Introducing BUDDY

Let me introduce you to Buddy (well at least a picture of him)... I never thought I would be a 'dog' person, but he is growing on me. I think that is the only place he is growing - LOL!  He weighs MAYBE two pounds soaking wet.  He is now basically potty trained - or maybe we are trained to recognise his 'signals'.  We are also 'legal' with Central.  They now have a 'pet policy' and we are compliant with that... all $500 worth!! (ouch)

Not going to do a long blog tonight... I'm 'computered' out!!  Got a lot done though... at least I think so.  Still trying to get my bills set up so I don't forget any, and they all get paid on time.  Started the new bank account ( for the LLC ) and now get to figure out how we are going to get paid in a timely manner. Before we would just transfer from one account to another, now its a bit more complicated. Getting pay from one bank to another!  Sigh... I'll get it though... I'm determined!!

Gary has been in the kitchen all day - and it smells really good!  BIG pot of spaghetti sauce, and boiling peanuts.  Yep - we stopped, bought raw peanuts and he's a boiling them. 

We also got to see Lynn today on her way to work and will again tomorrow for breakfast.  The weather isn't co-operating though to see Morgan and Eddie - but there is always next week.  We'll send squeezes with Lynn for those two.

The new lane is still going good.  Steady miles, and we sort of know where we are going to be, and when.  We are getting to know the people at the various locations, and they are getting to know us. There are a few tweaks I would love to make, but compared to how things were when we were OTR and not getting home for months at a time - I'll take it!!

So I'm going to sign off for the night - have some adult beverage, watch SOA, have a friend over for dinner - shower, sleep - then do it all again - LOL!

PS... I am now back down under 200!!  Really was getting concerned about that.  Found that if I 'munched' on sliced meats and cheeses and veggies - it was MUCH better than nuts!! Now to try to increase the protein shake intake - that might cut down even more from the cheese consumption... next after that to work on is coffee and exercise... maybe - LOL!

Finally!!

Whew - finally getting to do a 'good' post.  Things that are going right (in my way of thinking) in my life. Yeah I know all the hardships and stresses were right for the time as well, but that was in God's eyes, and he doesn't let me see through those.

So WAY back in 2009, when times were starting to slide down, I tried to do a loan modification (when they first came out) and I fought with them for a YEAR AND A HALF to try to get it done.  Needless to say, it was a 'learning' experience!! Well time went on and we pinched and pulled - robbed Peter to pay Paul and we scaped by.

More changed and we had try the 'modification' again. I stalled and stalled (bad experience last time, didn't want to do that again!!) and then we actually GET a call asking us if we wanted to refinance!!  I was very skeptical at first, but we tried... and it went though!!  Our intrest rate went from 6.5% to 4%... and it dropped our mortgage down a decent chunk of change.  Now maybe even Peter will get some now!!

We are also on a new dedicated fleet. The Cafe' Valley one was nice, but we just didn't seem to be able to get the miles others were getting.  Plus with things changing at home (Daughter and family were able to purchase their own 'first' home) we needed to be able to get home more frequently. The fleet we are on now (UNFI), we get 'home' weekly!!  We have also arrainged for others to swing by the house and check on things and our neighbor is doing an awesome job on our yard!!

It has been nice to have a 'home' to come home to.  Sure the 'house' was there, but we had told the kids to 'make it theirs'... so it wasn't our 'home' anymore. Now it is turning back into our 'home'. There is still stuff to straighten out, but that will come with time.

We also have a new family member!!  His name is Buddy.  He is a tiny Chiuhaha (or however you spell it)... We met him before he even had his eyes open and fell in love.  He was born Aug 6th so is now almost 3 month old.  It is a challenge in the truck for potty - there isn't always a place to stop when he needs to 'go'... but we supplement with potty pads and toss them if they get used.  He is adapting well, and is a much needed stress reliever and comic.

Eating wise we are getting into a better routine.  Sliced meat and cheese roll ups for 'munchies' while we are driving (going to add some sliced/chunked veggies now I have a counter to prep them on) and 'cooking' a meal in the evening - we stop long enough to eat, then switch drivers. Kinda hard for the one hitting the sack - especially if they ate too much (raising hand), but this journey - weight loss surgery, career change - is such a learning experience all the way around!!

I miss doing things with my daughter, and now her family.  I miss my friends that I was able to visit with and not have to worry about time. I miss being able to relax after work and kick back on the couch and do nothing. All in all though, I still am glad I'm doing this :)

What a ride!!

Whew... This has been and continues to be quite a ride! It was nice while we were running, and we had actually paid off a CC and almost another... Then there were homes times, and repairs at home... Then there were break downs and added expenses... Talk about a roller coaster!! Trough it all though, there has been one constant... My Faith and my Husband.  I am so very glad I'm not on this ride on my own.  I have Faith that all these bumps and pit falls are in our way for a reason.  Maybe to teach patience? Or to make us lean on him? Or maybe to get us to appreciate what we HAVE already, and to realize just what is important in life.  Family, friends, health, joy, laughter, beauty in the little things... Things you can't get with money...

Then there is my husband... Who  not only is my other half, he is my rock and soft place to fall.  During this adventure ride, we have been this for each other.  I can't picture myself doing this without him, or being separated from him while he's out on the road, and me being at the house. He tempers me, and I spur him on.  It's a good mix :)

So the plan right now is to get this truck (which is now running at this time) into SLC for either repairs, or to get a new truck.  Not sure which way we want to go... If we get a new truck, then there will be a fresh warrantee, but bugs to be worked out... With this truck, there weren't any serious bugs, but we can't afford any more down time. Or we get a loaner truck (which isn't 'home') and run while this truck is in the shop... Then get this one back, but the miles on it means the warrantees are going to start falling off... If we do the new truck, that means a new three year commitment. Yeah sure, we 'can' get out of it, but that's not us... If we commit, we do everything possible to stick with it, even to our detriment sometimes! So on our way to SLC doing a lot of praying and talking... Not sure which way we want to go... Not sure what options will be on the table either.

Well, I guess we better get moving... Need to get the trailer washed out, then over to our pick up... Bye for now :)

Lord... Seriously??

Just how much are you going to send our way? What is it we are not getting? We are doing the best we can, working as hard as we can... And even pushing ourselves further than we should at times!  I'm placing it all in your hands right now... It is too much for us...  HELP!!


Ok... I'm feeling better... Thanks...

LOL... Sigh...

And the adventure continues... Now our fuel gauge isn't working... Ask me how I know... Go on, ask... Because it says we have 3/4 full and they are bone dry!! We are sitting along the road waiting on a service truck for fuel and to prime it!! Sigh... There goes another chunk of change... But it will get us free showers at a TA of our choice!! LOL!! 

P.S.  Running out of fuel is something you are suppose to say happened to get out of being late on curfew... Not to actually DO it!!

Road blocks...

No not literally, but boy have we stumbled across some recently!

First, on our FIRST load with the new fleet, our truck developed a really not so nice problem... Fluids were going where they didn't belong.  Coolant in the fuel, and fuel in the coolant... Second, the nearest place is the same one that kept us with the power steering repair (which still isn't working quite right) and I swore that we would NEVER go back there... (never say never...sigh) So it takes them a week to fix it, and we are at the house... Finally pick up our truck, loading it with our food/clothes and stuff and notice some fuel in our coolant, and coolant in our fuel again!! We are HOT... We take the truck BACK in and they say that we will need to run the truck to clean out the coolant from the fuel, and the fuel we see in the coolant is just the 'flush'... GRRR... Ok ... We will 'trust' you... So we get our load and take off... Whew! Back on the road... Doing good!! Get to our delivery, and then we sit.... We are picking up in the same place, but because they took so long to unload us, we are now late for our pick up! Didn't get out of there until 8 hrs PASSED our pick up time... So needless to say we were going to be late to our delivery... Then to make us even later... We develope a fuel leak!!  We were having to drain the fuel filters to clear them of the coolant (like they told us to do) and because of that one of the gaskets gave way... Didn't notice it until after three hours of driving I had to pee... Got out, smelled diesel but I stopped at a truck stop, thought nothing of it... Got back to the truck and there was a BIG ASS PUDDLE of fuel dripping from the complete underside of the truck!! So needless to say, that needed to get fixed... So after a tow, part running and labor costs (about $900+) we lost a day running... N Ow we are in So. Cal and delivered and picking up at the same building... Then back up to Rocklin... So yeah... A few road blocks, but we jumped over them and are still going... I must admit, one of the nice things (so far) about this new run... No dead head miles for this loop!! Now to see how that looks on the statement ;)

Down, but not out!

Seriously??  I mean really??

We just got assigned a new fleet - the circut one that will bring us home weekly - and how do we start out?  By having to put our truck in the shop!! OMG - what a way to make a first impression...

So we had time off for our Grand's first birthday, that was extended due to the shop we took our truck to; and guess where we had to take our truck THIS time??  Yep - same place I vowed to never take the truck to again... sigh... So Friday we took it in - found out it would be at LEAST Wednesday until we got it back (holiday weekend and all) - and if we don't have it back then, we just might miss out on another run east and back.

There is also a bunch of 'short timers' attitude here at home. The kids are excited (and rightly so) about their new home. With plans and dreams.  We are making plans on how to keep our home and are looking forward to being able to be here weekly; and maintaining, cleaning and just being the way we want it. The kids are right - it just wasn't working out the way it was before.  Different focuses and priorities.

So send prayers that they get the truck all put back together and running tomorrow, so we can go get an empty trailer and be ready for Friday!!  Please let there be a load as well! If not - we will be in some serious deep doo doo...

Change...

Change is usually a good thing... At least I'm hoping so.  We had a decision to make and it had to be a yes from both of us.  We have been having problems with the fleet manager/driver manager we have been with since she took over... Trust and attitude... BIG things when working together. Due to things that had happened, and are happening, we have little to no trust in our current DM.  So we had a decision to make... Leave Central, leave our current fleet, or stay with what we know and put up with it... Well leaving Central was TOO big of a leap, and we do have a contractual commitment with the lease (even though yes we COULD get out of it if we wanted or needed to go that far). Staying with the current situation also we just couldn't handle. So when an opportunity presented itself we had to decide to take it or not. Well we decided to try it. It's a new dedicated fleet just starting up.  It will be going from CA to FL to GA then back to CA.  Bonus is that the spot in CA is 20 miles away from home... So that means we can be at the house weekly!! Not a bunch of time, but still home! That is one of the biggies. The second is consistent miles... Sure the same lane might/and probably will get boring, but looking at the larger picture, it will be an income we can depend on!! AND more consistent miles than what we are doing now!! We had invested so much time and energy into our previous dedicated fleet, and gotten to know the client and had plans thought out for the future... However I still think this will be a better move for us, especially at this time.  Time will tell though... But I have HOPE!!

Hope and a prayer...

What powerful tools God has given us! This morning I was spiraling into my well... and not finding any place for calm or reflexion.  There is no place of sanctuary for me (or so I felt) here.  I put on FB the request for prayers - non specific, he (God) knows of my thoughts and struggles and he provided.

Got to visit with my sisters!  That is the help he provided me with today.  There he showed me love and the power of hope.  One of my sister's is battling her second fight with cancer... she has been reading a book called "A Cup of Hope", by Emilie Barnes.  In that book she shared a portion that hit just the right spot today.  It can pertain to not only her situation, but any struggles we find ourselves in... such as I was feeling this morning.  Here is the section we read:

   And never underestimate the endurance requird to keep on hoping over the long haul.  Fatigue and despair so often walk hand in hand. When you get really tired, the tendency is to give up on hoping.  To focus only on your aching feet and burning muscles, losing sight of where you're walking and why.
   But here's the other side of the connection between hope and strength that makes it all work.
   Yes, hope requires strength -- sometimes all thes strength you can muster. But hope also gives you strength.  Hope energizes. Hope moves you forward.  When you dare to hope, you can do so much more than you ever thought.
   And yes, hope requires courage -- but hoping can make you brave.  It makes the sacrifices seem worthwhile.
   And hope certainly requires endurance.  But  hope helps you endure.  Hope will carry you farther through suffering and trials than almost any quality.  For hope is often the thing that kicks in to endure when physical, emotional, and mental strength is gone.  It's one of those seemingly fragile qualities that endure when more robust attitudes have failed.
   The poet Emily Dickinson once suggested that hope is a "thing with feathers" that keeps on singing no matter what happens.  I think of it more like a monarch butterfly or a hummingbird -- those seemingly delicate little creatures that migrate millions of miles a year, flying through rain, wind, and snow to reach their destination.  It may seem fragile, but it's enduring. And it's brave. And therefore it's remarkably strong.
   And here's the truth that makes it all work: We're not expected to come up with the strength and courage and endurance on our own.  In fact, we're not espected to be strong at all.  We get ouor strong hope, our courageous hope, our enduring hope, by depending in the Lord, who is our strength.
   But it doesn't just come to us by sitting there, waiting to be strong so we can move forward in hope.  the way it usually works is that we just start doing what we thing God wants us to do, tructing that we will be given the strength we need when we need it.  Like the hummingbird or the monarch, we just start doing what we need to do. 
  That's when the power of the Lord kicks in, and hope starts to sing.


Hope is always stronger than you think.  Trust it -- and you will find the strength and courage you need.

Such good and timely words.  Words I so needed to hear today... So the prayer that was sent out earlier, harvested the HOPE I feel right now...

Thank you Lord - and my sisters for being the answer to my earlier prayers :)

Playing in each others minds...

It amazes me at times how a like we (Gary and I) think... We see something along the road and one says something about it, and the other is like - that's what I was thinking!! I think it has even gotten more pronounced now that we are living/working in such close proximity.  I must admit - being able to tolorate each other; while living in a walk in closet; was one of my concerns in becoming a truck driver.  We did have a few clashes when we first started and still occasionally bump heads (figuratively and literally - LOL) but nothing major... and usually when we have been running hard and are tired/stressed.  So it would have happened if we were on the road or not.  I am glad we are doing this - finacially - well at least the house hasn't been forclosed on... but because we went 'lease' and have had down/home time, things  could have been better.  Food and weight wise - we are doing 'ok'... still working with the head hunger - because I KNOW I don't need as many calories as what I'm eating - but I LIKE eating - LOL!  So we are doing more salads and veggies - less tortillas with peanutbutter and bananas (yes that was our breakfast of choice for quite a while)... Having a refrigerator and ways of cooking on the truck has been a real blessing!!  I don't think we would have made ANY money if we had to purchase food from the truck stops/restaurants.  You could eat healthy (for the most part) but the cost!!  Of course that's the same thing if we were 'home' - going  out to eat or fast food.

So right now we are heading into Salt Lake City, then heading to Phoenix, AZ and from there Maryland and New Jersey... Still planning on some home time for our Grand's first birthday and depending on how things are there - one of us might go solo while the other deals with some things at the house... Got to make that least payment!!  So any one reading - IF you are thinking of going lease - AND you have family/house etc... think very carefully!!  With hind sight I wish we had stayed company, but we needed the flexability of leasing - so we made the best decicion we could at the time... sigh... and so we roll on :)

Almost rolling again...

Sigh... It's been a long week. Good, in that we got to visit with family... Bad due to the AMOUNT of time we needed to take off and the reason for the home time. I wouldn't have passed up the time with family though. Going to try to have some Miller side visit time before we leave. Gary is just finishing up with the mailing of death certificates; and I'm sure there will be other little details that we will remember once we get back out on the road. Our next scheduled time home is for Eddie's first birthday... We were going to be here a full week, but now not sure how long we will be able to afford... Then winter will be starting... So the next scheduled home time after that will be over Christmas probably. Other than those 'plans' we will be flying by the seat of our pants... LOL!

Rest in Peace Momma...

We got a call yesterday that Momma had passed. It's was sort of expected at some time, but it's never 'expected'. She was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's disease, not knowing anyone any more... Also non ambulatory since she broke her hip. The call came as we were near our Salt Lake City terminal, and I must say the weekend DMs were great. No questions asked, just OK drop the trailer and since there wasn't a load heading west we are now bob tailing 650 miles to Sac... The benefits of leasing :/ no idea how long we will be there, or what all needs to be done... Bless you Momma... You are and will be missed!

Damn, Damn and Double Damn...

So frustrated with myself... Health Insurance... one of my major concerns and sticking points... we were getting COBRA but due to not getting mail the way I'm use to (hard to get it delivered to the truck) and having a system of filing and reminders etc... I missed a payment - and the amount due had changed - so there was a pending balance which didn't get paid - well through all that gobbily goop - needless to say we now are flying without a net!!  This will make it SO very hard to get insurance because we are not at this time covered by insurance... also with our 'history' of gastric bypass we have a 'pre-existing' condition. I was already having fits trying to find 'affordable' insurance with that!!  Sigh...

Yeah - bad point about living in a truck - staying on top of what bills are and what needs to get paid.  So totally frustrated - but I guess to look at the 'bright side' - I now have the funds available to pay the student loans I haven't been able to pay - which are now over the amount we paid for our first home!! 

Other than these and other concerns at 'home' - things are going well - LOL!  Yeah - just got to take it a day/minute at a time... if I don't, I would go crazier than I am now :)

Faith, Family, Friends and Attitude!!

All so very important!

It so amazes me what can be accomplished with that combination. Faith - to trust that what is meant to be, will happen.  Even if its not what you want or expect - it will, in the long run, be what needs to be.  Family - Growing up my family was 'different' - not in the usual 'different' as in divorce or anything like that. Different in that my Mom, while there, really wasn't 'there'; but my sisters filled that void as I was growing up. However - as I married and had a family of my own; it showed me the importance of 'family'.  My MIL took me under her wing, my husband is not only my husband, but also my best friend. My daughter is my treasure and my grandson my joy... Friends (both in person and virtual) give laughter and support. Companionship and comoradery (however you spell that)... However attitude is also so very important.  You can have Family and Friends all pulling for you - you can have faith - but the power of the mind is AMAZING!!  You can talk yourself into being sick - you can talk yourself into depression - it can even work the other way around.  Sure, somethings it might not work on - you can't talk yourself out of a broken bone - but you can decide not to let it bring you down. Yeah - I know - easier said than done... and I don't do it that well myself... but it is with faith - that I believe everything will turn out OK...

What brought all this on??  My sister 12 years ago was diagnosed with breast cancer - she battled it and survived!!  At the time the diagnosis was very bad, but with her faith, family, friends and attitude she won.  She is now having to start the battle again - she knows how to do this - she has 'won' before and will again... I have faith!!

Time continues...

I seem to loose track of time... It all mushes together until I look back and realize just how much time has passed. Just as an idea of where we have been... 6/6 picked up in Clovis, NM ... Delivered 6/7 in Marathon, WI... PU 6/7 in Greenbay, WI & DEL 6/9 in Clovis, NM... 6/10 PU in Muleshoe, TX & DEV in Phoenix, AZ on 6/11... PU 6/11 in Phoenix, AZ to Olive Branch, MS and from there on 6/12 to Allentown, PA on 6/14... Then a short 63 mile shuttle from Jonestown, PA to Bethlehem, PA on 6/14... Then this morning we picked up in Palmyra, PA and are heading to Ogden, UT... Then we are lined up for a load from Burley, ID to AZ... WEEEEE!! Now you can see why things all merge together... It is a non-stop cycle... Sleep (or try to) drive then try to 'relax' before sleeping again... OH and somewhere in there try to do the accounting for our 'business' in a moving truck. SO glad I don't get car sick... LOL! We are really looking forward to the first week in August. We are taking a week, and this time it's not because Momma broke a hip, or needs to be placed in a facility... It's for our grandson's first birthday!! While we are there we have SO many things we want/need to do. Lord only knows if we can get it all done. I'm praying that some of the things we think we are going to need to do will already be done... That would be nice, but ... Sigh ... Other things might get in the way :/ So we will see how that goes. So right now I have about 3 hours until its my shift, so I'm going to cruise through Facebook and maybe read a page or two of my Kindle... Even though I 'should' start my battle with the mortgage company... THAT is one thing I am dreading and have been procrastinating... Even knowing I shouldn't... With that battle I will request prayers and strength!! oh and don't forget perseverance...LOL! Sigh, but to do all that, I have to at least begin...

Hormones!!

Arg - I really don't like them!!  I sure can tell when the end of the month/first of the month rolls around... not only am I looking at bills (which is depressing in its self) but every tone of voice or word said or imagined sets me spirialing down my well...  Daughter offers (since she and the neighborhood are having a yard sale) to put some of our stuff out - I'm going ok,,, I guess,,, Gary is like NO... I hear frustration in daughter's voice, because she is just being nice and thinking of us... I hear frustration in Gary's voice because we are working SO VERY hard to keep what we have and not lose what we have fought so hard to get.  Yeah I know its just STUFF but its stuff that means something - that at one time we were comfortable and successful??  Thinking about selling makes it feel like we have some how failed... and who knows, we might yet fail... fail to keep the house and or our belongings... fail to have anything to pass to our daughter and grandchild/children... fail to provide for ourselves in our 'retirement'... Damn... why do I post when I'm feeling down - LOL??  Really I'm not always this way.  There have been some really good times out here too - I do enjoy the view from my office... I do enjoy the 'freedom' although we aren't as 'free' as it appears.  Just being home for that little bit has put a kink in the bills we were trying to get paid.  I have been looking (half heartedly) for a company that would be/run more locally... but Gary doesn't like to quit... I just have no idea how we are going to be able to keep things running and afloat and maintained... sigh... I really don't like this time of the month!! Reality hits harder and is harder to ignore...

What a day...

Well we have been moving right along... We are now working off our recaps (for those of you that read this and don't truck... We are allowed to work 70 hours in an 8 day period... So as we move to the next day, more hours become available to work... However if you don't budget your time, you can spend it all at the first part of that 8 day stretch and not have the hours to work)... And that is the most efficient way to roll, but also the most wearing... Because you are constantly moving... Again, careful what you wish for!! So yesterday we were in SLC, at the terminal. We were going to get our truck inspected for UT since it is licensed there... By the time we made it to the inspection bay, the crew that could do the inspection had already left... So we wasted almost an hour and a half there... Dropped off our load and picked up our other one (in Ogden) and headed to Phoenix... Got there this morning... There is no areas at night to stop along HWY 20 or HWY 89!! Glad we have the bucket!! (sorry if TMI) So we get to Phoenix, and again, the hunt for an empty trailer... Then the OK to go in without one... So we are almost out of town heading to Ohio this time and we stop for fuel .. Both diesel and coffee... Oh and the Flying J has the BEST munching ice!!! While there I got to be 'verbally assaulted'... Basically an ignorant bully... I blogged about the detailed in a draft because it shook me enough that I was forgetting details... My hands were shaking and everything! Did not like that feeling at all!! So now we are back in the truck and heading north on I-17 (really getting to know this road well) then to 40 and 44... Our usual :) Now that I've decompressed, I need to get back to my 'office' work... Sigh... It sure was easier when I had a desk... But then I wouldn't have the views I get now :) ... Here is the one I had last night at the beginning of my drive shift in Eastern Wyoming on I-80...LINK Can't figure out how to post a picture with the iPad... So hopefully the link will work ;)

Frustrated, bored and waiting...

So we got to AZ to drop our load way early... So I tried to line up medical insurance for us, since our Cobra will be running out in a couple months. HOWEVER we have a 'pre-existing' condition of WLS. We are now healthier than we have been in YEARS, but can't get insurance in CA... But if we lived in OK we could... LOL! There is my frustration for the day. Still have more calls to make and ideas to peruse... I'll just put it on my todo list - LOL! So the bored part... While waiting, after I got disheartened about insurance, we started looking at other possible routes to our usual I-17 to I-40... There is US-60... On the Atlas it looks OK, but not highlighted as STAA... Maybe this is why... ARG! Using my IPad and can't figure out how to post a picture... GRRR! Anyway if I'm your friend on FB it's posted there... And it has one section that is very hairpin turn-ish... Not good with a LONG A$$ trailer!! Well only 40 more minutes until we can head to our delivery, to again wait... I hear this place takes HOURS... Sigh...

Back on the road again...

Yep... Back rolling then waiting... LOL! It was a productive time at home, and unplanned. We took advantage of it though :) got to squeeze the kids and the grand. Man is growing FAST! Also noticed the increased work done outside the house.. Thank you! Now we are on a mission though... To get as many miles under us (without killing us) until August when we are planning to enjoy our grand's first birthday. That is of course if God doesn't laugh at our plans again :/ he has a way of doing that! So my Mother's day gift was an iPad of my own... That way Gary can play his games and I can read. Now he is having fun trying to get the old iPad to recognize HIM as the owner and not me (how it was originally set up)... You know programs like 4square, based off of the Apple Registration. Hey it's keeping him busy and entertained (and very vocal) while we are waiting for our load time. Well just thought I would check in, say hi... And now I'm off to read my book... One of the free ones... And it's turning out pretty good :D

Fights and battles... So tired of them!

Not with the driving so much as with other things in our lives. Medi-Cal for one... Bless Gary, he has taken that battle from my shoulders! It has been 3 months so far and we might have caught a break by him actually talking to a supervisor ... At least we can hope! Then there are the weekly 'discussions' with payroll re: our settlements/detention/reimbursements etc... I wonder just how many drivers take their settlements at face value and never check? Then dealing with our DM that doesn't really communicate with us and has an attitue that can be VERY abrasive! Then there is the mortgage... I can't believe I am going to pick up that battle again and try to get the load 'modified'... It was a year and a half battle last time and they won by wearing me down... So we let everything else slide... Then the battle of juggling which bills to pay, and which not to (also known as robbing Peter to pay Paul)... and other concerns that I have to deal with internally and not talk about... Because no matter how I try to express my concerns, I get made to feel like the bad guy or tyrant or bitch... Just a sensitive issue all the way around. Then there are concerns to what will happen in the future (house maintainance/mail/bills vs. OTR trucking)... Yeah, easy to say rest it on the Lord's shoulders... But we still have to work towards a goal and plan for what we are expecting... Not knowing what his plans are going to be. All of this equals stress, frustration, pain and depression... Love my Husband... Love my family... Like my job... Just hate the battle life can be sometimes! But I guess without that battle, the good times wouldn't look so good... I just wish for more of them... Until then though, I refuse (I am my father's daughter!!) to quit!! I will keep on 'going with the flow', and will look until I find the good parts of the day. I refuse to let life get me down (for long ... LOL!)!!!

What a difference a minute can do...

So WOW - life can change in an instant... REALLY greatful it didn't today, but it could have.  We have the truck in the shop for some scheduled work.  I passed out on the bed - OK sleeping really well and deeply - so Gary went to pick up a rental car (Enterprise - they picked him up) and left me sleeping... Not even 10 minutes later I get a call - - 'Honey I've been in an accident' - - The best words came just after those words - 'I'm OK' - Thank you God!!  So I put shoes on and head 1 1/2 blocks and keep him company while a police report was done and then we head over to Enterprise... and the day continues...

So we are relaxing and taking advantage of the down time... sure we have 'wait' time when in the truck, but this is true down time... no time to have to be ready to go - except Sunday when the truck is suppose to be done. 

This downtime I think is so needed... we haven't had any since the first part of February and that wasn't really 'down' time since we were dealing with Momma stuff... I have slept on and off all day... Gary has napped and relaxed on the couch in the room.  We at first were going to go out and do 'something' - not sure what - maybe the gift Lynn gave Gary for his birthday - but just 'sitting' is feeling SO good... we might do something tomorrow - or maybe not - and even that feels good.  Oh sure there are things I 'should' do... but this just feels good to relax and 'veg' out... haven't done that in AGES!

Just think - since last June we have traveled over 174,000 miles!! Amazes me sometimes :)

Windows...

Well it looks like one door is closing, but I don't see any windows opening... Which hallway do I go down to find this window that is suppose to open?

What am I talking about?  Well it looks like we might be coming off the road... unless we decide to pack everything we want to keep in a storeroom and sell everything else.  Which at this point, I would go for, but it would just about destroy Gary I think (I could be wrong about that though).  That would take us out of most of our debt and we wouldn't have to worry about a 'place' to maintain or the bills that go with one... just a storeroom.  The hard part about that though - the place has been where he grew up, we raised our daughter, we built a new house.  We were hoping for it to be our 'nest egg' and for it to be passed down... yeah... well at this point, I don't see that happening.  However, maybe it is for the best... fresh starts and all that.  Learning how not to hang on to the past... OK - I'm trying to blow rainbows up my backside - but I have to do something or I feel like I will fall in such a slick walled well that I might not be able to get out of it.

So I'm requesting prayers for that window to have some light shining in it... so I know where to look... and until then I will just put one foot in front of the other and continue on...

Blurred...

The days all blurr together out here... there is a steady routine of wake up, drive, try to work on things, eat a meal, sleep, wake up and drive - and the cycle continues... then there is the 'wait' time for pick ups or deliveries - those times we tend to 'relax'... and so no real 'work' gets done.  However there is so much I feel like I 'should' be doing... I know, it's towards the end of the month, and this is when I 'cycle' around my well - LOL! So I'm blogging instead :)

We have been running pretty well... back and forth, back and forth... which is a good thing.  I'm really hoping this next settlement will look decent.  The last 'home time' REALLY cut a chunk out of us. 

So the tasks I'm trying to deal with are:

Health insurance - as Lease Ops we are 'self employed' so no company insurance.  We do have 'Cobra' right now, so we are under a 'qualified' insurance - but we couldn't get individual insurance right of the bat because of our 'major surgeries' in April of 2009 - we have to wait for the 3 years after - otherwise there would be 'pre-existing' conditions - sigh - so its time to start looking, because Cobra is only good for 16 months...

Momma - I need to follow up with Medi-Cal - and make sure she will be covered... how to do THAT long distance is going to be fun.

The house - need to figure out what we are going to do with the house... the kids are looking for their own place (and that is a good thing).  However we will need to think of maintainance, cost and mail - etc.

Weekly bookkeeping of truck driving - balancing the settlements, making sure we get paid for everything.

Regular monthly bill paying...

So with this going around in my head, I tend to procrastinate and let things build and build until it looks like the Great Wall of China in front of me.  What I need to do is put my big girl panties on and just DO IT!

Well time to get off line - need to fix dinner then sleep - so I can wake up to drive....

Accomplished ...

Well some what anyway... Rather proud of this 50 year old broad!! Cleaned out the front gutters... Mowed the front lawn... Dishes done... Played with my grand son... Vacuumed... Felt good to be physically active.

Lynn also made an awesome dinner... Salmon wrapped in parchment paper with seasonings, lemon, zucchini and onion. First course was a banana nut squash soup. She added rosemary as seasoning and that turned out really well! She is really doing well with the cooking.

Gary worked almost all day on taxes... Momma's are done and ours are almost there... Good news is we put enough aside!! Woo Hoo!!

Hoping to finish up with Momma's paperwork tomorrow, then pack up the truck Tuesday and head off on Wednesday... Need to make up some miles so our plan will be to push our clock ... Then take a 34 ... Then push some more!

So even with stress, some conflict and tears... This home time is doing ok...

Emotions...

This has been such a hard week... in more ways than one and on so many different fronts. Regrets and might have beens and should have dones... what would have happened if... all those questions on so many different levels.

I think we found a place for Momma - and wish we would have found it BEFORE she went to a residential care place - but we didn't have the insurance or $$ to do that... again those might haves, and should haves...

Then of course there is the $$ issues... boy could I whine about that right now! Then to top it off there are things that I just can't get into in a public forum... things that hurt so much there aren't words anyways...

One thing I do know though is my family is VERY dear to me... there are going to be tough times ahead - requesting any and all prayers that life will turn out the way God wants it to... and that it won't hurt too much more than it does right now!

Life just isn't fair!!

Nope its not... if it was God would have let us be out on the road for a while before we had to head home again. Instead we get a call that we need to find a new place for Momma... Why couldn't she have told us that when we were there!!  NOOOOooo she just had to say that she could handle Momma... GRRR!!  So here comes some more downtime - not what we needed!!  Koodows to our company though - they got us the first available load west (or so they say - I really don't care if they made that up or not - because it is a load and it is going west)... so here we go again!!

Should'a - Would'a - Could'a

Yep hindsight is 20/20 - but we aren't gifted with that.  We just have to deal with our choices and move on.  I would so love to get into details - because my mind is busting with them!!  Total conversations going around and around... and I don't seem to 'win' a single one of them.  Regrets and might have beens (hence the title)... However typing out details in a public place isn't me... or at least I try really hard not to.  I remember getting very upset when that happened to someone else - and now I'm gagged because of it.  Oh don't get me wrong - I have 'BLOGGED' at times, and just not posted - but its not the same.  I would love to have others tell me I'm right, or comiserate with me, or give me encouraging words... We all need that at times. So I stew... and while stewing I spiral... and I try to pull myself up by my boot straps all by myself... because who do I have to 'talk' to... someone that is the same closet with me and feeling the same things... the hurt and frustrations and even a bit of hopelessness.  As in why do we even try? (OK I read this part to him - and he said 'yep feel the same things - just not as vocal as you are')

We try because we try to help and preserve the past ... maybe not in the right way though... again looking back... maybe there were things we SHOULD'A done differently? WOULD it have made a difference in today?  It COULD'A... but we will never know... so we play the cards we are dealt - and 'make do' with what we have and try to be happy... which is MUCH harder at times than others. 

Now please don't read this and think we are disappointed in a person(s) - it is a situation - a situation that past choices have put all of us in.

So I have now spouted as much as I feel comfortable doing - I have pulled my boots up a bit and am trying really hard not to 'think' too much - and doing a whole lot of praying!!  (feel free to toss some our way)

I just have to remember we all do the best we can at the time - its when we look back that we see where different choices COULD have been made... now to make the best choices we can and move on...

On the road again...

Well to do an update... (I really should do these more often - the little details tend to get fuzzy after a while - old age? alzheimer's?)

We got back on the road after over a week off.. so this week, no $$ just paying for the truck sitting still... OUCH... but we did get an OK load but... yeah there is always a BUT in there...

We loaded down in Wasco, CA - and they did say in the info that it might take a while - well it did! We carried a trailer packed (hand packed) full of bare root rose bushes to the drop yard in AZ.  Well the delay in loading took part of the time we needed to make our next delivery. 

So we get to AZ, drop our trailer and look around for an MT (empty trailer)... as usual, none to be found there.  So we call and try to get permission to not bring one to our next load, since what we are picking up is already loaded in a trailer... told we have to wait until the day shift comes in... yeah more wasted time.

Day shift comes in and says OK to go in without an  MT.  Now we are almost 12 hours past where we expected to be time wise.  The load out (which had a pick up appt time of 3 days before) was going to be tight for us anyway, because it was given to us (a team) because it was cutting it close time wise. We let the weekend folks know - we are now going to be late - by a minimu of 12 hours - no response... We continue on (heading to MD) and the next day - let them know we are going to be late... they respond back with we will let your DM (dispatch manager) know... Her response on Monday (the day we WERE to deliver it - and after the appt time - since she comes in 0600 CST and the appt time was 0545 EST) was - I didn't think it would take you guys that long - <LOL right - and the delays had nothing to do with it!!> Sigh...

So now we dropped the load the next day - more waiting - and picking up the next one - same day, which is nice (it was even in the same state!!) - and heading back to CA... Oh and our delivery appt time is after when our next load picks up!!  Here we go again!!

Now on to the WLS front - we are trying to get back on track... well I am and Gary is encouraging me (he is my Jimminy Cricket).  I've logged back onto a favorite forum http://bariatrictv.com/forum/index.php and started to read (and even post a little) again.  Wish us luck!! Staying away from munching while waiting... yeah... got to work on that!! 

Timing...

You know we make all these plans and think we have things well in hand... then God comes in and changes things around.  When you look close though and look back all you can do is marvel at his timing... and sometimes you can even glimps at the reasons why...

Case in point - We had planned on being in town on the 12-14th for Gary's Doc appt... thinking Lynn would then be more up and around after surgery and we could give the kids at least a day or two off parent duty.  Instead Momma fell and broke a hip. We came home early, Rick flew out and stuff (paperwork and benifits) got done that needed to get done, which needed both the brothers to do.  So now we were able to reschedule Gary's appt to today, we took an extra day to cover Eddie care while Lynn has surgery (although I have a feeling there were many other offers - LOL) and while we were here the water heater took a dump.  Now this was a type of dump that we would not have been able to diagnose over the phone, so it was a good thing we were here when it happened.  God's plan - I think so... He has a way of having things just happen. 

Such as yesterday - I was trying to stay busy outside, because there was too much food temptation inside - and I was trying to do things that would help and decrease some of the frustrations we feel when we come home.  Well my usual spiral down into thinking of what ifs and whys etc... then Lynn came out and caught me and I was able to 'cry on her shoulder' - literally.  I think it was a good thing - unplanned but cleansing.  There is so much more that CAN be done around here, and Lynn carries it all on her shoulders... I know we only see through a small window, but what we see, we get very frustrated with.

Now if we had stuck with OUR plans - no paperwork would have been started for Momma - Rick and Gary wouldn't have had time together (and I think a greater appreaciation for what the last few years for us has been like) - we wouldn't have had the time to aid Lynn and Morgan and give them some 'off' time... and in doing so would have been super stressed when the hot water heater stopped working and we weren't here to diagnose it.  So even though this 'down time' is really tough on the pocket book - it was good timing. 

I have faith that things will all work out according to GOD's plans, even if that doesn't correspond with OUR plans!

Reconnecting...

How cool is FaceBook... for kicks and giggles a couple months ago I put in a few names from my childhood.  Found one of them and sent a message - she replied and yep it was her!!  Finally got to go and see her... talk about a blast from the past :) While I was there a friend of her's turned out to be a friend of mine from across town and 4 years earlier! Talk about a SMALL world!

Its a guys night out tonight... Gary, his brother and a friend of the family (from their childhood) are all heading out to visit... I expect them to be out for HOURS... those guys can talk and reminice with the best of them.

So I'm hangin' out with the 'kids'... she's not such a kid any more, but she will always be MY kid.  Nice sitting and having a 'family' dinner with them.  Fun watching Eddie too - brings me back to raising Lynn - and it doesn't even seem THAT long ago.

Got a lot done this week - things that Lynn and Rene wouldn't be able to do for us.  Signatures and paperwork... trying to get increased benifits... and a bunch else... I am SO glad that it wasn't just Gary and I - Gary's brother flew out and he was a big help.  Another head to keep track of things and another emotional buffer.

I must admit though I am torn - loved being home/at the house, but I'm looking forward to getting back on the road again. Plus we have sat so long that this is going to put a big dent in the pocket book. I know - that is always on my mind - its the way I'm wired :^\

Another reason I look forward to being back on the truck is there isn't as much 'temptation'.  I have 'cheated' SO much on the WLS eating plan. I know better, but did it anyway - and now kicking myself.  I'm sitting here BLOGing and hurting at the same time... AND kicking myself... Weight wise, I'm at 185... which is 5# MORE than the Doc's goal for me... so... I am going to put in print (and while I'm typing it I really mean it) my pledge to get back on plan... NO processed sugar, decrease carb intake, increase veggies and protein. Making sure I drink more water and less coffee even if I have to stop to pee more often... so I pledge!!

Wading through it all...

My lord!!  The amount of paperwork is amazing... and I am lost. Thank God for family, friends and different agencies!  Since Momma was in the hospital for over 72 hours she qualified for Medicare help... so a nurse came out to evaluate her and she will be getting PT (well the care home will - since she wouldn't retain any info), also a SW with VA experience talked with us today... so I have some hope there.  Of course looking back, I wish we had pursued these options sooner and harder... it might have helped save some of our savings, but such is life and vision is 20/20 when looking backwards.  We can just deal with what we have today.  So tomorrow we start the path through the VA stuff...  This time sitting still (truck not rolling) is going to make things a bit thin for a while, but there is no way we want to lay this on Lynn's door.  She has enough on her own plate right now, and has been such a help with being here.  It is still hard for me to realize she is a grown woman in her own right and a mother to boot!!  She will always be my little girl!! I am so proud of her and how she has dealt with her part in caring for Momma.  I'm also glad Gary's brother was able to come to town.  Its good to see the interplay between the two, and it nice that the emotional load has been shared.  Unfortunately Gary has come down with the creeping crud... we have been fighting the nose stuff for a while, but its finally gone down into his chest.  The first major sickness since WLS (except during his training a year ago, but that was because this trainer kept his truck the temp of a freezer!!)... its really kicking his butt... So not what we need at this time either... So the good things (you know me - I need to look at the good things - keeps me out of my well) - the fracture Momma had, didn't need surgery - the brothers get a chance to visit - we get to spell Lynn and Morgan, and give them a small break from parenthood - we get to play with our Grand Baby!!  Oh and one of the best things - we get to play with our Grand Baby!!  LOL!!

Cudo's to our company...

You hear so many horror stories of how there is a family emergency and their company makes them take a load that is going in the opposite direction... well I must give thanks where thanks are due.  Central Refrigerated has been good to us during this time. Not everything is under their control (more to that in a few), but our old and new DM on this dedicated fleet have been great.  They took the load going to OH/MI off of us and got that covered.  They also got us a load that goes from Fontana to Oakland to get us most of the way home with loaded miles. THANK YOU CENTRAL!!

Now to the circumstances not in their control... we get to our delivery (our 99 is what the company calls it) at 1030... our appt time isn't until 1500, so we get sent to a dirt lot and told to check back at the guard gate at 1400... so we do... told to take paper to receiving office and they say wait in your truck we'll call you... so we wait some more. At 1700 I go back in to see how long of a wait we are looking at, because we have places to go and things to do... the receiver goes "I was just about to call you... we can't unload you today.  It won't be until 4 am tomorrow" - I'm like, your joking right? Then I go off when he says no... First you have 3 guys come to my truck and accuse me of being a guy using the women's restroom!! Now you are telling me we won't be unloaded until 0400!!  My husband's mother is having surgery and you are making us wait! GRRR!

So here we sit - Momma's surgery got bumped until tomorrow (other trama cases came in) - we are still in AZ - Lynn is doing an AWESOME job of being there!!  How I wish she didn't have to do this, but I'm so glad she is there! Trying not to stew on things that are out of our control - and thankful for friends and family.

Oh and on a side note... Gary and I are stress eaters - 1/2 a package of sugar free chocolate cookies each with milk - we are doing dueling tooting - thank God he loves me - LOL!!

Torn...

Another really hard part about trucking is not being where you feel you are needed, and not able to drop everything to be there!!

Case in point... Gary's Mom (not sure the exact how) broke her hip. It wasn't directly obvious, so they weren't sure about taking her to the doctor vs: ER. Lynn and our very good friend RS went to the care home to say yes or no on sending her to the hospital because we weren't there able to do so. God bless friends and daughters!!

So now Lynn is at the hospital with Momma getting her admitted, while we are heading to AZ under a load... And one waiting for us to take us further away to OH and MI. Now granted Momma is in a state of advanced dementia... but... The frustration of not being there and the feeling of helplessness! Not that we really could do much there, beside taking the burden off of Lynn's shoulders... but we would BE there.

So any that are thinking of trucking is a glorious, wonderful carefree job... Think again! You are tied to a trailer and a load with the responsibilities that go with it. There really is no quick way home when something happens. We did know this when we started, and that is why we had people in place that we trusted to be there 'just in case'... just wish we didn't have to need them... (if you get what I mean)

Another day in the life...

Well my weight is staying stable... Not increasing, which is a good thing. We eliminated the nut munchies... It was hard to give up, and gum chewing has significantly increased, but the weight hasn't ... So that is a good thing :)

Right now we are at a Freightliner dealer getting some warrantee work done. I just hope they work in a timely manner. We are 'under load' and need to be in FL on the 22nd. However the tech said it was a good thing we came in when we did... The bolt that has been coming loose and starting fires, was loose and a 1/4" away from doing the same for us 8^0 There also was another recall that we didn't even know about from the company... Thanks guys! So here we wait... Definitely have to learn patience in trucking... Lots of waiting! Even if we have a deadline, others do not and there is usually no rushing them... Sigh

The new 'dedicated' fleet is working out 'ok'... There has been an increase of miles, so that's a good thing... We are running on our recap, so that means we are keeping moving... I just hope it stays stable. This last week wasn't as much as the week before. Just don't want that downward slope to continue.

Trucking is still very two sided for me... I'm liking the scenery and even the 'lifestyle' but I miss a stationary home. We have a 'house' and family/friends there... but...

Well... There is an actual TV here and I haven't watched TV in at least a month (since the last time we were at the house)... So bye for now :)

Disheartened...

Sometimes it is so hard to stay up beat and cheerful.  Depression, yeah probably... I try to ignore it - do the 'fake it till you make it' with the fake smile on my face.  Well today is one of those days.  Driving sometimes gives almost too much time to think. With the things I was thinking about, I have a feeling that this year is going to be a year of hard decisions... and I'm not looking forward to them! If you think about stuff that pulls you down - yep, down you go.  So here I sit at the bottom of a well - having to try to sleep in the middle of the day, in a bed that bounces and tries to toss me out of it.  Only have 5 hours until I have to get up and drive tonight (so we will 'be on time').  I am trying not to regret what has happened in my life, and I'm trying to look out my office window and see the beauty and be glad in it... sigh... I guess not today...

Sorry for such a down post - I guess we all have days like this - and today is my day...

A year in review...

Well a readers digest version anyways... My memory isn't what it should be... Product of turning 50 this year - LOL!

Well the first part of the year I was busy moving our stuff into a small room and trying to make it a place for us to 'live' when we would get 'home'... Also moving my daughter and her husband into what we called home. Kissed Gary and sent him off to run with his trainer and tried to live without him for a couple months. Oh and I was still working during all of this... Talk about being scattered... So much that had to get done and so much left undone because I only had a month to do it in and was pulled in so many directions that is seems like I did nothing at all...

Next step of my life was to leave the beautiful home my husband and I built, to take a huge leap of faith. Faith that what we were doing was the right thing. Faith that doing this would provide enough money to keep our 'home' in the family. I left a job that I had for over 12 years, and a little boy that was very dear to my heart and the family that came with him. I left stability, routine, my comfort zone, family and friends... I left to train to become a truck driver.

God works in ways that when you look back you might be able to grasp just a glimps of his plans... I've seen it in my life, and I saw it some with just this past year. DD & SIL their lease was up on their apt and they were looking for a place, we needed someone to care for our home. Then with all our incomes the house could be saved, and kept in the family.

So I did my training and Gary was out on his own for a month, then we were finally able to do this together. That period of time I think was very important for both of us. For myself it was to prove to myself that I can do things on my own. It was scary to leave everything that was familiar, and not have Gary beside me when I did... But I did it!! For him I think it made him appreciate me more, and not take my presence for granted... It's also something I really don't want to do again - LOL!

Now we are together - living in a walk in closet on wheels. We still love each other and haven't killed each other (yet) LOL! My daughter and son in law have gifted us with a precious Grandchild, and they are learning how to be a family. Our house is still occupied by family, but our 'home' is now more than ever wherever the other person is... I have been taught (and it's a lesson I'm still learning) that family is more important than things. I'm learning how to let go... But I must admit a times I still grieve for the past, and the time of plenty (didn't think it was plenty at the time, but I sure do now!!)...

Not sure what this New Year will bring, but I welcome it with open arms!