Walls

This has been such an emotional time (for the whole family, not just me) and for the most part my 'walls' have been intact.  Its a defense mechanism that I inherited from my childhood - I can place walls around things in my mind. (not always a good thing) Such as emotions and fears.  It helps me remain distanced from the situation and 'functional'.  Last night one of my walls crumbled - I was at the new home we were vetting for Momma and I was discribing one of the times Momma became 'agitated' - it was my fault because I was impatient with her - anyway - I almost lost it while I was talking about it.  You know when the wall crumbles it is really hard to build it back up again.  Another chink came out of the wall came today - we took Momma to the home we are hoping she is going to - and to watch her there with the other LOL (Little Ol' Ladies) and interact and feel comfortable enough to doze in her chair - it did a heart good!! At the same time though - there is a feeling that we are abandoning her... In my head I know we aren't - in my heart though I hear the echo of the promises made that "we will always take care of you - you will always be 'HOME'".  Sigh - I have to keep in my mind the picture she made talking and interacting with the other ladies and remember that she didn't have that at 'HOME'.  I have to remember she is in a place that will take good care of her and that there are two people that will be making sure of that since we won't be close by!! 

I'm afraid I haven't done as much with the business during all of this.  For that I appoligize.  I know folks understand, but I still feel bad.  Once things 'settle' a bit, we will get into a new routine.  So hang on - we aren't going anywhere (well the business isn't that is - LOL)