Wednesday, January 12, 2011

17 days and a wake up...

Had a great talk w/Lynn today... she mentioned that it seemed like I had 'checked out' of being here in Sac... You know what - she's right.  I have 'checked out'.  It's a self preservation mode I think.  If I really sat down and thought about all that I'm 'giving up' and 'throwing away'... yeah - that's a hard place to go. How can you pick and choose just what you want to keep and toss - especially if there isn't room for it any more.  This is a gigantic leap of faith - and if 'I' thought about it - I would pick it to death.  I already have tendancies to doubt myself and my abilities.  Those doubts spark fears.  I'm pushing along anyway though, because this is the course I/we choose.  Forward is the only direction I can go... and that means, 'thinning' our posessions and ties to Sacramento.  There are a few ties that I refuse to give up though - and that is to my daughter, her husband and my grandchild.  We might be moving out - but they are NOT getting rid of us THAT easily :)

Not sure what we will do or live in the future.  Will we will come back here and invade their space, or get a space of our own; I'm not planning that far in advance right now.  I'm flying by the seat of my pants and having God as my traffic controller!!  Its hard giving up that control... and those that know me, know I need that feeling of control.  The feeling of no control - really scary. 

Its strange - all this self reflection and typing it out - I don't think I would have even realised what I was feeling without doing this.  AAHHHH therapy!!  LOL!  I guess I will have a chance to do a lot of that when we get on the road... not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing :'/

Well I guess I better get to work (since I'm here at work) - I also need to treasure the time I'm here with the little one I watch - not much longer with him either :(

No comments:

Post a Comment