Life just isn't fair!!

Nope its not... if it was God would have let us be out on the road for a while before we had to head home again. Instead we get a call that we need to find a new place for Momma... Why couldn't she have told us that when we were there!!  NOOOOooo she just had to say that she could handle Momma... GRRR!!  So here comes some more downtime - not what we needed!!  Koodows to our company though - they got us the first available load west (or so they say - I really don't care if they made that up or not - because it is a load and it is going west)... so here we go again!!

Should'a - Would'a - Could'a

Yep hindsight is 20/20 - but we aren't gifted with that.  We just have to deal with our choices and move on.  I would so love to get into details - because my mind is busting with them!!  Total conversations going around and around... and I don't seem to 'win' a single one of them.  Regrets and might have beens (hence the title)... However typing out details in a public place isn't me... or at least I try really hard not to.  I remember getting very upset when that happened to someone else - and now I'm gagged because of it.  Oh don't get me wrong - I have 'BLOGGED' at times, and just not posted - but its not the same.  I would love to have others tell me I'm right, or comiserate with me, or give me encouraging words... We all need that at times. So I stew... and while stewing I spiral... and I try to pull myself up by my boot straps all by myself... because who do I have to 'talk' to... someone that is the same closet with me and feeling the same things... the hurt and frustrations and even a bit of hopelessness.  As in why do we even try? (OK I read this part to him - and he said 'yep feel the same things - just not as vocal as you are')

We try because we try to help and preserve the past ... maybe not in the right way though... again looking back... maybe there were things we SHOULD'A done differently? WOULD it have made a difference in today?  It COULD'A... but we will never know... so we play the cards we are dealt - and 'make do' with what we have and try to be happy... which is MUCH harder at times than others. 

Now please don't read this and think we are disappointed in a person(s) - it is a situation - a situation that past choices have put all of us in.

So I have now spouted as much as I feel comfortable doing - I have pulled my boots up a bit and am trying really hard not to 'think' too much - and doing a whole lot of praying!!  (feel free to toss some our way)

I just have to remember we all do the best we can at the time - its when we look back that we see where different choices COULD have been made... now to make the best choices we can and move on...

On the road again...

Well to do an update... (I really should do these more often - the little details tend to get fuzzy after a while - old age? alzheimer's?)

We got back on the road after over a week off.. so this week, no $$ just paying for the truck sitting still... OUCH... but we did get an OK load but... yeah there is always a BUT in there...

We loaded down in Wasco, CA - and they did say in the info that it might take a while - well it did! We carried a trailer packed (hand packed) full of bare root rose bushes to the drop yard in AZ.  Well the delay in loading took part of the time we needed to make our next delivery. 

So we get to AZ, drop our trailer and look around for an MT (empty trailer)... as usual, none to be found there.  So we call and try to get permission to not bring one to our next load, since what we are picking up is already loaded in a trailer... told we have to wait until the day shift comes in... yeah more wasted time.

Day shift comes in and says OK to go in without an  MT.  Now we are almost 12 hours past where we expected to be time wise.  The load out (which had a pick up appt time of 3 days before) was going to be tight for us anyway, because it was given to us (a team) because it was cutting it close time wise. We let the weekend folks know - we are now going to be late - by a minimu of 12 hours - no response... We continue on (heading to MD) and the next day - let them know we are going to be late... they respond back with we will let your DM (dispatch manager) know... Her response on Monday (the day we WERE to deliver it - and after the appt time - since she comes in 0600 CST and the appt time was 0545 EST) was - I didn't think it would take you guys that long - <LOL right - and the delays had nothing to do with it!!> Sigh...

So now we dropped the load the next day - more waiting - and picking up the next one - same day, which is nice (it was even in the same state!!) - and heading back to CA... Oh and our delivery appt time is after when our next load picks up!!  Here we go again!!

Now on to the WLS front - we are trying to get back on track... well I am and Gary is encouraging me (he is my Jimminy Cricket).  I've logged back onto a favorite forum http://bariatrictv.com/forum/index.php and started to read (and even post a little) again.  Wish us luck!! Staying away from munching while waiting... yeah... got to work on that!! 

Timing...

You know we make all these plans and think we have things well in hand... then God comes in and changes things around.  When you look close though and look back all you can do is marvel at his timing... and sometimes you can even glimps at the reasons why...

Case in point - We had planned on being in town on the 12-14th for Gary's Doc appt... thinking Lynn would then be more up and around after surgery and we could give the kids at least a day or two off parent duty.  Instead Momma fell and broke a hip. We came home early, Rick flew out and stuff (paperwork and benifits) got done that needed to get done, which needed both the brothers to do.  So now we were able to reschedule Gary's appt to today, we took an extra day to cover Eddie care while Lynn has surgery (although I have a feeling there were many other offers - LOL) and while we were here the water heater took a dump.  Now this was a type of dump that we would not have been able to diagnose over the phone, so it was a good thing we were here when it happened.  God's plan - I think so... He has a way of having things just happen. 

Such as yesterday - I was trying to stay busy outside, because there was too much food temptation inside - and I was trying to do things that would help and decrease some of the frustrations we feel when we come home.  Well my usual spiral down into thinking of what ifs and whys etc... then Lynn came out and caught me and I was able to 'cry on her shoulder' - literally.  I think it was a good thing - unplanned but cleansing.  There is so much more that CAN be done around here, and Lynn carries it all on her shoulders... I know we only see through a small window, but what we see, we get very frustrated with.

Now if we had stuck with OUR plans - no paperwork would have been started for Momma - Rick and Gary wouldn't have had time together (and I think a greater appreaciation for what the last few years for us has been like) - we wouldn't have had the time to aid Lynn and Morgan and give them some 'off' time... and in doing so would have been super stressed when the hot water heater stopped working and we weren't here to diagnose it.  So even though this 'down time' is really tough on the pocket book - it was good timing. 

I have faith that things will all work out according to GOD's plans, even if that doesn't correspond with OUR plans!

Reconnecting...

How cool is FaceBook... for kicks and giggles a couple months ago I put in a few names from my childhood.  Found one of them and sent a message - she replied and yep it was her!!  Finally got to go and see her... talk about a blast from the past :) While I was there a friend of her's turned out to be a friend of mine from across town and 4 years earlier! Talk about a SMALL world!

Its a guys night out tonight... Gary, his brother and a friend of the family (from their childhood) are all heading out to visit... I expect them to be out for HOURS... those guys can talk and reminice with the best of them.

So I'm hangin' out with the 'kids'... she's not such a kid any more, but she will always be MY kid.  Nice sitting and having a 'family' dinner with them.  Fun watching Eddie too - brings me back to raising Lynn - and it doesn't even seem THAT long ago.

Got a lot done this week - things that Lynn and Rene wouldn't be able to do for us.  Signatures and paperwork... trying to get increased benifits... and a bunch else... I am SO glad that it wasn't just Gary and I - Gary's brother flew out and he was a big help.  Another head to keep track of things and another emotional buffer.

I must admit though I am torn - loved being home/at the house, but I'm looking forward to getting back on the road again. Plus we have sat so long that this is going to put a big dent in the pocket book. I know - that is always on my mind - its the way I'm wired :^\

Another reason I look forward to being back on the truck is there isn't as much 'temptation'.  I have 'cheated' SO much on the WLS eating plan. I know better, but did it anyway - and now kicking myself.  I'm sitting here BLOGing and hurting at the same time... AND kicking myself... Weight wise, I'm at 185... which is 5# MORE than the Doc's goal for me... so... I am going to put in print (and while I'm typing it I really mean it) my pledge to get back on plan... NO processed sugar, decrease carb intake, increase veggies and protein. Making sure I drink more water and less coffee even if I have to stop to pee more often... so I pledge!!

Wading through it all...

My lord!!  The amount of paperwork is amazing... and I am lost. Thank God for family, friends and different agencies!  Since Momma was in the hospital for over 72 hours she qualified for Medicare help... so a nurse came out to evaluate her and she will be getting PT (well the care home will - since she wouldn't retain any info), also a SW with VA experience talked with us today... so I have some hope there.  Of course looking back, I wish we had pursued these options sooner and harder... it might have helped save some of our savings, but such is life and vision is 20/20 when looking backwards.  We can just deal with what we have today.  So tomorrow we start the path through the VA stuff...  This time sitting still (truck not rolling) is going to make things a bit thin for a while, but there is no way we want to lay this on Lynn's door.  She has enough on her own plate right now, and has been such a help with being here.  It is still hard for me to realize she is a grown woman in her own right and a mother to boot!!  She will always be my little girl!! I am so proud of her and how she has dealt with her part in caring for Momma.  I'm also glad Gary's brother was able to come to town.  Its good to see the interplay between the two, and it nice that the emotional load has been shared.  Unfortunately Gary has come down with the creeping crud... we have been fighting the nose stuff for a while, but its finally gone down into his chest.  The first major sickness since WLS (except during his training a year ago, but that was because this trainer kept his truck the temp of a freezer!!)... its really kicking his butt... So not what we need at this time either... So the good things (you know me - I need to look at the good things - keeps me out of my well) - the fracture Momma had, didn't need surgery - the brothers get a chance to visit - we get to spell Lynn and Morgan, and give them a small break from parenthood - we get to play with our Grand Baby!!  Oh and one of the best things - we get to play with our Grand Baby!!  LOL!!