOU to whom ever it was that mailed it back to me!!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Unconscious Munchies

Why is it I sit at the desk at work - I know I'm not 'hungry' - I have a drink (ice tea) in front of me - yet I feel the need to grab for my lunch box and find something SOLID.  I know I can't have anything to drink after eating, and I know I haven't had enough fluid this morning, so why to I reach for it... mmmm... habit?  Yeah - that could be one of the reasons.  My 'work' is in a 12x12 room watching a little one (been with him for 11+ years - not quite so little any more :) and besides reading (and now computer stuff) and the obligatory paperwork,  there isn't too much to do. So I ate.  Sedentary job + unconsciously shoveling food in my mouth = morbidly obese ... yep that WAS me.  I don't want to be able to say that IS me, so instead I'm 'blogging' about it - LOL!  Why not - I've been trying to think about what and where I want this 'blog' to go... I don't know that it will 'GO' anywhere.  I'm going to take a comment that was written to heart and just basically make this a 'journal' of sorts.  A place to put thoughts and musings - hence the name I guess "Scattered Thoughts".  There won't be any particular focus - at least not intentionally - and I will try not to whine too much - LOL!  That won't be easy - it seems like I want to 'vent' and it comes out as a whine. 

One thing I haven't been doing recently is visiting the forums like I use to.  When I first thought about WLS, I started looking into the forums.  I found one (it was listed on a paper handed out my my surgeon's office) and it was (and still is) confusing to navigate around and keep track of posts and messages.  Its a popular forum though and there are LOTS of info... it didn't seem to have any moderators though - there was some bashing that I read and that kinda turned me off from them... I found another one that I could navigate around in and there was a way to track what I posted and where I posted and would even let me know about replies... OK - I liked that one... however there was a distinct focus on it - and I can understand why - it is sponsored by a business.  The info was good though - and there are some really good folks there.  That's where I stayed for quite a while.  I got to know the folks cyber wise and even hosted a couple 'gathers' so we could meet in person.  Then I started branching out - I found another forum that had just as good information - it wasn't slanted toward 'the business' - and wasn't as narrow in their out look.  I also found one that was very small - (not a bunch of active members) - and that was nice as well. 

So where is this story going?? I'm not really sure... just something I've noticed.  I have been spending much more time on FaceBook... supporting and reading there than any of the forums.  I go back now to read on the forums - but I almost feel disconnected from them.  There are so many new people - and I  - I don't know - just don't feel like 'talking' on them.  I should though - I have a business that I'm trying to build.  To do that I need to 'network'...  I just don't want'ta **said in a whiny voice**  Maybe because I was looking at it as work - instead of just enjoying giving and receiving the support.  Almost like I was starting to look at this 'blog' - work - and work is a four letter word.  Soooo I think I will quit beating myself up about not being on the forums like I use to - and start just 'enjoying' what ever time I do spend on them... maybe post... maybe not... but stop making it into a job. 

Well I distracted myself away from the 'munchies' so that goal has been achieved - LOL - now to go get another glass of iced tea...


This was sent to me via e-mail - yeah one of 'those' pass along because they are funny jokes... well this one had both Gary and I rolling...
I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.  
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers..
 I love mustard.

 I had no napkin.

 I licked it off.

 It was not mustard.

 No man ever put a baby down faster.

 It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
 tongue protruding out.

 With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
 shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

 Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
 wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard

 When you stop laughing, pass it on.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Something I've noticed

There is something I've noticed... while reading different BLOGS or web sites or Facebook and all the other places folk post stuff... it seems similar subjects come in waves.  One person post something, then another posts about it, then another and so on... Where do the original ideas come from?  Who starts them? I don't know if when I 'blog' I want to do the same thing and post 'my' opinion or not... it usually follows along (for the most part) with everyone else.  So why repeat what everyone else is saying?  I guess that's one of the reasons why I'm having a hard time thinking of things to post.  Its usually already been said; and in a more readable, understandable format than what I would do.  As you can tell by now, I'm not the most articulate person around.  I would love to post INSPIRATIONAL things - or INFORMATIONAL things - or INTERESTING things... I just don't seem to get to them before everyone else - LOL - or I just don't think of those things until I read them else where - yeah, that's probably it :) 

Monday, October 25, 2010

My adventures

In the previous post I mentioned that I'm sick - yep - sneezing, stuffy/runny nose - no temp to speak of (thank goodness) so that rules out the flu - just a common cold.  Still miserable though... so I looked at Neti Pots and thought - mmm - maybe - then I got to the store and saw the cost $17... ok not so much, but when you don't have that in your account - its too much.  So I did a McGyver - LOL - improvised.  I had some normal saline packets for a nebulizer (breathing treatment machine Gary used to have to use) - and so I leaned my head over and used those... well when the nose is plugged - it will just run out the side I'm trying to fill = mess!!  However it did soften the plug stuff so I was able to clear it a bit... that was Saturday - did a repeat yesterday and this morning... I think it has helped some with the nose - however, I'm now getting into the aches... not sure if its cold related, or because I've been 'taking it easy' (being lazy)... so I think I will consider a REAL neti pot when $$ allows - it would provide a better seal instead of just dripping and making a mess - LOL! 

On Sunday we made a delivery - then continued on to SF.  Just Gary and I... such a nice treat.  Yeah I was sick, but I was just sitting in the truck.  We did have a basket of fried (yes fried) calamari at the wharf - but the treat and the day (even thought is was cold/windy/wet) was WONDERFUL!  Days like that help me remember what is important.  $$ is nice, but can't buy companionship/comfort/love... (sorry for the mushy stuff :)  We didn't take a map - so we also 'wandered' through SF for a while (in the truck - to cold and wet to walk) seeing the sights... we haven't done that for a while.  Just taken off and gone driving.  Yep Sunday was a good day - oh and what about Momma??  Lynn & Morgan stayed with her.  They were bored out of their minds - I'm sure - but we so greatly appreciate them doing that for us... plus Lynn made up some mini pumpkin pie things - using a fresh pumpkin!!  YUM!!

Made another delivery today and have another tomorrow - Woo Hoo!!  Slow and steady wins the race... <big grin>  Well I'm at work (my paying job) so I guess I better start getting to the paperwork - bye for now <waving>

Saturday, October 23, 2010

My first since surgery

My first what you might ask - my first cold!  ARG!!  Sneezing/runny nose/starting to get stuffed up - yeah starting to feel yucky.  However - I have notice this is the first one since surgery... OMG - I use to get a cold about every 4-6 months and its been 18 months!!  How amazing is that?  Now I don't know if its because I've lost weight, or I'm now religiously taking vitamins.  Maybe its because I'm eating more nutritious foods instead of quantities of foods.  I must admit that my mind is fuzzy and I'm not going to 'lyrically wax on' about the mysteries of my health... just thought it was a wonderful side effect of surgery - IF that's what it is.  Now I'm going to make it though this shift at work - and take some meds when I get home because wouldn't you know it - I have plans tomorrow (on my day off) and I don't want to be sick - LOL!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Best intentions...

I have the best intentions in the world to BLOG every day - I even find myself thinking as I drive/ride to and from work - I should post about >-------< and then I get to work, or home and nada, zip, zero - I have completely brain farted everything I wanted to type about - LOL - OK at home I really don't have the time to sit and type - there are SO many other things I SHOULD be doing - that I start multiple things and nothing gets done - LOL!  Then by the time I get to work - I almost don't want to 'think'... I want to mindlessly cruise FaceBook and watch HULU! Am I escaping reality??  You betcha! (LOL - flash to a FB comment-log - but again 'that' is a post for another time that I will probably forget about ;) Why do I have such a hard time following through on thoughts?  Now you know why the blog's name is 'Scattered Thoughts' - LOL... actually I'm escaping doing my 'volunteer' job by blogging.  I 'resigned' from my position (effective 2/2011) - and I have serious short timers attitude.  I really enjoyed doing it - and I think did it well - but I'm done! Funny thing is, I will probably miss doing it after a month or so - LOL.

Ok... I went back to my volunteer job and am  escaping again I'm taking another break... I have no idea what I WAS going to say - so on to another subject.

Gary has a part time job... OK a really small part time job (3-4 hrs/week) but who knows, it might work into something more - AND that will give him time to keep working on his business.  He has been bidding boocoo (lots of) jobs - and if any of them come in it will be WONDERFUL!!  If they ALL come in we will be SO very busy!!  I want at least one of them to come in though.  Not just for the $$ - yeah the $$ would be GREATLY appreciated; but also so that he will know that YES he CAN do this.  He sees the occasional sales I have, and gets frustrated that he isn't selling anything.  Well my protein is a different product - that's for sure - LOL - and his will make more money WHEN it sells.

Well I'm off to watch some HULU and then I will finish with my volunteer job, then chart for my 'real' job... all the while counting the minutes until I get to go home to where my heart is...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Life - TMI - Stuff

Well as an update to what is happening in my life... not a whole lot - LOL!  Weight wise - I'm still holding in the mid 160's... I'm happy there.  I would like to have a better pooping schedule (yeah TMI for some) but I'm still working on balancing fluids/fiber and I really think my TOM/hormones play a big part in it.  Speaking of TMI and TOM - I have a feeling I'm heading to the 'change' - no TOM for the last couple months.  Also NO I'm not pregnant - LOL!

Hosted the 'Gather' last weekend - smaller than I expected - WAY smaller - LOL - but with the economy, traveling and I just haven't been putting in too much of a presence on the forums recently.  Those that came though - I'm REALLY am glad you made it!! (even those that came on Friday and Sunday - LOL) I enjoyed the food and friendship and look forward to getting together outside of a 'gather'.

Still needing prayers though - Gary has been working SO hard... but it takes time to put in bids and WAIT for answers... the waiting SUCKS!!  Bureaucracy works SLOWLY though... and in triplicate - LOL!!  We are also waiting for Momma's social worker to contact us - again that is a wait - 3 to 4 month wait!!  Grrrr!!  So at this point I'm looking around  the house and property thinking - Mmmm I wonder if we could sell that? How much would we get? Would it be worth it?  Would we regret it? If we don't - would we regret it more?  This is where the trust in God comes in - that he will 'provide' - not by gifting it (such as a lottery ticket - although I wouldn't toss it away - LOL) but by giving us ideas of the direction we need to go... such as the businesses.  Providing us with opportunities to provide for ourselves.  Directing our thoughts (if we listen)... I must admit - that is one thing I do miss... going to church.  (there is no way we could take Momma - and I would want to go w/Gary) Not so much the church we use to go to - but the reading and contemplation of the Bible and the words within.  I guess more of a Bible Study w/communion :) I don't seem to do well studying on my own - there is always 'other' things I find myself doing... Maybe I need to start putting THAT first - or at least try it for a while.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I wonder...

I wonder if I have any Manic/Depressive tenancies?  Oh not to where I get psychotic or anything... but while looking it up on WebMD (and you know you can trust EVERYTHING you read on the web - LOL) I spotted this:

What Are Signs of Hypomania With Bipolar II Disorder?

Signs of hypomania with bipolar II disorder include:
  • Decreased need for sleep - I slept maybe 5 hours last night a very lightly at that...
  • Extreme focus on projects at work or at home Yeah - focused on the 'Support Group' idea tonight.
  • Exuberant and elated mood - another one here - I'm stoked with the idea of starting up a Support Group - and learning new skills - meeting new people.
  • Increased confidence - Possibly - look at above responses... would I do that 'normally'?
  • Increased creativity and productivity - productivity - a bit more - as time allowed today.
  • Increased energy and libido - yeah - increased energy.
  • Reckless behaviors - Nope I don't think so...
  • Risk-taking behaviors - Again I don't think so. 
This is almost how I felt when I decided to 'start' the store. It was a good thing (I think) that I started it.  Time will tell, but so far so good.  This isn't the first time that there have been marked ups (or at least that I took notice of them) - and I know I have downs (don't like those - LOL) - so I'm wondering - is what I'm feeling the normal ups and downs everyone has, or are they more pronounced than 'everyone else'.  I think the reason why I'm noticing it more is that I have been paying attention to myself and how I'm FEELING more.  Not just taking for granted that this is the way I am today.  I'm noticing thoughts vs. actions and the feelings along with them.  This is a good thing - one that I probably should have done YEARS ago.  I have thought about 'talking' with someone - not just about what I'm going through now - life in general and other stresses - but my past and how that might be effecting me now.  I don't think I will be doing that any time soon though - $$ is the main consideration there.  So for the time being - I will continue to read and self 'talk to' via this blog and introspection - that will just have to do for now. 

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Earlier today I read my nephew's blog and I guess it made me a bit 'contemplative' (wow - that's a big word for me - LOL)... not so much in a bad way, but made me think about why I/we might be where we are right now.  Not just where I'm sitting (which is work - yeah blogging while I'm at work - shhh - don't tell the boss) but in life in general.  Having the surgery, starting a business, resigning from my volunteer job, walking a financial tight rope and not doing it well, taking care of Momma, blogging and self reflecting... WHY am I here doing what I'm doing?  So many times I forget that I'm not in this alone.  Yeah I have my husband (my rock and soft place to fall) and my daughter (my joy and treasure) - but I also have God... I just don't lean on him like I should - and share my burdens with him.  I try to shoulder them all myself, and wonder what else should I do... instead of asking him what I should do.  Not that I would magically hear his voice saying 'you should do .....'; but ask him to guide me in making decisions that go along with his plan for me.  Its hard to let go of the reins though... to trust him like I should - that I am right were he wants me to be - doing what I need to be doing. 

So with this heavy contemplation I wanted to remember my blessings and not just my difficulties.  Some of them - in no particular order besides how they popped into my head:

My Husband - for being my rock (always being there when I needed a hug or shoulder - even a swift kick at times) and my soft place to fall (where I feel safe, loved and cherished)
My Daughter - who has grown up to be a wonderful young lady, with so much tenderness and caring within her; and a heart that over flows at times.
My Dad (and Mom - in her own way - but that is a story for another time) Gave me my foundation - and with out the BOTH of them, I wouldn't be who I am today.
The little one sitting on my lap trying to get my attention and making me laugh :) he helps bring to view how life could have been so different.
My health - that had gotten bad enough for me to want to change it for the better.
The life that God has given me so far... that is a BLESSING... even with the challenges and stresses - those are blessings as well - for they make me strive to be better than I was.

Life is change - not sure what those changes will end up being - not sure if I will 'like' those changes - but as my Dad would tell me - - "cross that bridge when you come to it". Plus you never know - it just might be one of the best things that has happened to me so far :)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Should I - or Shouldn't I - that is a question....

As I'm researching all these support groups - I'm seeing the different formats that are used by the 'moderators'... all have their points and are pretty good... I wondering if I should try to start a support group. Would people come? Would I be able to 'support' folks? Do I (at 18 months out) have enough 'experience' at this WLS stuff to be able to give good support? I would like to consider myself as sort of successful at being a WLS patient... I mean I'm at 'goal' - but I still have some 'issues' I have to work on myself.  IF I did a support group - where to have it? Not at my house - too much w/Momma there - I would love it if Gary could be there too, but he can't even make the ones I go to now - (Momma sitting) - sigh... Now we already go for breakfast once a month - we could just do one there - an informal one (would sort of have to be since Momma would be there with us) - where we take up the back area and we just get together and 'share' our journeys... that sounds like it might be do able... and maybe a place to start. LOL - thanks for listening/reading my scattered thoughts on this... we'll see what happens :)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Day Off

Today has been a nice day off - went shopping (grocery) and actually used coupons for the first time - saved some and will probably become one of 'those' coupon junkies - LOL - so did up a HUGE pot of stew - it should last for several days, but I will probably freeze some in individual servings.  Also got some chicken for 0.77 cents a pound - cooked a bunch up - so that will be used sometime during the week... We also are watching the Grandpuppies today - letting Daughter & Husband have a day off on their own -not having to worry about 'the kids'... they have been good puppies today :)

Saturday should be fun - hosting the N.CA Gather... I'm not sure just how many will show up... and hey if you are in the Sacramento area not doing anything else, come on by :) It started out as just one forum get together, but I put it up on FB because I didn't get much response on that forum so I opened it up... we'll see how it goes.  We also do a breakfast once a month - the second Saturday... that is also open for any one that wants to swing by.

Anyway to get back to today - so after cooking and spending time w/Gary - checking e-mail etc and Woo Hoo - got an order from someone at the Support Group meeting yesterday!!  So out I went and made a delivery - LOVE IT!!  Now Momma is all ready for bed - we are watching Babalon 5 DVDs and counting down until she goes to bed and we can be 'alone'... well we will still have puppies - not sure when they will get picked up - LOL!  (amended - they're picked up and the kids had a great day)

Tomorrow I'm going to a MeetUp - that should be interesting... sounds like it is a new group. Maybe there will be another customer there - here's hoping!!

OH I also caught up with another side of the Johnson family!!  FB is such a wonderful tool.  Now to meet up with them and catch up on years worth of 'what happened in your life?'  I can't wait.,.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Support Meeting

I went to another support meeting - I had gone once before 2 months ago when I JUST started my business... larger group of folk and quite a few bandsters - which is cool!  I did a protein tasting which seemed to stir some interest and it was fun to share.  I'm really liking this person to person stuff - which is a good thing right?  I just wish I could spend more time with Gary - or that he can come with me - to be able to 1) get some support outside of me and 2) get to share the male point of view.  There were a couple guys there - which is really nice to see - but I've noticed that support groups (either cyber or in person) tend to be mostly female.  I don't know if more females than males are getting surgery - just thought that was interesting.  Well I'm at my paying job right now - so I guess I should get to it - LOL!  Just thought I would jot down how it went... I think I will try to make this meeting one of the steady ones I go to - mostly because its on a Saturday and I don't have to take off work for it... :) but the people are pretty nice too.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Daddy, Momma and life...

I miss my Dad... woke up this morning and when I came into the office Gary is listening to a post on Facebook - Dolly Parton's song about 'Daddy's Hands' (wonderful song)... well that got me to thinking just how much I miss him!!  What would he say about how I am doing now?  I think he would be happy for me that I have gotten healthy - and that's a good thing.  I would be able to ask him what I should do about our finances... not that he would give direct advice - but he had a way of steering your thinking by asking questions that made you figure out what you already knew you should do.  He also gave the best hugs!!  I miss my Daddy... now to pull up my big girl panties and get on with the rest of my day.

Doing a 12 hr shift today - LONG day!! I feel bad that Gary will have to cover Momma ALL day - it is SO wearing.  She just sucks the life right out of you.  Not anything that she purposely does (not with this disease).  Let me just say right here and now - Alzheimer Disease SUCKS!! Every now and again - she has a glimmer of awareness that her memory isn't really there - then she is gone again.  She is our 88 year old toddler - that can NOT be reasoned with.  Sigh... well got to go pack up my meals for the day - then finish Momma's laundry - then off to work. 

I'm going to a support group tomorrow too - I've gone to it before, so we will see... doing a 'protein tasting'... I didn't get any sales from the last one - nor from any that I've gone to yet... frustrating!!  I've got stuff together so that I can send out samples... we will see how that goes... bye for now...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


[proh-kras-tuh-neyt, pruh-] verb, -nat·ed, -nat·ing.
–verb (used without object)
to defer action; delay: to procrastinate until an opportunity is lost.
–verb (used with object)
to put off till another day or time; defer; delay.


the act of avoiding or keeping away from: the avoidance of scandal; the avoidance of one's neighbors.
Law . a making void; annulment.
These two things are 1) a coping mechanism that I have used 2) things I need to NOT use as a coping mechanism.  I have put off doing unpleasant things and it has cost us.  Lost opportunities - penalties - time... I get so frustrated with myself that I do this.  My 'word' for the year has been 'DO' - and that is what I have been trying to do, and succeeded in some areas (starting the business for one) ... but the same old responses to stress and unpleasant tasks have come back to haunt me.  When I realize and think about just how much I have put off (procrastinated) - and how much I need to do - I get to feeling SO snowed under and over whelmed  -  I don't think about it, so I don't get depressed (avoidance)... not like doing either of those two things HELPS in ANY way - all it does is make what ever worse.  
How do I stay on track?  How can I focus on what I need to do, and DO it?  Which task should I focus on first - and what to do with all the others that I have going?  I think that is one of the reasons why I was feeling so BLAH yesterday - I started 'thinking' (see what happens when I think?? - LOL) and I thought myself into a dark area.  I wonder sometimes if I have ADD or something along those lines - would medication help?  Meditation? The Mediterranean?  Is it because of stress, vitamin deficiency, Alzheimer? Will I always be so scattered, or is there help for me somewhere out there - LOL!  
Anyway - there is a scary glimpse into my mind - or lack there of...  now I need to get back to work...


Today we are suppose to go get some firewood - at least that is the plan right now.  We have to wait until Momma does her morning constitutional (wouldn't want to deal with that on the road) then we will be off to plunder a pile of firewood.  Craig's List - Gary has been cruising it and found a guy that had some cherry wood (from a torn up orchard) dumped on his property - he is selling it for $50/cord - that is a GOOD price for firewood!!  So that is the plan today - go load up the trailer with some cherry wood - to feed our wood burning stove for the winter. Last year we were able to do most of our heat with 1.5 cords and kept it up to 80* sometimes - and with loosing all the weight - that warmth feels GOOD!!!

Maybe because there is a 'plan' today - or maybe just because - but I'm feeling a bit less blah this morning.  Still a lot of $$ concerns, I don't picture THAT going away any time soon, unless we win the lottery - but then again, I don't want to spend the $1 on the ticket so I don't think I have much of a chance there - LOL! Heading off to finish my protein coffee (breakfast of .... well maybe not champions, but at least me :) and hooking up the trailer.  TTYL
Here is the truck FULL and the trailer - thank goodness we had the tractor!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Blahs

I really dislike the blahs - not sure the cause of them - but the effects suck!! I 'should' be on some of the forums giving support and reading and basically getting 'me' out there.  I just can't dig up the umption to do that.  I don't have the umph to answer anything really.  All I want to do is eat foods I shouldn't... SUGAR/COOKIES/CRACKERS - yep those are my trigger foods - and NO I don't have any with me - I have chicken, turkey, cheese and cottage cheese. (I'm at work) No matter how bad the munchies get - I can't do TOO much damage.  And after eating the chicken - <burp> - I don't know if the turkey/cheese is going to get eaten - sigh... even posting here is taking an effort.  I'm just glad my 'blahs' don't seem to last too long... they might be hormonal?? Amplified by stress?? Who knows - and right now, I really don't care :( I just want over them!!

Tuesday morning weigh in

Don't let the title fool you - I'm a scale hoe.  I still weigh every day, sometimes two to three times a day - depending on if I had a good poop or not - LOL!  I tend to not let it bother me, because I KNOW that there are fluctuations and I have watched the scale bounce around with them.  I am just curious - if/when I eat out of plan (like just recently I attacked Momma's eatable arrangement - chocolate covered at that) I didn't 'gain'... now that its been 3-4 days, I have 'gained' 4-5 pounds.  Now I'm curious - is that 'fat'?  Did the possible 1000 cal of chocolate over 2-3 days put those 4-5 pounds on? Or is it 'water' weight? There was a detailed description as to the breakdown on glucose/glycogen etc. that I will find and post - excellent description.  So is it that process, but in reverse?  Or it could be 'that time of the month' - SO CONFUSING!!  Now you know why I don't let specific numbers freak me out TOO much.  I do find though that when the numbers are heading to my 'line in the sand' - which for me right now is 170 - I REALLY start to watch what I put in my mouth!! I go back to my protein drinks and SOLID protein meals - yes that means chicken, sliced deli meats, things that I know sit heavy in my pouch... I actually have to purposely aim for those foods.  I find that I lean towards the easier foods for my pouch - cottage cheese, soft saucy things - who likes that 'heavy' feeling after a couple bites - I LIKE to eat - and solid proteins don't let me eat that much - but that is the point isn't it - LOL!  So I'm back (at least today) on the solid stuff... the few pounds might just be TOM water weight - but I'm heading back to that line in the sand and I REFUSE to step over it!!

Found what I copy and pasted on FACEBOOK... here is that info:

Copy and Pasted - info from Baka in a thread on BTV - excellent discription of the process of those WTF moments our bodies do.

***Pull back from your ‘daily’ charting, and look at a weekly or even monthly. There are up and down spikes each day, But if you ‘graph’ the highest to the lowest, I’d bet there is still A downward slope over the course of the month.

There’s an 8 to 10lb. volume of "wiggle room" due to water alone. And it comes into play a lot. This has to do with our bodies using glycogen for short term energy storage. Glycogen is not very soluble, But it is stored in our muscles for quick energy – One pound of glycogen requires 4 lbs of water to keep it soluble, And the average glycogen storage capacity is about 2 lbs.

So, when you are not getting in enough food, (Like when you drop down to your calorie intake) Your body turns first to stored glycogen, Which is easy to break down for energy. And when you use up 2 lbs of glycogen, You also lose 8 lbs of water that was used to store it Voila -- the "easy" 10 lbs that most people lose in the first week of any diet.

As you stay in caloric deficit, however, Your body starts to ‘realize’ that this is not a short term problem.

You start mobilizing fat from your adipose tissue And burning fat for energy. But your body also ‘realizes’---- (by way of your liver releasing hormones signaling low Cal intake) ---That fat can't be used for short bursts of energy – Like, to outrun a saber-tooth tiger. So, it starts converting some of the fat into glycogen, And rebuilding the glycogen stores.

And as it puts back the 2 lbs of glycogen into the muscle, 8 lbs of water has to be stored with it to keep it soluble. So, even though you might still be LOSING energy content to your body, (Thus showing negative Calorie load overall) Your weight will not go down or you might even GAIN for a while As you retain water to dissolve the glycogen that is being reformed and stored. Yes? The whole ‘weight-loss’ process is not a straight "Slide" down the scale. More like "Stair-Steps," (Down then forward, then down, then forward, etc... As your body cycles fat out of "deep storage" and through the Liver Into the muscles as Glycogen.

The muscles and Liver can hold about a 3 weeks supply. This is why many people find that their "Stall" or "Plateau" Breaks when adding a bit of exercise And upping their water intake, or in the case of an "extreme exerciser," The total Calorie or Protein Intake, To signal the liver to let go of more Glycogen.

Hope this helps some. You are doing Great! Keep it Up***

Monday, October 4, 2010

New Support Group

I went to a new (sort of) support group tonight.  I went to this support group pre-op, but that was 18 months ago (or there abouts)... It was a pretty good support group.  Info from NAWLS (common mistakes made by WLS patients) was used (full credit given) and there was discussion about that info. There was one that came up - 'saying mean and hearless things to yourself' - there was one person that VEHEMENTLY disagreed with that.  They were like - I told myself I was fine and I got FAT, telling myself I'm a FAT PIG is getting me thinner... WOW - I so disagree with that!!  The way I feel is if I wouldn't tell (or call) a child/friend something - then why would I tell/call myself that?  You have to at least TRY to respect yourself as much as you would a friend.  The moderator of the group basicly stood aside and let the comment pass with a blase' 'if that is what works for you' <jaw hanging open!!> I had to put my two cents in - so I said how I felt and left it at that.  I didn't want to create a scene - but please!! I did this surgery to become healthier - not just physically, but mentally as well.  I KNOW I had problems with self esteem and how I pictured myself - I would feel worthless no matter WHAT any one else said - let alone what I told myself.  I feel bad, because how can could I teach my daughter self worth, if I didn't have any of my own?  I do thank God she has turned out as well as she has - and that is HER doing, not me. 

ANYWAY - there were a couple people that seemed supportive of a new business in Sacramento - and I am doing some research about protein for someone there - as well as for myself.  About the different TYPES of proteins.  Whey Isolate/Concentrate/Casine and Collogen - also egg and soy. So on the other page I put up some links to some sites I found with some interesting info. 

Well I'm home now - so I'm going to spend some couch time with the hubby - I really treasure the time when Momma is in bed and I can spend some AWAKE alone time with my husband. Bye for now...

Another Monday

Well I succeeded yesterday in staying out of the Cyber Vortex - LOL - I went through withdrawals, but I did it!!  I did find that I had munchy urges - not sure if that was because I wasn't getting the cyber fix or not - instead I mowed the front lawn - well I would have done it anyway, but the timing was when I was feeling munchy.  I also stayed away from the NSA ice cream (yeah me!!) I didn't stay away from my MIL eatable arraignment though (bad me)... those chocolate covered pieces of fruit called my name.  Strange how the sugar (because I seriously doubt they were SF) in the chocolate didn't drop my BS, but I grab some crackers and BOOM there it goes!! I'm still getting use to this new digestive system. So far though - I would do it again in a heart beat!!

I'm headed to a new support group meeting tonight.  Its sponsored by my surgeons office, so it should be interesting.  I was suppose to be sharing the time with a vitamin rep.  however he had to cancel due to <not sure exactly> I wasn't called by the organizer that my time was canceled so I'm still going. I'm going to be printing up 'introductory' letters and a before/after picture. (I'm going to try to post one at the end of this - first picture IN a blog posting)... I don't know if it does any good - but hey, I'm going to try.  I know my prices aren't SUPER low - so THAT doesn't bring people in.  So I'm trying to provide something else that is unique - FREE DELIVERY (to the greater Sacramento area) - I've been able to do that for a few - but it just doesn't seem to 'draw' the business - sigh... I know - patience Paula (God please grant me patience - and I want it RIGHT NOW!!)

Well Momma is up - eating breakfast.  She actually had a brief moment last night where she realized her memory just wasn't there.  It was a kind of sweet moment - one where I was able to let her know she was not alone, she had her family with her... that was nice.  So we will see what today brings - its a Monday and the beginning of a brand new week...

This is 'before' and was taken in 2003
This was in April 2010 - one year post-op

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The cyber vortex

No I didn't just realize it - but I'm going to try to resist it (except for right now - LOL) and that is the 'fun stuff' on the computer.  FaceBook, Forums, Games - yep the stuff I sit and mindlessly do ... or at least I can do... then I look up at the time and go 'where has the time gone!!'  Then nothing that I had planned to do got done,  because I got sucked into the cyber vortex.  Now I have been using the excuse that 'its for business' that I'm on the computer so much - and that is partially right - I do get the word out that I'm here, I research for other groups in my area, I try to let folks know what I'm doing - (I see all the other adds and get depressed - LOL) - so yeah, it is partially for business.  However - if I spend SO much time on the 'fun stuff' and don't get other things done - like grocery shopping, yard work, laundry - its almost like being an alcoholic... would that be known as a cyberholic??  Anyway - today I'm telling myself I am staying away from the computer (except for this one blog post and one (and only one) status post) and getting some other things done that need to get done. Wish me luck :)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Staying motivated

That's a hard one - especially when life is in a downward swing.  I don't have any specific 'tricks' or 'tips' to pass on - just what I do - I fake it until I make it - yep - sometimes just as simple as that.  I might not 'want' to do anything at all - but I make myself get up and do.  Just getting up and doing will get me moving - maybe not in a Woo Hoo type of way - but at least I'm not sitting on the couch shoving food in my face - which is what I use to do BS (Before Surgery).  I still find that is where I gravitate to and have to force myself not to sit there and stare and shovel... not easy!!  So what I'm heading to do now - dragging my hubby along with me - is cleaning the air filters on the FACUs and the septic filter :) fun stuff, but its got to get done - and I can't sit on the couch to do them - LOL!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Glad I did it...

Well I'm glad I went.  Yes I went to the support group - Gary made me (ya' I'll blame it on him - love ya' Honey!) - but it was a good choice.  Not only did I get some face to face support (which is different than electronic support - which is what I usually get - and is good in its own way) but I have a new direction to look for customers and one of the ladies there said she was going to 'check out' my website.  I try not to get too excited about that - others have been ALL EXCITED and said YES YOU SHOULD GET THAT, I'LL ORDER IT FROM YOU... well I got it - its still in the store... I risked it though, because another actually followed through with the request... sigh... live and learn :) Another thing I learned - I need to remember what my prices are - LOL - you know how bad it looks that the OWNER of the store when asked can't tell you how much one bag of chips are or a tube of protein?  LOL - I felt like such a dweeb <laughing at self>

Oh and sleep is a miracle medication!! And a husband that says - go back to bed, I got this - is an ANGEL!! Its amazing how much sleep really seems to affect my outlook on life itself.  Not that any circumstances have changed - they haven't - but they don't feel as dire as when I don't have sleep.  That feels nice!!

I'm at the lowest weight I can remember - I'm sure I was around here in Jr. High - but I have no clue what number that is.  The Doc's goal for me was 180 - I was thinking 170 - I am now 162 - I still feel good, I feel healthy - so I'm not THAT concerned about being at this 'number' - I just don't want to get obsessed with getting lower and lower... I don't know how low is TOO low... I have such a hard time realizing what my REAL size is.  Body dismorphia I think its called... yeah I think I have some of that.  From what I've read though, its pretty common among everyone.  If you are fat, you don't realize just HOW fat you are, and if you are thin, you don't realize just HOW thin you are.  I still get amazed when I'm folding clothes and pick up my pants to put them away - "can I really FIT into these??" It still blows my mind!! 

Well enough for now - since Gary let me sleep in my usual morning routine is all catywompus and it's 11am now - got to leave for work at 2pm and all I've done so far is have my morning protein (2 scoops in some coffee) and jot down stuff in this new 'blog'. **cool thing about the BLOG - I even have 'followers' now!!  And folks have 'commented' - that means people have actually READ this :)** I'll be back later...