Thursday, November 18, 2010

The gift of time...

Gary and I were just told what we are getting for Christmas from the Eastern Johnsons... a gift of time!!  Some prepaid days for Momma to stay at the 'Hotel'.  WOW - I am so SO grateful!!  You never really know just what you are carrying until that load is lifted from you.  I want to thank the them but also thank God for the timing of the gift!  He knew that the load Gary and I have been carrying has been (and is) SO heavy and stressful right now.  The time and relief that this will provide us is priceless.  My daughter and husband cover for part of a day once a month - and that has helped for sure.  We so look forward to those days let me tell you!!  Even if all we do is sit next to each other in a vehicle - as long as we are away from Momma (and I feel guilty saying that) it is a relief. 

That brings up a point - the guilt of 'caregiving'.  I'm going to 'bare my soul' here a bit - <gulp> - but there are times when I look forward to the time when we will not have to care for Momma.  (and I'm not talking about for just the weekend) The only thing is for that to happen - she will be dead. THERE is where the guilt comes in.  How can I look forward to that time AT ALL - how could I even consider it??  Then I think about how she is at this point in time - in a way she already is.  The person I knew as Momma - that loved to sew - and travel in her truck - and laugh and cook... is no more.  I watched her the other day as she sat at the sewing machine - she didn't even know what it was.  She talks/argues with her reflection in mirrors not recognizing that it isn't another person.  She gets lost in the house now and doesn't know how to find her room without someone leading her there.  That isn't the Momma I remember - she has no memories of how she made my wedding dress or teaching me how to make salmon patties and curried rice.  She can't enjoy a jigsaw puzzle or a good card game of pinochle.   She wanders the house wanting to 'go home' - asking where her Momma is or her brother.  Nightly (and sometimes several times during the night) she wakes up after soaking her bed and the PJs she is wearing.  Then I consider - she might not know who we are, but we know who she is... THAT is why we do it.  THAT is why we will keep caring for her for as long as we can.  Nothing against long term facilities - there really are some good ones out there - but...

So now that I got THAT off my chest - LOL - I will say bye for now. 

1 comment:

  1. Paula -- so happy for your wonderful "gift"!!! What you say in your blog above is sweet -- God will bless and reward you and Gary ten fold for doing what you are doing now.