Day one done...

First day of 'school' is done and over with... LOTS of paperwork and studying.  SO glad Gary copied some of his study stuff, so I could study BEFORE I got down here... if I was going into this cold there would have been a bunch more wrong answers - LOL!  So out of 85 questions I missed 4 (ish) - LOL - the ish is that one of the questions had 2 right answers, but only one of them will be on the DMV test.  So with the missed 4 I got a 94% - I'll take it :)  Speaking of cold though - the room finally got to a comfortable 71 degrees - and the 'instructor' turned it down to 69!! All that cold air went to the floor and my feet FROZE!!  At the motel - they have the hot water in the shower set so it will only get 'warm' - (to decrease the time folks are in the shower probably) - so my loving husband took the ice bucket and filled HOT water from the sink and poured it in to the tub for me - so I could warm my feet - and you guys wondered why I love him - LOL!  Oh - and his trainer has his truck in the shop, so I get him for another day!!  Woo Hoo!! It is an unexpected blessing <3  Tomorrow is more studying and practice testing - to be ready for Wednesday when we go to the DMV to take the test for our permits... Not sure what we will do on Thursday - but Friday its out to the range to actually touch a real truck - LOL - did I say that with enough aw??  Well tonight I'm going to go to the DMV website and take a couple sample tests for my C and M1 - I don't want to loose my M1 !!

Ahhhh..

I know - it sounds corney - but 'he completes me' is the best I can discribe my feeling right now. We are in the motel room, both on the little ity bity table - playing on our respective computers - eating rolled up pastrami and swiss cheese - a mess spread out on the bed of stuff to take and save for 'our' truck - and I feel 'at home'.  I know tomorrow will start my educational process and I'm looking forward to it. Gary will be going back with his trainer and finish up his training (he has about a week left).  Do I miss Sac and the folks there - yes I do - but I know this is a natural progression... moving on to something else. 

In this 'new adventure' we did some walking this  morning.  Went into this 'mexican' store - regular grocery store, but almost everything also had spanish translations, spanish music, and spanish foods... found this powdered sugar free (aspartame free) drink mix that wasn't what is normally carried in the stores I would normally frequent. (Raley's Safeway etc) its called Klass and it tastes really good!!  Not the normal lemonade, ice tea stuff either.  We got the Pina (pineapple) and the Melon (cantelope) - such a nice change!!  Just the start of the 'new' things I'm looking forward to finding.  Well new for me that is - LOL!

Today is the day...

Today is the day that I leave everthing that I know and step into the unknown... well except for Gary - I know him - LOL!  He is at the motel already and will be there all weekend... so I'll get to see him before I start my side of this journey. 

I have such a hodge/podge mix of feelings going around and around inside me. Didn't really do much sleeping last night - my mind was WAY to busy.  Guilty for leaving, and leaving what I feel are our responsibilities (Momma) - but I know we covered that/her as much as possible.  Sad for leaving the comfortable routine, the people and the lifestyle I know.  Scared of the unknown and possibilites of failure.  Nervous about the process.  Grateful for friends and family for being there and stepping in when needed/asked!! Excited (yes that is in there too) about new beginnings and adventures.  There is even a bit of guilt for feeling so excited about leaving...

As I type this I am 2 hours away from leaving the house and 4 hours away from leaving Sacramento.  Wish me luck :D

Bags are packed...

Whew - I think I got it all... at least I hope so.  Two bags packed, and I know I will only be able to take one on the truck w/me when I train.  The other one will be 'stored' at the terminal for when Gary gets 'our' truck.  So that is the way I separated my stuff (for the most part).  I had to get things ready today, even though I don't leave until Saturday - because since I took yesterday off to get my new looks (tooth pulled) I'm going to make up hours tomorrow.  Which means no time to pack.  I wish I didn't have to do that though... I'm realizing just how little time I have left to be with my daughter and her husband.  I know - there is Skype and FB and the cell phone - but you all know it's not the same.  I used that argument when Gary left - it helps, but its not the same... so even with the excitement of starting something new, there is the sadness of missing my kid.  I know in my head that she is all grown up, and it is normal and natural for there to be that separation; even healthier for both of us to have this separation.  So that I don't try to 'solve' everything and get in the way of her 'solving' things.  So not only is this a wonderful opportunity for Gary and I to do something we have dreamed and talked about... its also good for Lynn and I. 

Its also hard for me to be leaving the 'other' family... the little one I watch and his family.  I have been with them for almost 12 years now.  I have seen them all grow up.  I wonder if he will miss me - in a way I hope not too much, but just a little :) I know I will miss them...

So tomorrow - I'm going to take my daughter and SIL out for breakfast.  A nice one - with all the trimmings... then head to work.  Get off at 11 pm and be at the airport on Saturday morning just after 9 am... plane takes off just after 11 and I will be in Fontana a little after 12.  Not sure what time or even IF I will see Gary.  Depends on if they get a load or not...

I'm planning on continuing this BLOG, but you might get several days worth at a time w/longer gaps between.  I have no idea about the internet connections available.  So we will see :)

Speed Bumps...

I really don't like speed bumps!!  My type of speed bumps are unexpected things that catch you when you are in the process of doing something life changing.  Such as when I had a 'thing' on my lung, before I had surgery.  Thankfully just some good antibiotics made THAT go away.  This time I had a 'bump' on my gum and a swollen lymph node.  Not really PAIN, but pressure and uncomfortable.  Now knowing that I would not be near any medical facilities for a good long while, unless it was an emergency - I had to get it looked at right away.  Me thinking "I get a shot in the butt of some antibiotic, and some pills - I'll be fine" - yep, God was laughing at my 'plan' again!!  Yes I had an infection - but it was bad enough (I evidentally had if for a while) that I have lost some bone - and they had two ways of treating it.  To save the tooth (what there was left of it) they could have come in (through bone) from the root side and cleared the infection away that way, or by not saving the tooth and getting it out of the way to get to the infection.  Well I chose to have the tooth pulled... sigh... and with me leaving on Saturday, there isn't time for me to get a 'new' one in there (plastic bridge type of thing).  So now I have a missing tooth, right in front!! Sigh... thank goodness my husband already loves me - and not just for my looks - LOL!  Maybe it was God testing my resolve - what are you willing to give up to do this?? ... house/check - job/check - being there during your daughters pregnancy/check - front tooth/check... I wonder if there will be any other speed bumps before I leave??

Looking forward, not back...

I really need to remind myself to do this!!  I have spiralled myself into a dark hole.  I have been looking back, and the light is at the end of the tunnel, not behind me.  I have been saying goodbye to friends and family - which is good - although I have to remember it isn't 'goodbye' (I'll never see you again) goodbye... its 'goodbye' (I won't see you for a while) goodbye.  I've been looking at the house and the life I was expecting to have - and mourning the loss of THOSE expectations.  I need to focus on new expectations, and the new challenges, adventures and memories I will be blessed with.  Its not just me that this is hard on though - and I DO understand that.  I have tried to make it easier (not sure how I'm doing with that) and I hope I have. 

So to look forward:
I am hoping to see Gary this weekend.  His trainer is taking his home time and since he lives in/near Fontana he will be dropping Gary off at the terminal - So one bright light is that I will get to see Gary!!  Another bright light is the adventure we will be doing together.  The memories we will be making and sharing - the good and the bad... but even the bad, when shared, aren't THAT bad. Looking forward to my daughter and her husband making a home for themselves - and our grandbaby. Seeing what 'their' plans are for the house and property :) Another light is that I will FINALLY be able to see the US.  I have wanted to see more of the country for YEARS, now I can.  Most of it will be from the interstate, but there will be times when we will be able to 'explore' :)  I'm looking forward to trying my hand at taking pictures... not sure how good they will be, but I will have fun trying - LOL!

See - now that I'm concentrating on the forward, and the good parts of the forward journey, I feel better :)

this is a test sent from my phone...

4 days and a wake up...

This week is looking busy!! Busy right now is good though - hopefully it will make the time go faster and make it so I don't 'think' too much.  Did that the other day and started to get a bit melancholy.  Looking at the back yard and thinking about all the stuff I had planned for it.  Now its someone elses to plan.  Same with the inside - now I need to make other 'plans'... its still hard to leave those other dreams behind - so I try not to do too much thinking about that any more.

So tomorrow, I have lunch with #1 sister - last visit to my volunteer job and dropping everything off - my last local delivery for PJ's Bariatrics (at least for now) - then off to work... Wednesday lunch with #2 sister and work - Thursday and Friday double/triple check that I have everything I will need - see if it all fits in the bag I got - see if I'm even able to pick it up and carry it (you think I'm joking?  it's a 50" x 30" duffle) - then work. Then Saturday I'm off... Off my rocker or into the wild blue yonder or both - LOL!  Some of the stuff I'm packing though will be handed off to Gary - such as his 'trucker's' thermos - it actually has the stainless steel insides!  Also some protein for him... Yep I'm bringing my protein powder (less weight than the RTD) and 2 shaker bottles.  Also packing my vitamins!  With all the other chaos I'm going to have to deal with, keeping up on my supplements will be a priority.  I DON'T want to get sick out there!! 

Well off to read the TTR forum - and do some more sample CDL tests (I've been getting 80% so far - aiming for 100% - so on the REAL thing I will pass)... my focus has been changing on to my 'new future' - which is a good thing, but I still (at times) miss my 'old future'. 

Sisters...

I have such beautiful sisters!!  It was SO good seeing them today - it has been a while.  Not as long as it use to be - but long enough.  What I mean by that is - as with any family (or at least with ours) each kid is at a different level in their life.  One in elementry school another in High School or College... the social circles just don't intermesh unless brought together by the parents.  'Family' events - dinners/picnics/outings.  There wasn't a bunch of that in our family - so as we grew up - we tended to grow into our husbands families.  That was fine, its what we needed.  Then my Dad had a stroke.  People would think that was a bad thing - and yes - it was.  However something REALLY good came from it.  It brought us (the Miller girls) back into each other's lives. His stroke made us pull together; have contact w/each other.  Even after his passing (miss you Dad) we made an agreement, that we would continue to have 'sister times'.  At first it was once a month - but life intrudes at times, but all in all, we do pretty good.  Now I'm heading off OTR, so we were able to do one more sister time before I leave.  It was a nice long one :) The love and support of these sister times are awesome... I will miss them.  (my sisters and sister time)

Gary gave me some news that I think is great - he wants to start going back to church.  This is a good thing.  Its funny - each of us sisters have a different approach to 'religion' and our faith.  I'm a quiet one about it - LOL - but it is there.  Gary and I have different views about churches - he was raised in a 'Church of Christ' - I went to several different churches growing up.  So I'm comfortable w/instrument music during a service, or multiple cups for communion... those things he's not so comfortable with.  That's fine by me.  I'm happy I found a news letter and web site for the same church he grew up with.  There are locations in several different states, and that's a good thing since we will be in different states - LOL! 

Another good thing - Gary's trainer is going to try taking his 'home time' (he lives in Fontana, where I'm going to school) at the same time I head down there.  So there will be a day, day and a half that I will be able to spend w/Gary before I head to school and he goes back on the road.  Really looking forward to that.  Truth be told - I'm looking forward this whole adventure!!  I will miss my daughter, her husband, our house, the little one I watch, ALL of our friends in Sacramento - the daily routines we had; but I'm looking forward to the change.  Something new - new challenges - new adventures - and doing these NEW things with my BEST friend!!

Melt Down Survival Guide

Oh this post (from Bariatric Foodie - Pouch Party) came at such a good time - yesterday I had one of those 'melt downs'.  Not that I had a bunch of carby stuff - I would have if I could have, but I didn't have access to any (thank God)... but head hunger - boy howdy!!  So just incase you don't want to follow the link - I'm going to cut and paste... plus they have some pretty good recipes too :D

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The BF Survival Guide to Making it through a Meltdown

~by Nik

(This survival guide can be downloaded as a pdf file by clicking here.)

Jen and I are no “Dr. Phil’s” (thank goodness!). We’re not Bob & Jillian. Hell, we’re not even Clinton & Stacey. BUT, we’ve been in this thing for a few years and have, collectively, had MORE than our fair share of melt-downs.

Whether you call it “falling off the wagon,” bingeing or, our reigning favorite, “carbapalooza,” meltdowns have the opportunity to be one of two things in your weight loss journey—a great learning experience or a total disaster.

We prefer the former, which is why we are sharing this survival guide to get you through the moments and hours after you have a meltdown.

First, what do we define as a meltdown? Well, from our experience it is when we begin, for whatever reason, to eat things we damn well know we should not eat in quantities we damn well know we should not eat them. Newbies, this is not meant to scare you but there will be a time when you can eat way too much of the wrong things. And we hear people talk a lot about what to do in the aftermath of a meltdown. But how do you survive right then and right there when it’s happening? Here’s our advice:

Step One: Speak Up!

Ok, so you’ve lost control. You know this because if you hadn’t lost control…those last two fun-sized Snickers would have been a lot more…fun. What do you do? Out loud in a clear and demanding voice say, “Stop! Now!” This may sound silly but it accomplishes a couple of things. First, there’s a lot of stuff going on in your brain in this moment. There’s whatever is going on with you that you’re trying to soothe with food. Maybe there’s some guilt, maybe some shame. Definitely very negative feelings. Your brain doesn’t really have the ability to be commanding right now. But if you can just think those two words and say them out loud, it will shock your system into taking pause.

And that’s what you need—a pause. A moment to just stop. Once you’ve done that IMMEDIATELY move to step two.

Step Two: Get the HELL outta dodge!

Get out of the kitchen. Hell, get out of the house if you need to. I find in these moments taking a walk can be a life saver. If you have a friend who knows of your journey and your issues, call them and see if they mind an impromptu visit. Do let them know you’re having a meltdown (if you trust them enough to do so), so that they don’t offer you anything else to eat (as people often do when you are a guest in their home).

Whatever you do, make sure you’re gone for about an hour. Why? Well, from our experience it takes a little while for all the biochemical e-mails to arrive in the proper inboxes, so to speak. But when they do, your body begins to feel the effects of what you did. In general, eating crap food does not make the body feel good. So you’re probably going to feel a little gross. Maybe even repulsed by food. You might even find that you really don’t have an appetite at all. This always begs the question, “why did I eat so much then?” Well, when you’re in the moment you have this amazing ability to override physical cues. Getting away from food, letting your body adjust and feel the effects is important in getting you to stop.

Step Three: Once you’re home…get thee to a food journal, stat!

It doesn’t matter if you keep a hard copy journal or an online one. If you don’t keep a journal, now might be a good time to start. The point here is that you need to take responsibility for what you did fairly soon after you did it. Seeing it on paper or on a screen makes it all very real. This is NOT for the purposes of beating yourself up. Yes, you feel like crap. You feel like you’ve failed. But here’s the thing: if our brains were the best decision makers in this situation, we wouldn’t be here. Hard, objective data helps.

Most times we don’t know how much we ate when we go off the rails. For the purposes of this exercise, assume you ate a portion of everything you list (I’ll tell you why in a minute). If it seemed to you that you ate more than a portion, round up to two portions. Don’t dwell as you add things and don’t lie—you’d only be cheating yourself.

Step Four: Deal with the rest of your day

The food journal thing has a practical application too. You still have the rest of the day to get through and I can tell you this: if you went on a carb binge, you will probably get hungry again before the day is through. That’s why early day meltdowns are brutal.

But now you have some information on your side. If you count calories, you have an idea of how much you’ve taken in so far (and since you’ve rounded up to the nearest number of portions, your estimate is probably quite liberal, meaning when you plan your food, based on those numbers, you’ll probably end up in a halfway decent spot at the end of the day). And you know how much of the day you have to get through.

There is one other tool in your toolbox: exercise! You can offset some of those calories by being active. So make a plan. What can you eat the rest of the day? I remember one meltdown had me so high in calories that I was relegated to water based protein shakes and veggies for the rest of the day. Not a great look for your girl, Nik. And what activity can you fit in to offset some of those calories?

I have this game I like to play. I like to pick the worst, most egregious food choice I made that day, look at the calories and THAT is how much I aim to burn in my workout. That works well if your choice was 400 calories or less. Any more than that and I would advise, going to the next worst choice.

Also, while planning, make sure you are factoring in water intake. If you ate high sodium foods and refined carbs your body will need water. And drinking lots of water occupies your pouch so that you don’t eat as much the rest of the day.

Step Five: Be careful how you relate to the scale the next few days

For some of us, stepping on the scale after a meltdown is a precarious thing. For some, weighing is a necessary thing (much like doing the food journal) to accepting responsibility for the meltdown. To others, it can be a toxic thing, fueling negative emotions that will drive you straight into your next meltdown.

And here’s the really tricky part: you may not get negative reinforcement. I can’t tell you how many people have told me they actually LOSE weight after a meltdown. Well, you shocked your body with more calories and that may have affected your metabolism a bit. This does NOT mean you should meltdown every week to avoid stalling. It means that thankfully your behavior did not impede your weight loss THIS TIME.

So if you feel you can handle weighing and can accept whatever consequence comes your way, go for it. If not, stay off the scale for a few days and focus on getting back on track, not just physically but mentally. If you keep a journal, make some time to write in it. If you have support group coming up, attend. Whatever way you best express your emotions, do that so that you can figure out what hunger you were really trying to feed.

WHAT NOT TO DO:

We may get some flack for this but we feel we have to speak up about one thing. The “Five Day Pouch Test” (Google it if you don’t know what it is. We won’t waste energy linking to it…ever). We’ve heard from a lot of people that they do this crash diet after they meltdown to “refocus” and “get back on track.”

Here’s the deal: crash diets didn’t work before. They don’t work now. Why? A few reasons from our perspective.

First, with the “test” (and it isn’t a test), you are dealing with what you’re putting in your mouth. Your meltdown wasn’t about what you put in your mouth so much as what was going on in your head. Many people skip that part. It’s one thing if you want to adhere to a stricter eating plan while doing the mental work, but the “test,” like your pouch, should not be expected to do all the work.

Second, you are only a new-post op once (and newbies have NO business doing the “test”). Your pouch matures. It’s supposed to. That’s why “protein first” is THE most valuable rule you can follow for the rest of your life. I can only eat about 3-4 oz. of chicken breast before feeling stuffed. I still haven’t figured out how many tortilla chips I can eat because I have not yet reached my upper limits (mainly because halfway through I began to follow the steps outlined above).

You can’t trick your pouch into becoming a new pouch again. You have the pouch that you have and if you want to be successful for LIFE you have to keep coming back to the healthy behaviors and habits that make you successful—lean proteins, complex carbohydrates, good fat, plenty of water and vitamins! That really is the only way.

And yes…you may lose a few pounds as a result of the “test.” I am no doctor but I theorize it’s probably water weight. Think of it. Most do the “test” after having a meltdown of some degree. Well, you likely have eaten more sodium than you should and are retaining a bit of water. Then you drop your calories down way low and the first thing your body will ditch is excess water.

Sorry to sound preachy, but we aren’t a fan of the “test” and we don’t, nor will we ever, publish recipes that intentionally fit into the test parameters. This is a lifestyle change, folks, not a diet. Like our friends at Weight Watchers say, “Diets don’t work. So stop dieting, and start living!”

Remember, you can take this guide with you by clicking here to download it as a pdf. And if you have any questions, please hit us up on e-mail, Facebook or Twitter. We're always here to help!

 

 

 

I sure wish I could 'blog' this well - but instead I read other's - LOL!

Head work...

I still have some 'head work' I need to do I think... tonight I am just wanting to eat!! Thank goodness I don't have access to a kitchen at work - I can only eat what I bring.  I seriously have some head hunger going on... why, I'm not sure - maybe stress (LOL - what stress - HA - I laugh in the face of stress!!  Bwahahaha!!) - maybe boredom - yeah I love the little one I watch, but it can get a bit boring - maybe an old habit (that isn't really THAT old)... I am just struggling with it a bit more tonight than usual.  And I'm craving foods I KNOW I shouldn't have!!  Sweet/Salty/Crunchy - Grrr... so instead I'm here - whining about it - and drinking a RTD chocolate protein... sigh - at least I'm getting some sweet...

How am I going to deal in a truck??  Talk about boredom - and the habit of munching while driving - I wonder how Gary is doing with it - or will I be SO tired after driving that all I will want to do is sleep?  That is a concern I have - maintaining a 'healthy' life style.  Ah well - I guess I should at least get out there first before I start stressing about it - LOL!  Just thinking about what I still need to do - and what I'm going to do - is stressful enough :)

Man this chocolate is hitting the spot - I needed that!!

11 days and a wake up...

Trying to get the little details tied up - and still have some bigger ones to do.  Worked on getting our fax number working (one that someone faxes to and it automatically sends a PDF file of it to your e-mail) I think we got that running (crossing fingers).  Trying to figure out where the insurance paperwork that Gary sent has ended up - there is a time limit on getting THAT turned back in. Had to send in a claim for my phone - puppy thought it was a chew toy... not too much outside damage, but the battery won't keep a charge now and 'card' isn't registering... so turned it in on insurance and should get my 'replacement' tomorrow.  NEED a phone for OTR!! Just to text Hubby if nothing else - LOL!  Went to the bank and got all the signature stuff for my volunteer job - now to write up instructions on how to take care of them (since I won't be there).  I would like to do a thourough vacuum of the room today... cat litter is scattered and the little 'sweeper' just isn't cutting it... also get to my old desk and finish cleaning that off... so anyway - you get the picture - little stuff that takes time... plus I only have 70 minutes to do it in before I head to work - LOL!  And what am I doing instead - BLOGGING <grin> Oh and making sure I took pictures of Lynn and Morgan's first gift for the baby (Firefly)... Grandpa was tickled pink that at the 'company store' there was a onesie... and it says 'Precious Cargo' with the Central logo on it... so needless to say, he just 'had to get it' <big grin> I'm glad he did!!

12 days and a wake up

I'm starting to wonder about the bag I got - it is WAY big!!  50" long... how am I going to cart this thing around??  No problem having it in the bunk with me (NSV there!!) - but carrying it from car to checking - baggage claim to hotel - hotel to trainers truck - yikes!!  I'm thinking of rigging up some type of shoulder strap - but not sure how - mmmm love me some challenges - LOL!

The trucker's forum I'm reading has me a bit concerned.  There is a 'horror' story on there about someone and their trainer.  I will be with a trainer for 5 weeks.  The short story is the trainer had some home time - and basically left the trainee in the truck.  Without food, water, facilities - and not 'inviting' him in - but hey he did bring him out a hot dog - grrr!  I know I have a big enough back bone to say 'this is unacceptable' but to even have the possibility of being put in that position!!  I am definately going to make sure I have enough in the bank account for an escape fund.  Thankfully the company HE is driving for, isn't the one I am - but I'm sure there are trainers like this at all companies.  The trainer that Gary has seems to be 'ok' - but I don't think he knows how to talk in a 'normal' tone of voice - he YELLS!!  If what I hear in the background when I do get to talk to Gary - he also listens to his tv/radio the same what - LOUD!!  I am not looking forward to living with someone I don't know for 5 weeks - but I will get by... it will be worth it in the end.

The kids are almost done at the apt (just the kitchen left from what I hear) - and we will start concentrating on the house some more.  I also have a few 'volunteer' things I need to finish up.  I can't wait until its all done and I'm on my way.  Not that I'm looking forward to leaving everything behind, but I want to get on with my plans!  The days are going slow and fast at the same time - just like when we were doing the count down to surgery - LOL!  Both are life changing events.

Well I guess I should stop stalling - and pull out my volunteer computer and get some of THAT done.  This is one thing I will be glad to leave behind - it was good experience, but I'm burnt out!! When you get burnt out you stop caring - and they need someone in this postion that cares.

God is good!!

Man does he know JUST what you need... either a 2x4 across the head or being able to see the face of a loved one.  We've had enough of the 2x4 treatment - so now he is giving us the face of a loved one.  Gary has been out on the road, or at least not here for 2 weeks... for me that almost seems a life time (yeah that's an exageration, but still)!! So they (Gary and his trainer Mike) got a load from SLC to Sparks, NV.  I was all ready to make the drive up there (3 hours) just to see his smiling face - but instead they got a load from there to Stockton, CA.  Which means he can just swing by <happy dancing>... thankfully his trainer is a good one (at least a nice one) and they are going to be able to stop, have dinner, do some laundry - AHHHH - I am one happy girl tonight!  I know that it will still be a long time until I see him again after this, but with Skype and text messages - at least I've been able to sort of know what is happening in his life, and him in mine.  That has really helped compared to 20+ years ago.  When I got a phone call MAYBE every 2-3 days. 

The packing/cleaning out is getting less painful.  Just another step in our lives.  I just hope that when Gary and I do finally get off the road - that I didn't 'clean' too much out.  Its hard because I don't know everything that Gary wanted to keep, but there is so much 'stuff' from his childhood and papers from his parents and brothers.  Both brothers have been here - and neither expressed any interest in the 'stuff' - or they took what they had interest in.  So Lynn/Morgan and I have been doing the best we can.  The other day I was going through my books... now keep in mind I have about 800+ paperbacks.  I have read every single one of them, and some more than once.  They were like my special things... I really don't have many things that are just mine - but those were.  So I had to 'thin' them.  Thank goodness Lynn is ok with keeping some in the book case, but then some of them, she wants to read too :) So all in all I think we are doing OK with all the 'stuff' - both his and mine. 

The kids gave me an e-book type thing for Christmas - that way I can get books on the road, and have room for them - now to just figure out how to get books on it - and have time to read them - LOL!  I have a book that I read before.  Took me MAYBE a week before - now its been over 3 weeks!!  Yeah I've been busy doing other things - ya' think??

I finally got through the study guide Gary copied for me. Now to 'review' it and start on the PTI - (pre trip inspection) - that is one of the things they test on - that and the break check - two BIGGIES.  Oh and lets not forget in all this testing - I will need to take the regular class C and my M again - LOL!

Well they will be here in about 2 and a half hours out (if nothing delays them) - I still work night shift tonight, but that will still give me a couple hours with him.  I am so looking forward to that first hug...... <daydreaming now> .....

Stalling/Procrastinating

That's what you do when you really don't want to do something... so that's what I'm doing - LOL! What I should do is just jump in and do it and get it over with.  Its hard and painful though... sigh... I want to whine!!  Maybe I did have a bit of an attitude this morning (sorry Lynn) but I have a right to my 'anger' and 'frustration'...

OK - back to it...

17 days and a wake up...

Had a great talk w/Lynn today... she mentioned that it seemed like I had 'checked out' of being here in Sac... You know what - she's right.  I have 'checked out'.  It's a self preservation mode I think.  If I really sat down and thought about all that I'm 'giving up' and 'throwing away'... yeah - that's a hard place to go. How can you pick and choose just what you want to keep and toss - especially if there isn't room for it any more.  This is a gigantic leap of faith - and if 'I' thought about it - I would pick it to death.  I already have tendancies to doubt myself and my abilities.  Those doubts spark fears.  I'm pushing along anyway though, because this is the course I/we choose.  Forward is the only direction I can go... and that means, 'thinning' our posessions and ties to Sacramento.  There are a few ties that I refuse to give up though - and that is to my daughter, her husband and my grandchild.  We might be moving out - but they are NOT getting rid of us THAT easily :)

Not sure what we will do or live in the future.  Will we will come back here and invade their space, or get a space of our own; I'm not planning that far in advance right now.  I'm flying by the seat of my pants and having God as my traffic controller!!  Its hard giving up that control... and those that know me, know I need that feeling of control.  The feeling of no control - really scary. 

Its strange - all this self reflection and typing it out - I don't think I would have even realised what I was feeling without doing this.  AAHHHH therapy!!  LOL!  I guess I will have a chance to do a lot of that when we get on the road... not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing :'/

Well I guess I better get to work (since I'm here at work) - I also need to treasure the time I'm here with the little one I watch - not much longer with him either :(

19 days and a wake up...

Feeling better today - yesterday was a drab and dreary day - without much done... today got stuff done towards my goal.  That in itself is a good feeling. 

Spoke w/one of my sisters today - great conversation - going to try to get us together BEFORE I head out of town.  Hopefully all three of us at one time, but if not, then at least with both of them one at a time - LOL!

We also got some more big furniture moved out of the apt.  It wasn't raining today, so we took advantage of it.  So even though I didn't get to the gym (before work - might go after work - depending on what hours the gym is open) I did get a good workout!! Let me just say Stairs + entertainment center = workout!! I also ran over to the Army Surplus Store to pick up a duffle bag - they have side zip ones - the big ones will be in on Friday - so I'll go back.  Much nicer than a top loader - which Gary got.  Now if I'll be able to fit everything in - LOL!

I've also gotten quite a bit of studying done - almost the whole 'workbook'... and a good print out of a PTI that I'm going to study.  Yeah I know they will go over it SO many times at school - I'll get it - I just want to not look TO new when I GET to school.  Plus that way - when they show me what I'm suppose to be checking - I'll know what I'm suppose to check - if that makes sense - LOL!

Lynn picked up a precious puppy today... she has always wanted a great dane - but living in the apt - that needless to say was a no go - also before living w/us - we didn't want to 'deal' with a big dog.  She is a love though - we have a feeling though that she was penned up outside for most of her short life (she's maybe 5 months old and a good 40#s), so very submissive to people right now - but she perked up and actually played with the boys before I had to leave for work.  She is all legs and is puppy clumsy - such fun to watch.  Her name is Ezra.  The only concerns (and I already voiced this to Lynn) is the cost of having such a large animal.  Plus already having some expenses that need to get done - such as some work on her car - OH and a baby on the way - LOL!  She is a grown up though - this is all part of the 'my letting go' and 'letting her'.  I am proud of her - and she made a decision that was right to her.  THAT is a good thing. 

Well I am at work - and need to chart - also want to review the PTI and other material I will need to know for my new career - sigh - did I already tell you it was 19 days and a wake up - but who's counting??  LOL!

Home sick...

That's what I'm feeling right now... weird I know - I'm sitting in the house I'm living in, but it just doesn't seem like home any more.  My home is where my husband is, and he isn't here.  PLUS its his birthday today - and I can't even give him a hub... <sniffle, sniffle> Yeah I'm whining - I just feel like whining today.  I'm missing how things 'use' to be - I need to start looking towards how things are GOING to be.  I am looking forward to that - its just taking so long!!  I still have stuff I need to get around - but I think things here are pretty much set.  Its just getting the kids all the way moved in - and I don't need to be here for that - but I am going to help - I said I would... I just want to get on with the next phase of my life.  Gary is already out there doing it - I want to join him!!  I had a couple folks over for my volunteer stuff - and I will be so glad to hand that over.  I'm just burnt out with it.  I know I'm passing it on, and I just don't want to do anymore with it - but I have to... sigh... so that is my goal for next week.  Get THAT done - and I can say I'm over it!! Then I can start my packing process - making sure I have everything I will need.  Actively DOING something towards where I'm going is what I need to be doing - today I just haven't because I was tying up loose ends.  I also haven't been eating right either... I KNOW better, but I have an excuse list a mile long - LOL!  (as I sit here typing after having a LARGE serving of SF chocolate icecream - excuse - celebrating Gary's birthday even though he's not here) - well I think I will actually do some studying.  I sure do hope the lawn gets mowed soon though... I have held off on doing it, because I was told Morgan 'liked' mowing lawns - well its been 'not raining' and tomorrow is the last day of the pause between rain storms... my (sorry their) lawn is starting to look like a hippy - LOL!  (small pet peeve I guess - since I have taken pride in HAVING a front yard with real grass for the first time ever) Ah I can feel the 'coma' coming on from the icecream - the SA will hit in a few - so signing off for now...

A time line penciled in...

Sigh - got a call today re: Whey Low - well the website is down - and she didn't want to give me any info over the phone... yeah I don't see the business doing bunches for a while... but I knew this would happen.  I'm ok with that - I'm moving on.  I spoke with the recruiter in Fontana - I think that is where I will doing my schooling and training.  That will leave me up here with only settling the house and work to worry about, then when I leave I will only have the schooling and training to worry about (well I will still worry about up here - but things will be as settled as I can get it before I go).  We did a test on scanning mail today - worked great.  Lynn did some household bill paying - worked great.  Called about Momma and the new med seems to be working.  Things are falling into place.  So the time line as it sits right now (and it has been changing almost daily - LOL) is my last day of work on the 28th - fly to Fontana on the 30th to start school on the 31st. 

Its a weird feeling to have that 'line' in the sand... almost like having a surgery date - LOL!  The same 'this is it' feeling.  The surgery also was a leap of faith - and has done us well.  I think this will too... I'm not saying its easy.  Giving up/away all the 'things' that have been collected. What others look at and say 'you have done well in this life'.  Like a house and vehicles and 'stuff'.  This also is a blessing of sorts.  We always knew that 'sometime' Lynn would 'get' the house... well now we are alive to see her and hers enjoy it.  THAT is worth quite a bit right there.  To watch her today, at the desk, actually filing the bills away... I never thought she would grow up and get organized!!  How I pulled my hair out when she would 'overdraw' herself!! I would get after her to keep an eye on it - use Quicken or something like that to keep track of things.  There she was doing it :) my little girl has grown up <sniffle>.  I am so proud of her!! 

Gary was lucky enough to get a trainer right off the bat.  On a forum that we are on - there are folks just waiting for a trainer.  Now there were some drivers at the terminal waiting after their training for trucks... since Christmas... THAT'S a bit scary.  Figure though - he might have to wait, but I won't have to - he will already have it!!  LOL - well at least that's the plan (que God and laughter here)...

Letting go... yeah I've had to do that recently.  Things as well as people.  Such as the little one I watch and his family. I have been with them for 12 years!! That is a LONG time.  They are like family to me too.  Also activities - my business - support groups.  Well those have been put on hold I guess... and people I can still keep in touch with - its just not quite the same. 

All in all though - I am looking forward to this new 'adventure'... on the forum we are participating in we have a thread 'the Adventures of Team Klingon' - and that's what this will be - an adventure!!  I know there will be times when I'm smacking myself (and Klingon) wondering WHY IN THE HELL DID WE DO THIS - and then there will be other times when I realise - yes... THIS is why we did this!!  I'm looking forward to those times :D

Quite the day today...

First the good thing - Gary has passed his DOT drive test and has an 'official' interim commercial license!!  I knew he could do it!  I'm proud of him ((HUG))

Now for the hard part today - had to take Missy to the SPCA - DAMN I hate doing these types of things.  (now here comes the 'poor me' whine fest - feel free to skip) Why do I always have to do these things... they get left for me to do.  Dogs, cats - doesn't matter - I am the one that does it.  I hurts me too you know... I stayed strong when placing Momma.  I stayed strong when sending Gary off.  I totally lost it today in the truck after dropping Missy off.  I made a PROMISE to the little lady that gave her trust in me to take care of Missy - but it 'had to get done' so guess who gets to do it... me... sigh... So if any of you reading are local - and would like a cat - PLEASE let me know... I didn't make any promises regarding the others - but they are younger and more 'adoptable' out of the home.  I'm hoping Missy will be adopted by a little ol' lady that has no other animals... that would be the ideal... I will keep the thought of that happening... 'happy thoughts'.

So while I'm in the middle of THAT - I get a call from the trainer down in Fontana.  There is a possibility I will go to Fontana to school.  I think that actually might be a good idea.  1) I would be able to stay here in Sac. until the end of Jan. without having to do the house/work and school.  2) They would be able to get me - schooled in 2 weeks instead of 3 (more concentrated program). 3) That would allow me to do more while I'm here, and concentrate on the house... and there is still a LOT of stuff to go through. We might not be able to do it all - and some will just get shoved in boxes for 'later'.  Other stuff will be gone through and just might not be dealt with as it 'should' be, but it will be done to the best of MY ability, and when I'm not here to do it, the rest will be done to the best of Lynn's ability. 

I called about Momma - and it seems like the new medication (ativan) is helping her stay 'calm' in the afternoons.  Yeah its chemical restraint - but it is a good 'care home' and I want to do everything we can to keep her in one place and not have to move her.  That would just add to her confusion!!

Well I guess I better get to studying.  Gary copied his study matterial from his schooling - and if I'm going to do a condensed/accelerated course - I will need all the help I can get!!

Waiting for my fix...

LOL - my Gary fix :) He has been able (in the evening) to use Skype so I can catch up on his day... so I'm at work, with Skype up and running just waiting <tapping toes>...

Got some stuff done today - a good portion of stuff really.  Stuff from the apt to the house.  Setting up 'our room' - it will be almost a studio apt w/o a kitchen when I'm done. 

Maybe I will put in a coffee maker/micro wave and small fridge eventually - but not right now.  Right now I'm concentrating on getting the kids set up making sure Momma is settled.  I did call the school and let her know a tentitive date - Jan 31st... which means getting there on the 28th for a the UA and DOT physical... so those are the dates I'm aiming for.  That will have the kids in the house for almost a month. 

My head might be here in Sac, but my heart is heading out on a truck.  I find myself looking at the trucks on the road - seeing which companies run I-5.  Thankfully I see Central - so that means there is a good possibility that we will be able to 'swing' by and visit :) Maybe not as often as all of us would like - especially with a Grandchild involved (and my daughter/SIL - you guys are included in there, but you're grown up and understand why we aren't here).  I'm also imagining that I'm already driving a truck - sticking to the 55-60 mph - (that's a big change for me!!) - also turning, going deep and wide - picturing the track a trailer would take.  It is a whole new mind set that I will need to have.  Hopefully this 'practicing' will stand me in good stead for the training ahead.

Well - I'm at work now - I guess I should do some charting - LOL!  Bye for now...

Another day down...

It was weird coming home last night - no one was there... tonight will be better - the kids brought their bed stuff and have 'moved in' - well they have started at least.  They will be sleeping there - LOL!

So we are still on track for me starting school February 1st. 

Momma went to the doc today to check out her arm. There is new bone present and it isn't displaced from the last xray - so all is good there.  We are also trying out a new med to see if that helps with her 'anxiety'.  She doesn't do well when there are changes in her routine - or any changes in atmosphere.  So we are trying medication to 'take the edge' off - and see if that helps WITHOUT making her SO out of it that it would make matters worse.  Its a fine line - and medicine isn't an exact science.  Getting her settled and making sure everything is set for her is the ONLY thing I can see that might delay my schooling.  I will not leave this on Lynn/Morgan/Rene's shoulders.  I don't think Gary would want me too either, even if it meant me not teaming with him as soon as planned.

The business is taking a bit of a back seat I'm afraid.  1) I'm just not able to promote it.  2) I was so late with a shipment - I did overnight service.  Yeah THAT cost more than what the customer paid TOTAL!! 3) I have been SO busy getting the kids moved in/Gary off to training/making sure Momma is set - adding one more thing (the business) just isn't possible.  I'm meeting w/someone to go over my 'volunteer' stuff - and STILL need to go to the bank to get signature cards for Convention!!  ARG!

It is good though to stay buzy - I just hope I can get everything straighten/ready for when I do leave.  That there won't be a BIG thing I've forgotten. I will cross that bridge when I come to it though (another one of my Dad's sayings!!)

Well I'm at work now - I sure will miss the people here too.  I've been here for 13 YEARS!!  I've watched this family grow up.  The little one - I occasionally let his Mom take care of him - LOL!  Sigh... life does move on.

Funny thing about all of this - Lynn would 'joke' with us about taking care of 'her' house, since it would be her's some day - well its going to be - LOL!  The nice thing is - we are alive to see her (and her new family) enjoy it!! That is a GREAT thing!!

Better today...

I was feeling all sorts of dis-com-boob-u-lated yesterday... but feeling better this morning.  I still have things I need to do and life does exist outside of 'me' and what I want.  The place where Momma is called yesterday (just to add to Gary leaving for training) as Gary is sitting at the airport just about ready to board the plane... I'm like GREAT! She was a bit aggitated and the PRN med that was ordered for her seemed to actually make it worse - so needless to say I need to call her doc today - LOL!  She also has her recheck apt w/ the ortho tomorrow for her broken arm - we will see how THAT goes.  Gary is in Fontana now - first day of his 'orientation/training' - it will be testing and paperwork today.  SO glad he flew down there... Bruce (who is doing this too) took the bus and it took him OVER 18 hrs from what I understand - yeah NOT doing the bus!! I still feel the void of knowing that Gary isn't here (locally) but since I do have 'things' I need to do - I'm staying busy and doing them.  Such as the gym today... yeah I actually got a short term gym membership.  2 months only... that should cover the time I would need it.  I need to have help w/my upper body strength.  There is the 'work physical' that I will need to pass and one part of that is lifting 50# from waist to crown 3 times... Oh and lets not forget carrying 75# for 53' three times... all the while keeping my HR and BP in the 'normal' range.  Gary did ok with it - I wish we/I had gotten the membership before he had to - he said he managed it, but it wasn't easy!! GREAT... and he's a guy and stronger than I am!  However I WILL do this - I WILL get myself physically stronger - I WILL get Lynn and Morgan moved in - I WILL make sure Momma is settled and doing well - I WILL take the schooling (and pass) - I WILL get my CDL and join Gary!!  So I guess I better get my shoes on so I can get to the gym and quit typing - LOL!  Bye for now...

Indescribable

Yeah - not quite sure what to 'lable' this day.  Step one? Missing? Adventure Begun? As I type this Gary is waiting for his flight.  We are both on Skype, and both doing stuff on our repective computers.  We did this a lot while I work the PM shift and he was at home watching Momma.  Not sure how often we will be able to do it now.  Lynn and Morgan are working in 'their' office - getting stuff set up and arrainged for them.  Its a good thing - strange, but good.  I'm feeling a sense of detatchment to this house and the stuff in it.  I think that's a good thing.  At times I wonder if I have the full array of emotions about things that others have.  Or did my childhood wall those feelings off from me... ah well, I will accept that wall gladly right now. 

Happy New Year!!

Had a wonderful pass from last year into this one - Gary had black-eyed peas w/ham and cornbread all ready for me when I got home from work.  That along with a fire in the wood stove - yeah it was a good evening!! 'They say' - (who ever 'they' are) - that what ever you are doing on New Years - is what you will be doing all year long.  Well we woke up together - spent the day together - packed up his bags together - planning on having a 'special' dinner together (BBQing a steak - YUM!) and watching TV together... sounds like we will be together this year - LOL - you think??

Well his bags are packed and sitting next to the door - now we get to kick back and relax.  He is doing the BBQing and I'm roasting the cauliflower (love roasted veggies!!)... NSA ice cream for dessert w/SF topping.  Have a great fire going again in the wood stove (room temp in the mid 70's) and both of us sitting next to each other playing/reading/typing on our computers.  I can see us doing that in our new 'home' - LOL - just a little closer together!!

So much to look forward to this next year - 1) a GRAND BABY!!  Woo Hoo!!  So happy for them ((HUG))... both of them have such loving hearts, I know they will do fine. 2) a new career - we aren't looking at this as a 'vacation' because this will be WORK!!  Driving for LONG periods of time everyday is not easy.  I also tried my hand at 'planning' out a route w/all the stops etc... WOW - lots of things to consider and it made my brain hurt - LOL!  I love that I will have to learn something new.  As much as I loved where I worked (already using past tense) because of the people I directly worked with - I was stuck in a rut... I wasn't advancing or learning anything.  NOW I am advancing into a TOTALLY new environment and way of life.  I embraced the 'bariatric' way of life, and now we are taking that along with us and on the road.  We have protein packed and I'm going to be working out how to get our vitamins while we are on the road.  We WILL NOT go without those! 

I'm going to be taking the camera - and I 'plan' on taking and posting a picture a day... maybe just on FB but maybe here too... we'll see...

Well dinner is ready - and the steak looks WONDERFUL - and I must say the roasted veggies are pretty good too - bye for now :)