Momma Update

Well for anyone not on FB and is interested - Momma will not need surgery!!  WOO HOO <happy dancing!!> That was a fear I was having - I have seen many in the Acute Care setting after a pinning of a bone that went totally loopy after anesthesia and was NOT wanting that for Momma!!  So its limited movement - basically 'as tolerated' and some dangles to maintain range of motion.  Stay with the Tylenol (he was glad we didn't give any NSAIDs because they can inhibit bone healing - I didn't know that!!) So our plans do continue in finding a place for Momma.  That hasn't changed with the no surgery option.  We will be 'dropping' in on a place tomorrow to check them out.  Its relatively close to the house which can be a good and bad thing.  Good because IF she needs anything - we don't have to travel too far.  Bad because there can always have the 'guilt' thing if we don't visit as much as we think we should.  Who knows though - they might not even have any openings - or we could get 'bad vibes'.  So we will see... Another thing we get to do tomorrow is check out possible work opportunity.  Not much info given over the phone, we have to go in - Mmm - I wonder if its a 'sales' speech or real employment - we will see tomorrow!!  So tomorrow will be a busy day.

I do want to 'say/type' how proud I am of my daughter and her husband... they are some pretty great people!!

Change is brewing...

And what that change will be I'm not sure.  You know the old saying when it rains it pours - we it sure as shit does!!  Yep I cussed - because damn it I feel like cussing right about now - LOL - OK I feel better :)  My head is going around in so many circles - I'm not sure which way the wind is coming from - but I'm going to trust in God!!  He hasn't failed us yet - but he sure has surprised us a few times!! 

A touch of history here - way back when, my Dad had a stroke.  My sister cared for him for as long as she was physically able to (not sure of the 'lesson' God was sending her), then Dad moved back to his house and we (Gary and I) moved out of our home (Leaving Lynn at age 18 taking care of the house. What a way for someone that age to learn what its like to live on their own with the safety net of Mom and Dad near by) and moved in with Dad to care for him until he needed to move to a skilled facility.  That timing was just right to sell his home at the top of the housing market. (All of this brought the three sisters closer together - which even to this day we enjoy a closer relationship than we had for YEARS before) Things went on and Mom passed and the estate closed.  With the gift that my parents left us we were able to build the home we are in now (With a second 'Master' for Momma) - on the same property Gary grew up on. (The timing here was impeccable!! Momma was at a point where she could NOT live on her own anymore and the 'motorhome' she was in was unlivable)  So now it seems we are at another crossroads...

It is a fact that IF she has to have a pin placed (especially if under general anesthesia) her Alzheimer's will go FULL BLOWN - and no she isn't full blown right now.  IF she doesn't need surgery - she will still be needing more care that I/we can give.  Gary is out of work and for him to get a job - we can't take care of her.  Especially as he will most likely be going back to truck driving.  So what ever is decided tomorrow at the Ortho Specialist - something will be changing soon...

So if you are a praying type of person - please pray for us - that what ever is blown our way is meant to be... Thank you!!

Distance...

Distance is so frustrating!!  I had a chance for some overtime work doing a night shift - I took it - and what happens when I'm 25 miles away? Momma decides to wander down the hall way at 5 am (needless to say - not for the first time last night) and just as Gary gets to her, she stumbles and falls into the wall.  Yeah she's fine - bumped her elbow (who said it was a funny bone!!) but there is no way I can leave work to help him pick her up!!  Plus even if I could have left right then it would have taken me 30 minutes (pretending to drive the speed limit) to get home. She refused/didn't understand to get to her hands and knees - he tried a gate belt (a wide belt used in skilled nursing facilities to 'grip' patients and help with transfers) - just couldn't get her up - so called EMS.  She is back in bed and won't remember any of this in a few minutes.  The frustration I feel at not being there to help though will stick around for a while!!  God bless my husband - and of course during this time (as he tells me) she is asking for 'her son'. When he says 'Mom I am your son', she replies 'I thought I had a good son'... If she had any clue as to how good a son she has!!!  Of course if she had any clue she would be mortified at her actions and responses.  Some times the repeated example of the person we have already lost is just ONE of the hardest things about this disease.  Yeah sure - Momma's body is still here.  She moves, talks and poops - but WHO she was isn't here anymore.  That 'who' has gradually left, and on very rare occasions will we see glimpses of her.  Those occasions thought are almost zilch at this point though.

An off the wall thought we have had - and a dream in a way... We always thought it would be cool that 'when' we 'retire' we would become 'team' drivers and drive truck across country.  That might come to pass.  Gary is looking into every avenue to getting a job (he even applied as a used car salesman!!) and truck driving is something he use to do and enjoyed.  IF he does that though - Momma would not be staying at home anymore - she would need to go to a 'hotel' full time.  Especially if he got a job that wasn't a set time frame - and I don't see that happening as a new hire.  He would get the scutt jobs and I don't think they would be the 'choice' hours.  There would be a 'few' considerations before I became a driver - such as health insurance and who would take care of the house or run the business that I started (not that there are a lot of customers - but I do have a few!!) - who knows what will be in a year though - I never thought I would see below 200 pounds again and here I am - time will tell and I will trust in God!!

Thanksgiving

Well today is Thanksgiving and it has been a great day so far... Its been quiet with none of the usual hustle and bustle that usually goes with doing something with a large group of people.  There are times that all the chaos is fun, but dealing with an Alzheimer person - calm is so much better.  It is definitely a change from other years.  We would go over to a family friends house (friend of the family for longer than Gary and I have been married - so basically they're family).  There would upwards to 25-30 people... adults and kids - it was scattered chaos - but fun!!  If we had tried to do that today it would NOT have been fun - for her or for us.  I posted that I wasn't going to be on FB - and that has been a bit hard.  I'm almost addicted to knowing what is happening it everyone out there - LOL - but I've been good.  Gary is having his quiet time in the office - and I have my laptop out in the front room w/Momma - just sitting and watching TV.  Lunch turned out AWESOME if I do say so myself!!  Cooked a 16# turkey (yes just for the 3 of us) and we will have left overs for DAYS!!  I also baked then mashed some sweet potato/yams, mixed w/Whey Low Gold and real BUTTER <he-he> Then did up a green bean casserole using the Frenches Onions; however I didn't have the 'regular' ones just the cheddar flavored ones - YUM!!  Then the 'can' of cranberry sauce - I ran out of time to make up the bag I bought - the turkey cooked faster than I thought it would - didn't stuff it this year.  Then warmed up a bun or two for Momma. Oh and I also did up gravy - and I didn't burn it - it even tasted good - LOL!  I also tweaked a family favorite - Apple Crisp - my grandmother taught me how to make it - and so I can't wait to dig into it!! I love cooking - its relaxing to me - especially if it turns out well - and I'm impressed with how things turned out today, and I had a blast!!  Gary did clean up while I made the mess - nothing is sexier than a man with dishpan hands <just saying - wink wink>  Well I'm going to continue to relax and pretend the rest of the world isn't out there today... I must admit though - I'm glad I see my daughter and her husband weekly or I would seriously be missing them today... but I know they are starting out their own lives and traditions - and I'm happy for them :)

Thanksgiving is also suppose to be a holiday - originated by George Washington if I remember correctly - as a time for all Americans to be thankful to God.  I am very thankful this year - and I thought I would make a list:

I'm thankful for my faith - I don't always practice it like I should, and I doubt when I shouldn't - but I know that God is there and loves me anyway - with all my faults and doubts. Some how he will provide - but it will be HIS way.
I'm thankful for my husband - he is my HOME - no matter what building we put our stuff - he is home.  He protects me and comforts me.  I have well and truly blessed when God put him in my life.
I'm thankful for my health - that is one thing money CAN NOT buy.  The surgery that I had last year has given me a chance to do better and change what I can.  We will let God decide the rest :)
I'm also thankful for my friends - both the ones from my youth, the ones I have had through the years and also new ones.  Each one of you bring a special seasoning to my life that brightens the flavor of the day. (Ooo that sounds so impressive and philosophical) - but its true!!  Each interaction whether it be on Facebook, BLOGS or in person brings something to my life.  A glimpse into someone else's triumphs or fears.  Information they have had the time to look up that I haven't.  I am blessed anyway you look at it.

I loose sight of that sometimes - I look at the bad stuff and get so caught up in my own mouse trap that I forget just how much I DO have.  I'm glad I have taken the time today to really THINK about the blessings in my life and be truly THANKFUL!!

Options and pathways

There are options and pathways possibly opening up - or at least different places to look.  This might be a good thing - SCARY - but good... time will tell... Sorry I'm not being any more forthcoming,  but I'm not ready to 'put it out there' because it is just thoughts.  At least these thoughts have sparked a light in Gary's dark thinking.  A glimmer of hope - and that is a precious gift!!

Thin person question...

And what is weird/wonderful is I can actually count myself as a 'thin' person right now :) Anyway... why is it when my core temp was 101.3 my hands were frozen and my lips blue?  (that's what was going on yesterday - when I wrote the blog entry - I hadn't checked my temp yet) That would mean my body was pulling blood from 'non essential' parts to keep my 'core' warm - and believe me it was warm enough!!  It took a blanket and an electric heating pad for me to stop shivering.  I know I'm a 'nurse' so I should have some basic idea - but I can't think of one.  So I thought I would ask all those 'thin' people out there what their experiences are - because I new at this 'thin' thing :^/

WLS popcicle ...

Yep that would be ME!!  The thermostate in the house says 72* but I think it lies!  I was even cold enough to have my lips turn blue and my fingers turning numb and tingling - LOL... I remember getting blue lips as a kid while swimming - "No Dad, I'm not cold" said through chattering teeth :)))) Before surgery I would have been toasty warm at 72*... now I have a  blanket and heating pad on.  Gary says 'turn the heat up' - well its a HUGE room.  I like to save $$ and electricity for a heating pad is WAY cheaper - LOL - I do take after my Dad.  I didn't appreciate it when I lived with him, but I do now.  Hopefully this popcicle stuff won't last for too long - either way the plan is NOT to gain the insulation back, so I best invest in some cute sweaters :D

Well the meeting yesterday is over with - but it sounds like a bunch of stuff came up today that would have landed on my shoulders if I was there.  I'm so glad I wasn't there!!  There was also an offer of another possision on the BOD... I'm going to have to pass on that.  When I say I'm going to do something I do everything I can to do it... (another thing my Dad taught me).  So if I said I would do it - I would put that above *me* and as my husband reminded me - I need to take care of *me*.  So sorry guys - gonna have to say NO.

Still no desktop computer - this is done on my laptop - so a bit of frustration.  I will need to figure out how to get my Quickbooks over here and then back again when things are up and running... but that is challenge for tomorrow.  Lynn is going up to Auburn for some stuff and I will be going with her in the morning... yep she still wants her Mom along for some stuff ((HUG)) makes me feel needed :) Well Gary has my tea ready and we are going to have some couch time <3 bye for now!!

Bah Humbug...

LOL - Oh it has been quite a day.  Gary has been working on getting all my info on a 'new' computer (well its not 'new' but its the one Momma used to play solitaire on it - so basically new) and it was all done - Woo Hoo!!  Then I got my hands on it - the only thing is all I did was replug in the wires and it won't boot up - GRRR! Not even rebooting is working - and of course we have had that computer long enough that we can't find the CPR disc... sigh... we can order another one that will be about $30 and with shipping - sigh... yeah I'm sighing a lot - LOL!  So with that and Momma... it was like she knew I wasn't in the best of moods - every button was being pushed; or at least it seemed that way.  You know when you're frustrated even a rose can be a weed to you. (do you like my analogy? Well it made sense in my mind.)  So now I'm at work thinking ahead to tomorrow.  I am SO glad I put in my resignation - the petty bickering, one-upsmanship and spiteful back stabbing - and all coming from a couple people.  I've done the job for six+ years now - I think its time.  Plus I have other things on my plate.  Now if it was a PAYING job - that would be a whole other bottle of sauce!! Well I'm hoping to get out of here soon, so I'm signing off - looking forward to Sunday, but not sure what we are going to do.  Daughter and her hubby are Momma sitting but with how tight $$ is right now; the question is, should we really spend it on a road trip?

Oh let me toss in a little bit about the business - I actually got a call from a 'Dr.' office/business that have their own line of stuff - they want me to try it and possibly sell it.  I haven't tried it yet - I did look them up on-line and I think (if I can remember correctly, because its not in front of my face right now) it is more of a diet thing - not really for bypass folk.  Sugars and stuff - but don't quote me - I will need to look again.  ANYWAY - I thought it was cool that they searched ME (well PJ's) out to possibly sell their product <grin>... also I'm suppose to be getting samples of some RTDs as well from another company.  They will have a local distributor (Sacramento area) so I can pick up directly from them and it won't cost me delivery charge!!  I hope they work out - and that they will be appropriate for us... I thin it will though; its a relatively well known name for proteins.  IF it works out - I'll let everyone know <grin> OK I'm grinning more now instead of sighing - Yep thinking about good things does improve the mood - need to do that more <note to self>  Well bye for now <waving>

The gift of time...

Gary and I were just told what we are getting for Christmas from the Eastern Johnsons... a gift of time!!  Some prepaid days for Momma to stay at the 'Hotel'.  WOW - I am so SO grateful!!  You never really know just what you are carrying until that load is lifted from you.  I want to thank the them but also thank God for the timing of the gift!  He knew that the load Gary and I have been carrying has been (and is) SO heavy and stressful right now.  The time and relief that this will provide us is priceless.  My daughter and husband cover for part of a day once a month - and that has helped for sure.  We so look forward to those days let me tell you!!  Even if all we do is sit next to each other in a vehicle - as long as we are away from Momma (and I feel guilty saying that) it is a relief. 

That brings up a point - the guilt of 'caregiving'.  I'm going to 'bare my soul' here a bit - <gulp> - but there are times when I look forward to the time when we will not have to care for Momma.  (and I'm not talking about for just the weekend) The only thing is for that to happen - she will be dead. THERE is where the guilt comes in.  How can I look forward to that time AT ALL - how could I even consider it??  Then I think about how she is at this point in time - in a way she already is.  The person I knew as Momma - that loved to sew - and travel in her truck - and laugh and cook... is no more.  I watched her the other day as she sat at the sewing machine - she didn't even know what it was.  She talks/argues with her reflection in mirrors not recognizing that it isn't another person.  She gets lost in the house now and doesn't know how to find her room without someone leading her there.  That isn't the Momma I remember - she has no memories of how she made my wedding dress or teaching me how to make salmon patties and curried rice.  She can't enjoy a jigsaw puzzle or a good card game of pinochle.   She wanders the house wanting to 'go home' - asking where her Momma is or her brother.  Nightly (and sometimes several times during the night) she wakes up after soaking her bed and the PJs she is wearing.  Then I consider - she might not know who we are, but we know who she is... THAT is why we do it.  THAT is why we will keep caring for her for as long as we can.  Nothing against long term facilities - there really are some good ones out there - but...

So now that I got THAT off my chest - LOL - I will say bye for now. 

New Day...

Its so weird how circulatory my moods can be.  Today though has been a nice day. <sigh> I love nice days :) I feel like I actually got something sort of accomplished - LOL!  I deep cleaned 1/2 of the kitchen (and we have a bigger kitchen), vacuumed 1/2 the house, Liberty Bell came out and worked on a speaker (talk about great customer service!) for the in-home surround sound that we had them install when we built the house.  I got at least 1 load of laundry done, Momma taken care of and I got to visit with a couple friends (while they toured the 'store').  On the way to work (yep that was all in the morning) I dropped off 8 (eight) large yard bags FULL of clothing that wasn't taken from the Gather.  Well 6 was from the Gather and the other 2 were my husbands 'too big' clothes, dropped them off at WEAVE Thrift.  Then of course I had to see what they had - so I picked up a couple (5) shirts for Gary... grand total of $25 (shhh he doesn't know yet).  Now I'm at work and 'blogging' - feeling much better and not quite so down.  Not that anything but my mood has changed - but actually DOING something during the day REALLY helps.  It really is a vicious cycle though - you start feeling down, so you 'mope', nothing really gets done, you feel guilty that you're not doing things you should, so you get more depressed, so you concentrate on what you're not doing and what you 'can't' do, and you get more depressed, so on and so forth . For today at least I broke that cycle - and DID something.  It felt good!!

My name is Lisa...

MY NAME IS LISA

This is a YouTube 'movie' - only 6 minutes long, but boy does it hit home!!  No I'm not in High School like she is - but the main character I'm thinking of is the Mom.  I look back and wonder - just how much we didn't want to acknowledge that anything was wrong w/Momma - 'she's just getting older' - yeah we used that one for quite a few years.  Then she started getting lost - and she was just down the street!  THAT is when we had her 'examined' by the Doc (MMSE - mild to moderate) and HE reported her to DMV and 'they' took her license.  I think that was about 6 years ago now?  In 2007 we finally moved her out of the 'motor home' she was living in - to live w/us.  It sure has been a long road to hoe THAT'S for sure.  She doesn't know who we are (at least by name) any more - nor some of the basics of daily living. I am SO thankful though that I haven't cared for her all on my own.  I'm also glad that I have been here for my husband, so he hasn't had to do this alone.  My hats off to those that DO care-give for someone (not necessarily Alzheimer's) and they don't have the relief that I am blessed with.  Anyway - Melting Momma had this video on her BLOG - I had seen it before, but didn't know the 'address' of it - so I thought I would share it... This will just give you a 'glimpse' as to what Alzheimer's is like - there is so much MORE to it.  I don't know that I want to get into THAT though - However I might some day - there is some good info to know out there... its just way to close to home right now.

Milk and Support

I think I might be becoming lactose intolerant.  I had heard that is was a possibility.  When I was fresh out, I would have milk in my protein drinks and had no problems with them.  Then when reading on a forum I was faithful to, folks were saying 'un-needed' calories in milk - don't use milk, use water!!  So I followed what they suggested, and I got use to using water in my protein drinks.  They weren't as thick - but I got use to them.  So flash forward to today.  I didn't have my usual protein coffee for breakfast, because it was our 'monthly breakfast' that we do every month...

Breaking off to tell you about the monthly breakfast - it use to be a Club Meeting for our 4 wheel drive club (California Trail Runners) but with 'life' intruding the membership is now - to say the least - minimal.  So we decided to open up the 'breakfast' to anyone that would like to join us.  So consider this an open invitation to anyone who reads this to join us on the 2nd Saturday of the month - 9 am - Mel's Diner. 

Back to what I was saying - - - instead I split an omelet with Gary.  After getting home I scooted off to a support meeting and didn't get home until about 3 pm.  All I had since breakfast was water.  THEN we went out to the front of the house and did some serious weeding in the front ditch and cleaning out the culvert under the driveway (preparing for winter) - still no protein drink.  (slapping myself on the back of my hand - I know better!!) So when I came inside to start fixing dinner (about 4:30 ish) I decided the milk in the protein drink (since I hadn't had one yet today) wouldn't hurt me - WRONG!!  No 'dumping' or dropping in BS, but I had pain in my pouch - and what feels like some bloating - uhggg.  I really don't drink milk any more and then to have > 8oz at one time - yeah, not going to do that again soon.

So some thoughts about what the RD was talking about at the Support Meeting today.  She brought up some good points - especially with the holidays coming up.  Think ahead - plan - have some strategies in place.  What am I talking about?  Well if you know you are going to a party - and that there is a good possibility there won't be any foods that you can (should) eat - then bring a dish with you.  OR have something BEFORE you go.  If you go without eating or bringing something with you - you will run the risk of eating something that won't agree with your new plumbing.  Nothing worse than spending a Holiday Party in the potty!!  Also with the craziness of the Holiday's and shopping and time commitments - make sure you bring a little something in your car or purse 'just in case' - such as a small package of nuts or a protien bar.  That way you won't be tempted to 'just pick up something' a the nearest Fast Food place. It was common sense type stuff - but things I would never have thought about BEFORE surgery, but need to now.  I might do a post a little more in depth later... just like I still want to do a 'presentation' about the importance of protein. We tend to forget that - and let our selves fall back into old eating patterns after a while.  Forgetting just how important that protien is to us... especially if you have had a malabsorptive procedure done.  Or have any type of wound/surgery that you are healing from.  More on that later :)

Anyway - it is Saturday - and its been a relatively busy and productive day - but I'm signing off now and I'm going to spend some quality couch time with my husband. With him doing work in the mornings (me watching Momma) and me going to work in the evenings (and him watching Momma) - we really don't get to much 'quality' time together - so bye for now <waving>

This is a test...

Playing with a new toy - Networked Blogs - lets see if it worked :)

Pick your poison...

Artificial sweeteners... there are several out on the market and there are folks with definite preferences and others that just don't care which one or if any.  We (Gary and I) definitely have a preference which one NOT to have... that would be aspartame (aka Equal) also listed in bold print in the 'ingredients' PHENYLKETONURICS: CONTAINS PHENYLALANINE.  Why am I writing about this?  Well I was posting on FB (surprise - LOL) and there was someone there that was having a reaction to Splenda.  Well that is our artificial sweetener of choice now, so I explained why we didn't do Equal... here is the cut and paste (so I don't have to retype it):

Gary (my DH) had been having 'dizzy spells' every once in a while - we though - mmm inner ear something. It wasn't interfering with anything really - just a hassle. since they didn't last long... As time went on - they became more and more frequent and more severe. It got to where they were coming a minimum of monthly and we really started to get worried... so trips to the Doctors (Kaiser) - after MRIs and lab test - Neurologist, Cardiologist, ENT specialist - no one could say what the cause of these dizzy spells were. They had gotten SO bad that with the nausea/vomiting they caused he would pass out (vegal nerve stimulation). They were also coming more than once a week!!  Well during this time my Dad read an article about the 'Evils of Equal' and passed it along to us. Since when aspartame is broken down by the body it is VERY similar to another neurotransmitter - it causes a multitude of symptoms... one of them is vertigo (as well as symptoms similar to MS) so for kicks and giggles we stopped ALL equal consumption. Which was really hard - since we were FAT and thought we were doing the 'right thing' going 'sugar free' (so glad there are other options now!!). Anyways - after stopping ALL Equal we waited - and waited - and waited for the next dizzy spell - it never came!! UNTIL he went through a fast food restaurant drive through and they gave him diet soda - yep with in 45 minutes he had a dizzy spell. Only one other dizzy spell since and that was with some Flavored Water. We didn't check the label close enough. 

Now the way I got MY information is via the internet - so needless to say, you need to take the info with a grain of salt (kosher please - LOL) any way... HERE is one link that is a good one.  Please read it... it might apply to you - or someone you know. 

Ruts...

Yep I fell into my old comfortable rut today... I tried a couple times to steer my way out of it, but slipped right back in - sigh...

So I'm at work now - in another one of my ruts - LOL!  This one I get paid for though :)  Business is slow - but then I haven't been able to really go out an push 'myself' - not quite sure how, beside just going to support meetings and having a presence on-line... putting myself out there in cyber-land is a scary thing though.  One its a new process and learning curve and I just haven't had the time to sit down and figure it out.  (excuse #1) I just can't seem to get motivated - even typing out this much tonight has been an on/off process... my mind is just scattered and doesn't want to stay on track.  I have days like that - where I just feel 'fuzzy' and 'disconnected' - really hard to describe.  I think a big part of it is stress... and not wanting to face 'life' right now.  So I've been jumping from one thing to another and NOTHING gets done... sigh... I'm going to stop typing now and delve into some HULU and try to chart.  Thank goodness THAT is done by route - nothing really changes and I could almost do it blind folded - LOL - but then I would write outside of the lines :^/

Bariatrics

bar·i·at·rics[bar-ee-a-triks]

–noun ( used with a singular verb )

a branch of medicine that deals with the control and treatment of obesity and allied diseases.

You know - it was kinda embarrassing yesterday - I was talking to a bank manager while we were working on some of my volunteer stuff and I mentioned my business PJ's Bariatrics... she asked - what is bariatrics - I just kind of sat there with my mouth open... how do you describe it - its a type of surgery? Its what I had done?  I was at a total loss for words - LOL - 'I' knew what it was, but I couldn't tell someone else what it was... so for anyone else that needs to tell someone just what 'bariatrics' is - above is the official definition per www.dictionary.com

SSDD

Its Monday morning and I did some more of the 'reading' I told myself I was going to start doing - it didn't 'jump' out at me so much this morning - but there were distractions like the cat walking across the key board, Momma getting up and needing to get dressed and have breakfast, and my mind just not sticking to reading.  My ADD kicking in, or my no coffee yet syndrome - LOL!  There was one sentence though that I highlighted - "The effort to shield ourselves from the pain also blocks our awareness of the good stuff." - with that sentence she is trying to get across that when we have had our 'pains' and we shield ourselves so that we won't feel those pains again - that shield doesn't JUST block out the pain, it also blocks out the GOOD feelings as well... the appreciation of a sunset/sunrise - the pleasure of hearing a child's giggle.  That type of 'good' stuff.  She was talking about the pureness of the good childhood memories - the joys that came from simple things.  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I don't have many detailed memories of childhood.  I think that might be a self protective measure, but who knows - it just might be the type of brain I have - LOL!  I even now have difficulty remembering details.  So that is what I glommed onto with my reading this morning :)

Other than that - its the Same Stuff, Different Day - hence the SSDD title... I have weighed basically 163 +/- a pound all week - that is a good thing, and I'm happy with that.  It would be kinda fun to loose to 159.9 though - then I will have lost more than I weigh!!  We are still waiting on bids for Gary's work.  I'm still running the 'store' and business is slow, but steady with the few customers I have (thank you guys!!).  I still work with the little one I have worked with for over 11 years (so he's not so little anymore - LOL).  So not much has changed... Hopefully this week will bring GOOD changes though - maybe we will hear from some of Gary's bids - praying that will happen SOON!!!

Autopilot

As I mentioned before - I had lunch with my sister yesterday.  During that lunch she recommended a book - Strong Women, Soft Hearts by Paula Rinehart.  She said to try reading it slowly and praying before you read for the day.  Read just a page, or two - absorb what was written... see if there a something in there that touches you.  So I started this morning.  She was right - there was a phrase that just jumped out at me. "Life is not a journey you want to make on autopilot".  I have been doing that recently.  The stresses of each day - work, Momma, bills, housework (and the list goes on) I have been just going one day at a time - doing things by habit.  Not really paying attention to life as it has been going on around me.  Another sentence "We can so easily sleepwalk through our days - out of touch, disconnected, half-alive".  I don't want to do that any more.  I have a feeling this book will help point me, and guide me to be alive again.  To help me find joy and passion for living... Oh don't get me wrong - I do have happiness now. I have a loving husband, a wonderful kid and many other blessings... this is more of an inner reflection. "It's just that sometimes we get mired in the very clay he dug us out of, tangled in the weeds of our own wanderings".  I think I'm going to enjoy this 'quiet - just for me time' :) and I might just get something out of it!!

Lifestyle

I have been reading posts and links that folks put up on Facebook - and I really need to read them more closely, but one thing they have in common - they all mention that you have to CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE to maintain the weight loss... what do they mean about lifestyle... the car you drive?  Where you live? What clothes you wear? Well those will change a bit - to a smaller size, but you get the idea.  The lifestyle they are talking about is how you approach and deal with... wait for it... FOOD!!  Yep - THAT is the lifestyle that everyone is talking about. (there is also exercise, but I can't talk about that one - I don't 'exercise', but I do 'move' more now than I did) I am so working on my 'lifestyle'... having the surgery has helped, but the hard work is just beginning.  I've lost the weight I wanted to loose (thank you Lord), but now comes the work on the head - so I don't turn to food for comfort.  That is a change in my lifestyle. I also need to not turn to food out of boredom, another change.  Or how about turning to food in times of stress, depression, celebration - yep that is another change in lifestyle.  All my life up to this point (well April of last year actually) I would (and could) turn to food for distraction, comfort and celebration (I can still celebrate w/food - just changing the type and amount of food).  Now I'm learning a new lifestyle - to DO something if I'm bored.  To pamper myself if I'm depressed.  To concentrate on what I'm celebrating INSTEAD of the food I'm celebrating with.  ALL of those things are different for me - a change in my lifestyle.  Now this isn't saying that I don't fall back into my old ways at times - I do - but my old lifestyle would have been to give up and say 'ah to hell with it' - now my new lifestyle is 'pick your ass up and try again!'... so far so good :)

Cobwebs...

Ahhhh - I feel so much better :) It is so amazing to me how even a short ride will help clear out some of the cobwebs.  Its almost a 'ZEN' feeling when riding.  I'm just riding to work, but in that short 20-30 minutes I don't concentrate on anything else BUT riding.  No worries about $$ or computers or 'to do' lists - just riding!!  There is a vibration and humming - then the feeling of the wind - ahhhh.  Words just don't do it justice - LOL!  An old saying - only a biker knows why a dog hangs his head out a window - yeah, I get it!

I hadn't been riding because I actually had a cold last week... I wanted to make sure I was completely over that because without my fa 'insulation' it gets downright cold at times on the way home.  LAYERS and wind proofing are the keys though.  I feel like the Michelin Man with all my gear on.  The layers consist of a head cover/face mask, helmet - then moving down a shirt, fleece, jacket and a windbreaker - legs get tights, pants and chaps - feet are socks and shoes (hope to get some boots someday soon).  Oh and gloves - LOL!!

I remember one of my favorite NSV (non scale victory) was when I was wondering what was going on with my bike!?! I had 100 miles on it and I wasn't having to switch over to the researve tank yet... when it finally dawned on me, it wasn't anything to do with the bike - it was ME that had changed!!  I had lost about 100# at that time - so the bike was getting better gas mileage not having to haul that extra 100# around.  I was stopped at a light and let out a squeal - now remember if I biker says anything out loud, folks can hear it - there are no windows - so I got a few funny looks, but I didn't care - it was a GREAT NSV!!

Ziploc

As I'm sitting here at work - thinking about eating dinner - I look at the little Ziploc container I'm using and think - I really like these things!  So I thought I would pass it along.  I have mentioned before that I have a problem with portion control... these really help.  I have a lunch box that I fill to bring with me to work - I can fit 4 of these in the box... That is plenty for a 'snack' when I get to work (about 3 pm) and dinner (at about 6 pm) with another 'snack' (about 8-9 pm) before I leave for home.  Each container holds 1-1.5 cups worth of food - so even if I pack a slider food (food that slips easily through my stoma) such as cottage cheese or soup, I still can't eat more because I didn't bring more :) Then now have come out with the twist top ones to - so much better for that liquid stuff!! So tonight I brought home made chili (Momma helped me sort the beans - LOL - kept her busy for a while) some pumpkin cheese cake w/SF caramel sauce drizzled on top, some peanut butter sweetened w/splenda and an apple.  So only 3 containers tonight - with an apple... Evening is the time I eat the most - so limiting what I bring really helps - at least that's the goal :)

Patience

pa·tience/ˈpeɪʃəns/ Show Spel[pey-shuhns]

–noun

1.  the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

Definition provided by Dictionary.com 

What a precious commodity that is!!  It has been totally used up today... now I am just fatigued, depressed, frustrated... by what you might ask?  Oh a number of things... and if I went into detail I would be seriously WHINING - and OH do I really want to!!  However I do know this is sort of public here - I am putting it out there - but this is also my 'life' I'm blogging/journaling about... and right now its a very frustrating/stressful life.  Yes I do know others have it harder - and yes things could be worse - and no I don't want them to be worse - I DO want them to get better - but some things won't GET better... in a single word - Momma.  Other things will take time and waiting - and I don't like waiting - because I would like to know the outcome NOW!! Another thing is computers and programs and stuff I am not that good at - and all the CRAP that goes with them!! Can we say FRUSTRATION here? Still other stuff I pray will get better - but I'm scared that it might just get worse - hence the stress.

During this stress/fatigue/frustration - I would really like to eat myself senseless - so I don't have to feel any of this ... well sort of.  I find myself wanting to, but not wanting to.... it's like a vicious circle in my head - go ahead/NO don't/go ahead, you know you want to/NO DON'T - needless to say, I'm not always successful listening to the NO don't voice... sigh... but sometimes I am.  I sure hope it gets easier - because right now - its not so easy!!