Sigh... bit of a whine here - so feel free to skip this one...

I don't feel good... Yesterday - had a little bit of discomfort in my L foot, thought maybe I scrubbed it too hard when I took a bubble bath.  This morning - redness and increased discomfort on the top of my food.  Ok - I'll take it easy, but I NEED to go to WalMart.  I'm out of protein and drink mixes and munchies... and the munching I've been doing hasn't been good choices.  So off to WM I go... shuttle to the term/shuttle to WM - there walking around for 1 hour/shuttle back to the term/shuttle back to the hotel.  Mean while - my temp has gone up (I can tell because my lips are BLUE and I am shivering so hard I can barely push the cart), I am having REALLY BAD pain in my foot/calf/behind my knee and groin.  Thank GOD I got prescribed some broadspectrum ABX that will kill just about everything but me - however they tend to cause yeast infections too (joy).  Also when I'm back at the term, they let me know I'm getting shuffled to a new room w/a roommate... sigh... so I finally get back to the hotel - thank goodness for bell carts - move all my stuff over.  TV is blaring,  and there are 3 people in here.  Thankfully the guys left - (no hanky panky or anything - just classmates) and my RM left (probably visiting in their room - that don't hurt my feelings AT ALL).  I took a warm (not hot - didn't want to do any more tissue damage - but I did want to warm up) bath, I'm in bed with my legs elevated slightly - started on my ABX and waiting for my fever to break... I feel like I'm ROASTING!! I did take some Excedrin though - so that will help the pain and temp.  Ah the glamoris life of a trucker!! Gary still isn't due until Tuesday - but I'm suppose to head over to the term to work on getting us a different truck... so I'm going to call - and if I need to show my face - I will!!  My trainer is wanting out of his lease - and we are seriously considering that. It would only go to October (If I remember correctly) so we can see if that is for us (I think L/O will be) but again health insurance is an issue... case in point - what if I didn't have these ABX to take - that would mean no coverage (as we would be independant contractors) unless we can find some individual coverage.  That would have meant a visit to an urgent care, doctor visit, and RX... not cheap by any means.  Need to check with the tax guys to see if we incorporate, can we deduct our health insurance since we would be  'employee's' of the corporation?? So something to work out.  So here I wait - but I feel SO much better w/my leg covered - I'm warm (almost too warm because of the fever) and I'm drinking my fluids (really behind on that today - only about 30 oz so far).  I'm also going to enclude a protein drink tonight - since I'm behind on that too... Well that's it for now - off to read the forum and FB... :) Of course I will probably fall asleep in the middle of it and be up in the wee hours again - LOL!  Oh well - there is always HULU!!

Ahhhh..

I know - it sounds corney - but 'he completes me' is the best I can discribe my feeling right now. We are in the motel room, both on the little ity bity table - playing on our respective computers - eating rolled up pastrami and swiss cheese - a mess spread out on the bed of stuff to take and save for 'our' truck - and I feel 'at home'.  I know tomorrow will start my educational process and I'm looking forward to it. Gary will be going back with his trainer and finish up his training (he has about a week left).  Do I miss Sac and the folks there - yes I do - but I know this is a natural progression... moving on to something else. 

In this 'new adventure' we did some walking this  morning.  Went into this 'mexican' store - regular grocery store, but almost everything also had spanish translations, spanish music, and spanish foods... found this powdered sugar free (aspartame free) drink mix that wasn't what is normally carried in the stores I would normally frequent. (Raley's Safeway etc) its called Klass and it tastes really good!!  Not the normal lemonade, ice tea stuff either.  We got the Pina (pineapple) and the Melon (cantelope) - such a nice change!!  Just the start of the 'new' things I'm looking forward to finding.  Well new for me that is - LOL!

Looking forward, not back...

I really need to remind myself to do this!!  I have spiralled myself into a dark hole.  I have been looking back, and the light is at the end of the tunnel, not behind me.  I have been saying goodbye to friends and family - which is good - although I have to remember it isn't 'goodbye' (I'll never see you again) goodbye... its 'goodbye' (I won't see you for a while) goodbye.  I've been looking at the house and the life I was expecting to have - and mourning the loss of THOSE expectations.  I need to focus on new expectations, and the new challenges, adventures and memories I will be blessed with.  Its not just me that this is hard on though - and I DO understand that.  I have tried to make it easier (not sure how I'm doing with that) and I hope I have. 

So to look forward:
I am hoping to see Gary this weekend.  His trainer is taking his home time and since he lives in/near Fontana he will be dropping Gary off at the terminal - So one bright light is that I will get to see Gary!!  Another bright light is the adventure we will be doing together.  The memories we will be making and sharing - the good and the bad... but even the bad, when shared, aren't THAT bad. Looking forward to my daughter and her husband making a home for themselves - and our grandbaby. Seeing what 'their' plans are for the house and property :) Another light is that I will FINALLY be able to see the US.  I have wanted to see more of the country for YEARS, now I can.  Most of it will be from the interstate, but there will be times when we will be able to 'explore' :)  I'm looking forward to trying my hand at taking pictures... not sure how good they will be, but I will have fun trying - LOL!

See - now that I'm concentrating on the forward, and the good parts of the forward journey, I feel better :)

Sisters...

I have such beautiful sisters!!  It was SO good seeing them today - it has been a while.  Not as long as it use to be - but long enough.  What I mean by that is - as with any family (or at least with ours) each kid is at a different level in their life.  One in elementry school another in High School or College... the social circles just don't intermesh unless brought together by the parents.  'Family' events - dinners/picnics/outings.  There wasn't a bunch of that in our family - so as we grew up - we tended to grow into our husbands families.  That was fine, its what we needed.  Then my Dad had a stroke.  People would think that was a bad thing - and yes - it was.  However something REALLY good came from it.  It brought us (the Miller girls) back into each other's lives. His stroke made us pull together; have contact w/each other.  Even after his passing (miss you Dad) we made an agreement, that we would continue to have 'sister times'.  At first it was once a month - but life intrudes at times, but all in all, we do pretty good.  Now I'm heading off OTR, so we were able to do one more sister time before I leave.  It was a nice long one :) The love and support of these sister times are awesome... I will miss them.  (my sisters and sister time)

Gary gave me some news that I think is great - he wants to start going back to church.  This is a good thing.  Its funny - each of us sisters have a different approach to 'religion' and our faith.  I'm a quiet one about it - LOL - but it is there.  Gary and I have different views about churches - he was raised in a 'Church of Christ' - I went to several different churches growing up.  So I'm comfortable w/instrument music during a service, or multiple cups for communion... those things he's not so comfortable with.  That's fine by me.  I'm happy I found a news letter and web site for the same church he grew up with.  There are locations in several different states, and that's a good thing since we will be in different states - LOL! 

Another good thing - Gary's trainer is going to try taking his 'home time' (he lives in Fontana, where I'm going to school) at the same time I head down there.  So there will be a day, day and a half that I will be able to spend w/Gary before I head to school and he goes back on the road.  Really looking forward to that.  Truth be told - I'm looking forward this whole adventure!!  I will miss my daughter, her husband, our house, the little one I watch, ALL of our friends in Sacramento - the daily routines we had; but I'm looking forward to the change.  Something new - new challenges - new adventures - and doing these NEW things with my BEST friend!!

A time line penciled in...

Sigh - got a call today re: Whey Low - well the website is down - and she didn't want to give me any info over the phone... yeah I don't see the business doing bunches for a while... but I knew this would happen.  I'm ok with that - I'm moving on.  I spoke with the recruiter in Fontana - I think that is where I will doing my schooling and training.  That will leave me up here with only settling the house and work to worry about, then when I leave I will only have the schooling and training to worry about (well I will still worry about up here - but things will be as settled as I can get it before I go).  We did a test on scanning mail today - worked great.  Lynn did some household bill paying - worked great.  Called about Momma and the new med seems to be working.  Things are falling into place.  So the time line as it sits right now (and it has been changing almost daily - LOL) is my last day of work on the 28th - fly to Fontana on the 30th to start school on the 31st. 

Its a weird feeling to have that 'line' in the sand... almost like having a surgery date - LOL!  The same 'this is it' feeling.  The surgery also was a leap of faith - and has done us well.  I think this will too... I'm not saying its easy.  Giving up/away all the 'things' that have been collected. What others look at and say 'you have done well in this life'.  Like a house and vehicles and 'stuff'.  This also is a blessing of sorts.  We always knew that 'sometime' Lynn would 'get' the house... well now we are alive to see her and hers enjoy it.  THAT is worth quite a bit right there.  To watch her today, at the desk, actually filing the bills away... I never thought she would grow up and get organized!!  How I pulled my hair out when she would 'overdraw' herself!! I would get after her to keep an eye on it - use Quicken or something like that to keep track of things.  There she was doing it :) my little girl has grown up <sniffle>.  I am so proud of her!! 

Gary was lucky enough to get a trainer right off the bat.  On a forum that we are on - there are folks just waiting for a trainer.  Now there were some drivers at the terminal waiting after their training for trucks... since Christmas... THAT'S a bit scary.  Figure though - he might have to wait, but I won't have to - he will already have it!!  LOL - well at least that's the plan (que God and laughter here)...

Letting go... yeah I've had to do that recently.  Things as well as people.  Such as the little one I watch and his family. I have been with them for 12 years!! That is a LONG time.  They are like family to me too.  Also activities - my business - support groups.  Well those have been put on hold I guess... and people I can still keep in touch with - its just not quite the same. 

All in all though - I am looking forward to this new 'adventure'... on the forum we are participating in we have a thread 'the Adventures of Team Klingon' - and that's what this will be - an adventure!!  I know there will be times when I'm smacking myself (and Klingon) wondering WHY IN THE HELL DID WE DO THIS - and then there will be other times when I realise - yes... THIS is why we did this!!  I'm looking forward to those times :D

Waiting for my fix...

LOL - my Gary fix :) He has been able (in the evening) to use Skype so I can catch up on his day... so I'm at work, with Skype up and running just waiting <tapping toes>...

Got some stuff done today - a good portion of stuff really.  Stuff from the apt to the house.  Setting up 'our room' - it will be almost a studio apt w/o a kitchen when I'm done. 

Maybe I will put in a coffee maker/micro wave and small fridge eventually - but not right now.  Right now I'm concentrating on getting the kids set up making sure Momma is settled.  I did call the school and let her know a tentitive date - Jan 31st... which means getting there on the 28th for a the UA and DOT physical... so those are the dates I'm aiming for.  That will have the kids in the house for almost a month. 

My head might be here in Sac, but my heart is heading out on a truck.  I find myself looking at the trucks on the road - seeing which companies run I-5.  Thankfully I see Central - so that means there is a good possibility that we will be able to 'swing' by and visit :) Maybe not as often as all of us would like - especially with a Grandchild involved (and my daughter/SIL - you guys are included in there, but you're grown up and understand why we aren't here).  I'm also imagining that I'm already driving a truck - sticking to the 55-60 mph - (that's a big change for me!!) - also turning, going deep and wide - picturing the track a trailer would take.  It is a whole new mind set that I will need to have.  Hopefully this 'practicing' will stand me in good stead for the training ahead.

Well - I'm at work now - I guess I should do some charting - LOL!  Bye for now...

Another day down...

It was weird coming home last night - no one was there... tonight will be better - the kids brought their bed stuff and have 'moved in' - well they have started at least.  They will be sleeping there - LOL!

So we are still on track for me starting school February 1st. 

Momma went to the doc today to check out her arm. There is new bone present and it isn't displaced from the last xray - so all is good there.  We are also trying out a new med to see if that helps with her 'anxiety'.  She doesn't do well when there are changes in her routine - or any changes in atmosphere.  So we are trying medication to 'take the edge' off - and see if that helps WITHOUT making her SO out of it that it would make matters worse.  Its a fine line - and medicine isn't an exact science.  Getting her settled and making sure everything is set for her is the ONLY thing I can see that might delay my schooling.  I will not leave this on Lynn/Morgan/Rene's shoulders.  I don't think Gary would want me too either, even if it meant me not teaming with him as soon as planned.

The business is taking a bit of a back seat I'm afraid.  1) I'm just not able to promote it.  2) I was so late with a shipment - I did overnight service.  Yeah THAT cost more than what the customer paid TOTAL!! 3) I have been SO busy getting the kids moved in/Gary off to training/making sure Momma is set - adding one more thing (the business) just isn't possible.  I'm meeting w/someone to go over my 'volunteer' stuff - and STILL need to go to the bank to get signature cards for Convention!!  ARG!

It is good though to stay buzy - I just hope I can get everything straighten/ready for when I do leave.  That there won't be a BIG thing I've forgotten. I will cross that bridge when I come to it though (another one of my Dad's sayings!!)

Well I'm at work now - I sure will miss the people here too.  I've been here for 13 YEARS!!  I've watched this family grow up.  The little one - I occasionally let his Mom take care of him - LOL!  Sigh... life does move on.

Funny thing about all of this - Lynn would 'joke' with us about taking care of 'her' house, since it would be her's some day - well its going to be - LOL!  The nice thing is - we are alive to see her (and her new family) enjoy it!! That is a GREAT thing!!

Blessings...

Yep its that time of year to think about the blessings that I have recieved.  A time of gratefulness and thanks - yeah Thanksgiving is another, but I'm feeling contemplative today - LOL!  I am VERY blessed.  No - I'm not monetarialy rich, I'm not fall over gorgeous, I'm not uber smart.  However I am rich with friends and family - that is something money can not buy.  We have enough money that we have a roof, food and clothing - that's more than quite a few people have.  We don't have so much that we become unmindful of money.  I'm not to hard to look at (or at least I like to think that) - and I'm getting more and more comfortable in my saggy skin :) I might not be uber smart - but I'm not dumb either.  I seem to still be able to learn (which is a good thing) and with this change in career - I will be keeping my mind active learning and doing new things!  My family though is my greatest treasure!!  Let me start with my husband - how very proud I am to be able to call him husband!  He is my 'home'.  Where I feel safe, loved and cherished.  My daughter who has grown into a beautiful woman!! I am so proud of how she is handling life.  The choices that she makes and the views that she has.  The husband that she chose (and that chose her) we are also blessed with.  One that loves and cherishes her and makes her happy... that is all we wanted for her is to be happy!  They are also blessing us with a grandchild!!  I'm happy we are still on this earth and able to see this.  We might not be in town, but we are in their lives - for that I am grateful for.  There are so many other things - I could go on and on - but I won't... at least not here.  You just might get bored - LOL!

Its good for me look on the wonderful things in life - and it warms me to realize just how many gifts God has given me.

Merry Christmas everyone - This next year I will continue this wonderful journey called life (and will
BLOG about it) - and it will mostly on the highway - LOL!

Busy - Busy :)

WOW I feel accomplished today - LOTS done!!  Still a lot more to do, but that's OK. 

Its seems like Momma is settling in - or they are getting use to her - LOL!  Visited today without letting them know I was coming (that's the way we will probably do it most of the time) and she was in the chair with 2 other ladies - chocolate on her finger (probably her calcium chew) and petting the dog.  She seemed happy just chatting away.  She didn't know who I was but giggled when I gave her a hug and kiss on the forehead. 

Preparation continues for Lynn and Morgan to move into the house.  Fence is up and the 'boys' (2 dogs) will be coming over tomorrow to check for holes - LOL!  They will have about 1/2 acre to run on - so much nicer for them than a 2 bedroom apt :)

Gary is stressed about taking the permit test tomorrow.  I know he will do fine, but that's just him.  Then I guess they will get behind the wheel.  I can't wait until it's my turn!!  I"ve been trying to drive the pickup with an imaginary trailer behind it... squaring the corners and such - making sure that 'trailer' doesn't hit the curbs - LOL!

Also today I have really been concentrating on eating.  Even if I wasn't hungry I MADE the time to eat something before I came to work.  I had my 2 scoops in the AM.  Then for lunch I had a mini quiche my daughter made up... that was tasty!! Now here at work - 1 apple w/peanut butter - 3 string cheeses - and I have a small serving of meat loaf to go.  I purposely chose the peanut butter and the cheese because I know they are calorie rich foods.  So I figured that I would at least get calories - plus the cheese and peanut butter have 'some' protein... and the meat loaf is almost all protein - so I'm making sure I get that and my vits in FOR SURE!  Oh and lets not forget fluids!!  It was 'nicer' in a way when I didn't HAVE to think about what I ate.  Of course that is how I got to be 320# too.  So I guess I will take being uber aware of my intake to keep what I have lost - LOL - if that makes sense :)

Spinning wheels...

My brain is spinning and I can't go back to sleep... Momma woke up at 4 - did the bed/diaper change and couldn't go back to sleep.  I would have been up again if I had though because she was up again at 5 - LOL.  Its now 6 and I'm thinking MAYBE I could lay back down and doze, because its going to be a LONG and active day - with bunches of emotions happening for ALL of us (except Momma - but she will probably sense the emotions of everyone else).  I need to keep thinking with my head though - and make sure Gary does to.  If my heart starts thinking too much, it just might put a spanner in the works.  I KNOW we are doing the right thing (no matter how much it hurts)... just like when you have to discipline your child.  You know you have to do it for the good of the child - but your heart doesn't want the child to hurt - but you know in the long run it's better for the child to do it, than not.  Not that we are disciplining Momma - but in the long run it is better for her - but harder for us.  I don't know if that makes sense or not - like I said my brain is spinning.  Well I'm going to attempt to lay back down for what ever time I get... even if its just to snuggle up to Hubby... won't be able to do that after 3 weeks - at least for a couple months that is.  It will be the LONGEST we have been apart since we got married.  Even with him being an O/O before - he was only gone for maybe a month at the longest (during his training w/John).  There wasn't the internet/cell phones then (and I won't be raising a toddler) - so I'm hoping it will be easier this time.

And so it begins...

Gary is off taking his drug test and getting his second physical in a month.  When we were headed this direction he got a DOT physical done... then found out that the school/company do their own (to make sure the other doc didn't just 'sign off' on things) so the recruiter says... and you know you can ALWAYS trust the recruiter to tell you the truth :) Ours seem to do OK though - plus since Gary has driven before we have SOME idea what we are heading into - him better than me, but I'll learn.  This is really going to happen!!  There are so many emotions going on though.  My head knows that we are doing the best thing for Momma - as I'm scooting around the house (well typing right now) and she is parked in front of the TV as a Momma sitter.  That doesn't do anything for the social interaction.  She gets bored and we just can't sit there and 'entertain' her.  My heart though is going through a rough patch.  So is Gary's.  We both wanted to take care of her until she didn't need it any more - but in reality - that isn't a possibility.  Now not only will we not be doing it personally, but we won't even be in town!!  I know (in my head) that we are doing everything we can to make sure we find a GOOD place and we have people we love and trust in town for her. My heart though feels like we are abandoning her.  That's not a fun feeling.

To concentrate though on the good feelings though... the fence (to seal the back yard for Lynn and Morgan's dogs) is going in.  Sunday Momma will be moving into her new place - Monday Gary starts school - 6 days a week for 3 weeks... then off to 'training'... so I have 3 more weeks to get my HUGS in. 

I am so proud though of my daughter and her husband.  They are really stepping in and shouldering a lot!  Yes they are getting a lot - but still.  They could have said no, but they didn't.  Doing this the home and property will stay in the family and we will have a place to come back to.  They won't be doing it ALL alone, but its very different when we aren't just right down the street. I'm just glad they have invented the internet and cellular phones :)  I'm wanting them to feel that this is their HOME. When we took over the old house, I never did any of my OWN changes.  I regret that.  It will be hard to 'let go' the 'let them' - I did have some visions where I wanted to take the house - but time and money played their part and now this is happening. 

So now I need to get ready to go to work - Gary is on his way back from the stuff he needed to do.  Tomorrow is our Monthly Breakfast we have been doing for YEARS - it will be a 'goodbye' there - but we have one of our favorite waitresses on FB so can keep in touch - LOL!  Well bye for now...

Walls

This has been such an emotional time (for the whole family, not just me) and for the most part my 'walls' have been intact.  Its a defense mechanism that I inherited from my childhood - I can place walls around things in my mind. (not always a good thing) Such as emotions and fears.  It helps me remain distanced from the situation and 'functional'.  Last night one of my walls crumbled - I was at the new home we were vetting for Momma and I was discribing one of the times Momma became 'agitated' - it was my fault because I was impatient with her - anyway - I almost lost it while I was talking about it.  You know when the wall crumbles it is really hard to build it back up again.  Another chink came out of the wall came today - we took Momma to the home we are hoping she is going to - and to watch her there with the other LOL (Little Ol' Ladies) and interact and feel comfortable enough to doze in her chair - it did a heart good!! At the same time though - there is a feeling that we are abandoning her... In my head I know we aren't - in my heart though I hear the echo of the promises made that "we will always take care of you - you will always be 'HOME'".  Sigh - I have to keep in my mind the picture she made talking and interacting with the other ladies and remember that she didn't have that at 'HOME'.  I have to remember she is in a place that will take good care of her and that there are two people that will be making sure of that since we won't be close by!! 

I'm afraid I haven't done as much with the business during all of this.  For that I appoligize.  I know folks understand, but I still feel bad.  Once things 'settle' a bit, we will get into a new routine.  So hang on - we aren't going anywhere (well the business isn't that is - LOL)

Scattered

This is going to be short and scattered - warning in advance!!  I am exahasted (and spell checker I don't think is working on this new computer so - oh well) - Gary and I looked at 4 homes for Momma today - like two of them.  Took BFF Rene and daughter Lynn over for their opinions and they saw totally differnet things than what Gary and I did... SO glad - they liked our number 2 better and after seeing it in their eyes - I agree.  Now if they will take Momma - we are taking Momma over there tomorrow so they can meet each other - hopefully it will be a match.  Please pray for us - ALL of us.  So many fears and uncertainties - we try to plan ahead as much as possible, but life is not a guarentee of anything.  My mind is so numb and overwhelmed right now - even though we have the night off from Momma I just hope I can sleep. 

Stuff getting done!!

Sigh... Momma in the hotel and we are getting stuff done!  Well maybe not as much as we could have, we played a little bit; but we were just enjoying the day - being able to walk at a normal pace - not having to be aware of the toddler and concider anything and everything that would effect her - not having to change but one 'diaper' today (love that one) - and tonight being able to sleep WITHOUT having to be hyperaware of sounds (such as the bell on the bedroom door).  Tomorrow we go look at 3 different 'homes'.  They are smaller, and will hold 6-8 residents.  I'm so glad that this option is available!!

We did make a purchase that I needed, but cringe at spending money.  Its a new laptop.  Before the truckdriving leap of faith, we were trying to 'revamp' the computer that Momma was using for solitare (until she forgot what a computer was) - it was having ALL types of problems.  Needless to say just as we get it up and running - we leap!!  Well I can't take a desk top in a truck, and I still want to run the business - plus our own household stuff - so I can't use a little netbook like Gary has for just web and email.  I need to run Quickbooks (it uses more memory than available on the netbook) - so we went for a basic/basic laptop, with just enough memory RAM to run QB.  (that's what I'm using to BLOG now) So I will be able to do all household stuff on this AND take it with me.  OH I have skype on this too - so if you want to skype me I'm ladyklingon :) I'm trying to stay intouch with everyone on Facebook - but the forums I'm not doing so good at.  Since my attention has drifted from Bariatric reading to Trucking reading I have been on a Trucking forum.  I need that info for the 'change' of careers.  I will try to touch back frequently to the WLS forums - though, I need THAT support and reinforcement too.

I have been (with all that is going on) loosing more weight.  I was holding steady there at 165ish for the longest time.  OK 165 to 161 (which was my lowest) - however this morning 158!! I feel fine - Gary says I don't look to thin - my body dismorphia fear is that I might get too thin and not recognise it!!  I know in my head that I'm now 'thin' but sometimes I don't FEEL it.  Its getting better though - I'm using that voice in my head to tell me I am - LOL!

Things be changing....

Case in point - the name of the blog.  I took out the 'Bariatrics' because even though I will still be in business for some products I won't be 'expanding' for a while... I'm going to maintain what I have and the services I have (delivery) and will be getting use to doing that from the road and having the kids help locally. 

I'm also 'letting go'... its a nice/scary feeling.  Letting go of what??  Possessions that is.  When I'm looking at what I want to keep I start thinking 'will I want that in my room' (Momma's old room) and do I want to hang onto it for a couple years for when Gary and I aren't long hauling anymore... but I'm expecting to do this for 10+ years or so.  So I'm becoming 'detached'.  Its hard to decide which momento I want to hang onto, because there are so many 'things' we have hung onto. I also don't know what type of stuff the kids will want to use/keep - but I'm going to leave that up to them... figure we are as far away as a phone call and email - its not like we are dying!! 

One thing that is going to be hard - if/when Lynn and Morgan have kids - I will be on the road.  I want to be here for them.  I want to be able to hold my grandchild BEFORE they learn to hold their head up - I want to smell that newborn hair smell - and I want them to burp all over me <mushy stuff I know> but that goes with burping them and having them fall asleep on you... such a trusting/calm/loving/protective time - sigh - <saying in a granny voice> I remember when Lynn was that age!!!

So that is what is happening in my life right now - just got back from a Support Group.  One I can attend because they are on the weekend.  I will miss the face to face support - I have enjoyed that. Maybe when we are on the road - we might be able to meet up with other folks and have a 'rolling' support system - that would be way cool!!

Blessings and Challenges

THE BLESSINGS

This is almost like a reverse dasha vue (or however you spell it)... about 1987ish Momma refinanced her house (we took over payments and moved in) and bought a motor home to go 'traveling' in. Which she did for a couple years - more like 2 long trips... then with the price of gas etc she decided to park it - and it became her home.  She parked it in the 'driveway' and it stayed there ever since.  Until today that is.  Today that motor home is no longer on the property!! Today reminded me so much of when we moved into Momma's house.  Lynn and Morgan are going to be moving into 'our house' and making it their own.  Its a happy and sad event.  Gary and I are going 'traveling' and the agreement is there will be a room for us when we decide to park the truck.  When we moved in - we filled 40 yard dumpsters FULL of stuff.  Today the yard looks totally different by the work and labor of the kids (they will always be kids to us) <3 WOW - what goes around comes around for sure.  This change in our lives will be as life changing as marriage (which has been a blessing - for I found my other half) and having a child (which is my other blessing and joy).  Yes a truck is a really small place - yes we will be moving almost continuously (7 days on for 1 day off); but we will be doing this together. 


THE CHALLENGES

One of the challenges will be giving up cooking on the road.  Sure I've heard of folks with a sm electric grill - but there isn't a whole lot you can do with those is there??  We will be living out of a truck - and truck stops.  This will make us get really creative to be able to eat healthy out there.  Also another challenge will be keeping track of the business and ordering supplies; basically letting go of some of the things I do and having someone else do them.  Then trusting them TO do them... so at this point - yes the business will stay in business.  I'm not joining Gary out on the road for at least 6 months. (health insurance has to kick in - then I have to be trained - and hopefully pass training!!) So there will be time to smooth out processes and train my local folk (my kids :) Also setting up paying bills and showing them the house maintainance stuff.  Stuff that I will need to 'let go'. Kinda hard to do - so I know I won't be perfect at it... but at least I will be away and not looking over their shoulders with the words 'you should have done <____>!!'

So anyway - back to reading a new forum - a truck driving forum - man to they talk a whole new language!!

Information overload and introducing the Bariatric Truckers :)

WOW my brain is fried!!  So much to do in so little time and details and tasks and time!!  So today Lynn and Morgan came over and Momma sat - we went to DMV and got my driving record. Over to the driving school/job recruiter and talked to her.  Then the most stressful part of the day - to a 'Skilled' facility to look at it for a possible place for Momma.  AH NO - can I just say at this point HELL NO.  I'm sure for the folk that need the place - its the perfect place for them, and it was clean, and the folks nice, but NO... she is not THAT bad yet.  So with Lynn helping me research/screen some numbers I finally talked to someone that didn't just refer me off to another number.  It appears to be an actual agency that helps folks in our possition find places for folks in Momma's possition... and they cover/deal with 4 different counties!  I told her we weren't choosy on the county - because we would not be available to visit that frequently anyway.  Since at this time I was TOTALLY stressed and was nearing my last straw (and near to tears) I think she could hear that in my voice... a lady will be coming out tomorrow to 'assess' Momma and we will go from there.

Business wise - this is what the plan is right now - the company PJ's is staying in business!!  We will stay 'on-line' and we will still have free local delivery (as well as shipping - LOL). It just won't be me making the delivery personally.  This business owner will be a Bariatric Trucker - LOL!

That seems to be the direction life is taking Gary and I right now.  This is 1) a dream we have had; that when we 'retire' in that mythical 'some day land'.  We would be truck drivers and see the US of A... well it seems like SOME DAY is coming to pass.  2) a way to save the house/property.  We weren't able to do it with Momma's income and my income alone and the job possibilites were not there in Sacramento for Gary.  Also with caring for Momma it seriously restricted what jobs and when Gary could even consider.  (I thank God that he placed me with whom I work right now... and that was 12+ years ago!  She/and the family have been wonderful and they are one of the things I will truly miss. I will visit though and there is always FaceBook - LOL) 3) Lynn and Morgan's lease on their apt is up really soon - they were trying to figure out which way to go next because their apt complex is - lets just say, not the best and leave it at that... plus with 2 dogs, places are hard to find.  I really think that this will work out all the way around.  It might have a rocky start - where we figure out where/what/when/who and stuff - but I think it will work... So the eventual plan (and with that word God starts laughing) is... Gary and I will be OTR (over the road) long haul team drivers - Momma will be cared for in a facility that will offer her socialization that we could not do and 24/7 care - Lynn and Morgan will have a house (with a room set aside for Gary and I when we are in town) to live in and our home will be cared for and will remain within the Johnson family!!  Win/Win/Win...

Boy when they said WLS was a journey - this is one road I didn't expect to go down!!  Speaking of down, I broke the 160# mark (159.6)... not intentionally though.  What with the stress, fever (which is getting better) and such - just haven't been 'hungry' - even at work which is really weird.  I usually tried to shove food in my face even when I'm not hungry and I'm not... <start Twilight Zone music here>

So now you are all caught up in what has been spinning my mind - and it has helped just putting in type... so I'll type more later :)

Change is brewing...

And what that change will be I'm not sure.  You know the old saying when it rains it pours - we it sure as shit does!!  Yep I cussed - because damn it I feel like cussing right about now - LOL - OK I feel better :)  My head is going around in so many circles - I'm not sure which way the wind is coming from - but I'm going to trust in God!!  He hasn't failed us yet - but he sure has surprised us a few times!! 

A touch of history here - way back when, my Dad had a stroke.  My sister cared for him for as long as she was physically able to (not sure of the 'lesson' God was sending her), then Dad moved back to his house and we (Gary and I) moved out of our home (Leaving Lynn at age 18 taking care of the house. What a way for someone that age to learn what its like to live on their own with the safety net of Mom and Dad near by) and moved in with Dad to care for him until he needed to move to a skilled facility.  That timing was just right to sell his home at the top of the housing market. (All of this brought the three sisters closer together - which even to this day we enjoy a closer relationship than we had for YEARS before) Things went on and Mom passed and the estate closed.  With the gift that my parents left us we were able to build the home we are in now (With a second 'Master' for Momma) - on the same property Gary grew up on. (The timing here was impeccable!! Momma was at a point where she could NOT live on her own anymore and the 'motorhome' she was in was unlivable)  So now it seems we are at another crossroads...

It is a fact that IF she has to have a pin placed (especially if under general anesthesia) her Alzheimer's will go FULL BLOWN - and no she isn't full blown right now.  IF she doesn't need surgery - she will still be needing more care that I/we can give.  Gary is out of work and for him to get a job - we can't take care of her.  Especially as he will most likely be going back to truck driving.  So what ever is decided tomorrow at the Ortho Specialist - something will be changing soon...

So if you are a praying type of person - please pray for us - that what ever is blown our way is meant to be... Thank you!!

Distance...

Distance is so frustrating!!  I had a chance for some overtime work doing a night shift - I took it - and what happens when I'm 25 miles away? Momma decides to wander down the hall way at 5 am (needless to say - not for the first time last night) and just as Gary gets to her, she stumbles and falls into the wall.  Yeah she's fine - bumped her elbow (who said it was a funny bone!!) but there is no way I can leave work to help him pick her up!!  Plus even if I could have left right then it would have taken me 30 minutes (pretending to drive the speed limit) to get home. She refused/didn't understand to get to her hands and knees - he tried a gate belt (a wide belt used in skilled nursing facilities to 'grip' patients and help with transfers) - just couldn't get her up - so called EMS.  She is back in bed and won't remember any of this in a few minutes.  The frustration I feel at not being there to help though will stick around for a while!!  God bless my husband - and of course during this time (as he tells me) she is asking for 'her son'. When he says 'Mom I am your son', she replies 'I thought I had a good son'... If she had any clue as to how good a son she has!!!  Of course if she had any clue she would be mortified at her actions and responses.  Some times the repeated example of the person we have already lost is just ONE of the hardest things about this disease.  Yeah sure - Momma's body is still here.  She moves, talks and poops - but WHO she was isn't here anymore.  That 'who' has gradually left, and on very rare occasions will we see glimpses of her.  Those occasions thought are almost zilch at this point though.

An off the wall thought we have had - and a dream in a way... We always thought it would be cool that 'when' we 'retire' we would become 'team' drivers and drive truck across country.  That might come to pass.  Gary is looking into every avenue to getting a job (he even applied as a used car salesman!!) and truck driving is something he use to do and enjoyed.  IF he does that though - Momma would not be staying at home anymore - she would need to go to a 'hotel' full time.  Especially if he got a job that wasn't a set time frame - and I don't see that happening as a new hire.  He would get the scutt jobs and I don't think they would be the 'choice' hours.  There would be a 'few' considerations before I became a driver - such as health insurance and who would take care of the house or run the business that I started (not that there are a lot of customers - but I do have a few!!) - who knows what will be in a year though - I never thought I would see below 200 pounds again and here I am - time will tell and I will trust in God!!

Thanksgiving

Well today is Thanksgiving and it has been a great day so far... Its been quiet with none of the usual hustle and bustle that usually goes with doing something with a large group of people.  There are times that all the chaos is fun, but dealing with an Alzheimer person - calm is so much better.  It is definitely a change from other years.  We would go over to a family friends house (friend of the family for longer than Gary and I have been married - so basically they're family).  There would upwards to 25-30 people... adults and kids - it was scattered chaos - but fun!!  If we had tried to do that today it would NOT have been fun - for her or for us.  I posted that I wasn't going to be on FB - and that has been a bit hard.  I'm almost addicted to knowing what is happening it everyone out there - LOL - but I've been good.  Gary is having his quiet time in the office - and I have my laptop out in the front room w/Momma - just sitting and watching TV.  Lunch turned out AWESOME if I do say so myself!!  Cooked a 16# turkey (yes just for the 3 of us) and we will have left overs for DAYS!!  I also baked then mashed some sweet potato/yams, mixed w/Whey Low Gold and real BUTTER <he-he> Then did up a green bean casserole using the Frenches Onions; however I didn't have the 'regular' ones just the cheddar flavored ones - YUM!!  Then the 'can' of cranberry sauce - I ran out of time to make up the bag I bought - the turkey cooked faster than I thought it would - didn't stuff it this year.  Then warmed up a bun or two for Momma. Oh and I also did up gravy - and I didn't burn it - it even tasted good - LOL!  I also tweaked a family favorite - Apple Crisp - my grandmother taught me how to make it - and so I can't wait to dig into it!! I love cooking - its relaxing to me - especially if it turns out well - and I'm impressed with how things turned out today, and I had a blast!!  Gary did clean up while I made the mess - nothing is sexier than a man with dishpan hands <just saying - wink wink>  Well I'm going to continue to relax and pretend the rest of the world isn't out there today... I must admit though - I'm glad I see my daughter and her husband weekly or I would seriously be missing them today... but I know they are starting out their own lives and traditions - and I'm happy for them :)

Thanksgiving is also suppose to be a holiday - originated by George Washington if I remember correctly - as a time for all Americans to be thankful to God.  I am very thankful this year - and I thought I would make a list:

I'm thankful for my faith - I don't always practice it like I should, and I doubt when I shouldn't - but I know that God is there and loves me anyway - with all my faults and doubts. Some how he will provide - but it will be HIS way.
I'm thankful for my husband - he is my HOME - no matter what building we put our stuff - he is home.  He protects me and comforts me.  I have well and truly blessed when God put him in my life.
I'm thankful for my health - that is one thing money CAN NOT buy.  The surgery that I had last year has given me a chance to do better and change what I can.  We will let God decide the rest :)
I'm also thankful for my friends - both the ones from my youth, the ones I have had through the years and also new ones.  Each one of you bring a special seasoning to my life that brightens the flavor of the day. (Ooo that sounds so impressive and philosophical) - but its true!!  Each interaction whether it be on Facebook, BLOGS or in person brings something to my life.  A glimpse into someone else's triumphs or fears.  Information they have had the time to look up that I haven't.  I am blessed anyway you look at it.

I loose sight of that sometimes - I look at the bad stuff and get so caught up in my own mouse trap that I forget just how much I DO have.  I'm glad I have taken the time today to really THINK about the blessings in my life and be truly THANKFUL!!